Do you like Bottom?

[The Bellcrest Artefact]

NOV/2006 EDDIE IN THE BELLCREST ARTEFACT

Hints on play:
• Not all items will indicate their value some are utterly useless, like dining venues and pubs, but it’s your money, so spend it on whatever you want to make the character happy.
• It is possible to cheat in certain situations, or regain 2 lost health points by using Cheats of Chance.
• There is no limit to the amount of items a character can carry at one time. If you need useless happy stuff removed from your worksheet take the items to their home to be dropped off.
• Choose an objection of play so you have some thing to do while exploring stores and areas on the map
• Eddie and Ritchie have a problem with their willpower; you will be constantly struggling with this throughout the adventure.
• You can drink to your heart’s content for fun but when the mission requires concentration of a sober person, lack of willpower makes things more interesting…
• Getting into fights with friends and family is not always fun, so when cheats of chance is not an option or an avoided one; your character relies on his level of skill.
• You can get into lots of trouble on purpose or by accident; the police are good people willing to give hardy locals like you a second chance.
• Eddie or Ritchie can use disguises to get into certain buildings, but you will have to be very cunning to pull it off.
• Sloppy bastard items are inexpensive compared to the stealthy uncle and foxy sly items.
• Finally, depending on how much money you have… the items you collect and use to get passed the mission will determine your success and alternate ending. Good luck.
• At times in the mission, your character will speak to you or interact with other characters. Most of the time, the story will be mentioning YOU as the character…try not to get offended or overly-confused by their vulgarity.
• Make sure to read an entire paragraph in the adventure before making a decision; you don’t want to miss important opportunities or information that pertains to your situation.
HEALTH: HOW LONG YOUR CHARACTER IS ALIVE FOR IN ORDER TO ATTAIN A GOAL (REACHING BELOW 2 IS DEATH OR COMA)
WILLPOWER: YOUR CHARACTER REQUIRES SELF-CONTROL OVER THE TEMPTATION OF EVERY DAY NEEDFUL THINGS
CHEATS: WITH CHEATS OF CHANCE YOU CAN WIN IN A SITUATION DEPENDING ON THE PARAGRAGH
HAPPY POINTS: HAMMERSMITH HAS MINDLESS KNOWLEDGE AND USELESS JUNK YOUR CHARACTER WILL BE HAPPY OWNING
DRUNK: YOUR CHARACTER BECOMES DRUNK; SHADE IN THE BOXES WHEN INSTRUCTED TO
SOBER: BECOMING SOBER FROM DRUNKENESS; UNSHADE BOXES WHEN INSTRUCTED TO
AS YOURSELF: THE CHARACTER CAN DECIDE TO GO TO HIS DESTINATION AS HIMSELF
YOUR DISGUISE: THE CHARACTER CAN PLAY DRESS-UP AND SEARCH FOR ITEMS TO AID HIM IN HIS DISGUISE TO MAKE IT MORE BELIEVABLE
SLOPPY BASTARD: YOU MAY COME ACROSS ITEMS THAT ARE WORTH MONEY OR WORTH NOTHING AT ALL
EDDIE STEALTHY UNCLE: ITEMS THAT WILL DETERMINE HIS CLEVERNESS IN THE DISGUISE OBJECTIVE
RITCHIE FOXY SLY: ITEMS THAT WILL DETERMINE HIS CLEVERNESS AS A FLIRTIVE, CHARMING PERSUASIVE GENTLEMAN
EXTRA NOTES: KEEP TRACK OF REFERENCE NUMBERS, QUOTES AND ANY OTHER MISC. INFO HERE
CURRENCY: THE AMOUNT OF MONEY YOUR CHARACTER IS CARRYING ON HIM; European or foreign
OTHER POSSESSIONS: YOU MAY COME ACROSS ODD ITEMS THAT DO NOT FIT INTO THE OBVIOUS CRITERIA
POLICE PARDONS: YOUR CHARACTER HAS A CHANCE TO BRIBE HIS WAY OUT OF TRICKY SITUATIONS, OVER AND OVER
MOST WANTED: YOU HAVE BECOME A HARDY CRIMINAL TO GET ONE OF THESE, THE POLICE NEVER GRANT PARDONS WHEN YOU HAVE THIS
ENEMIES: THE AMOUNT OF ENEMIES YOU’VE MADE AND WITH WHOM
ALLIES: THE AMOUNT OF FRIENDS YOU HAVE AND WITH WHOM
DEAD BODIES: SOMETIMES YOU KILL EM, SOMETIMES YOU DON’T…THIS DETERMINES YOUR CHARACTER’S CRIMINAL MORGUE RECORD
BANNED PLACES: IF YOU HAVE BEEN NAUGHTY; YOU WILL GET BANNED FOR GOOD, RETURNING TO THE AREA WILL GET YOU IN TROUBLE
WELCOME PLACES: IF YOU’VE BEEN FRIENDLY AND POLITE, YOU ARE WELCOME TO RETURN MANY TIMES WITHOUT A DISPUTE
COOKING SKILLS: Every woman loves a man who can cook better than Ritchie; help him improve his recipe book!
KEYS: some characters will come across keys with important numbers or symbols etched into the handle that you will be asked to use later on in the adventure
WEAPONS: Just about anything can be used as a weapon if you use you imagination and fury
ITEMS LEFT AT THE FLAT: The character will be able to loosen his load or hide ‘hot’ items at home. Just remember that once it is dropped off at the flat; it is removed from the characters carrying possession until he returns to retrieve it again.

Objectives:
Find item and disguise yourself as a butler <the stealthy uncle
Find items and disguise yourself as a caterer < the stealthy uncle
Find items and disguise yourself as a janitor <the stealthy uncle
Find Sloppy Bastard Items and try your luck as yourself with selected items of your choice

LEVELS OF DRUNKENESS:
1 is SOBER
2 is GIDDY WITH HAPPINESS
3 is BUZZING or LIGHT-HEADED
4 is SLIGHTLY STAGGERING BUT STILL FUNCTIONAL
5 is LOUD, OBNOXIOUS, STAGGERING AROUND, RUDE BEHAVIOUR
6 is FALLING OVER A LOT AND SLURRING WORDS LIKE AN EVIL DERVISH
7 is ABSOLUTELY DRUNK, URINATING EVERWHERE, STILL POSSIBLE TO WIN YOUR MISSION
8 is YOU FORGOT YOUR OWN NAME, OR WHERE YOU LIVE BY NOW, STILL POSSIBLE TO WIN YOUR MISSION
9 is LIABLE TO PASS OUT FOR 4 HOURS!
10 is PASSED OUT UNTIL THE NEXT DAY. MISSION FAILED.
The levels can go much higher safely, but you will have to contact your nearest counter strike center to find out more
The character begins the adventure at sober 1.
________________________________________
Work Sheet:
You will need 2 6-sided dice
1. Health: Roll 2 dice to determine. To battle: roll 2d6 and compare the results to your enemy’s health. If the result is equal to or lower than you win a round. Every time you win a round deduct your opponent’s health by 2, but if you result exceeded your opponent’s health you lose a round and you must subtract 2 from your own health. Keep going until either you or your foe has been reduced to a 0. If you are reduced to 0 points after a battle, your adventure ends. There is no initial score, so you cannot return your status back to when you first started, if you are stuck at only 2 health then you must find a way in the game to increase your score again.
2. Willpower: roll 2 dice to determine. To test your willpower roll 2d6, and compare the results to your current willpower score. If the result is equal to or lower than you are successful, but if the result exceeded your score you have lost the test.

Objectives (choose 1 from below):
Try your luck as yourself and buy whatever selected items you want
Find items, businesses and information and disguise yourself as a butler
Find items, businesses and information and disguise yourself as a Caterer
Find items, newspapers with information and disguise yourself as a janitor
ADVENTURE SHEET:
Stealthy Uncle items list:
Sloppy Bastard items list:
Started at sober 1
Drunk 2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10
Only with Drunken Master 11/12/13/14/15/16/17/18/19
Currency:
Keys:
I.D Card:
Allies:
Enemies:
Police Pardons: _____OUT OF 3
Most Wanted: ______OUT OF 3
Dead Bodies:

Places you are banned from:
Places you are still welcome at:
________________________________________
"I'm.... in.... the... cupbard!"
In 2006 I made this text game for fun. I had to email the BBC and Rik Mayall for permissions. They said as long as i am not using it for profit I can go ahead with it.

Anyways, it's a damn huge story complete with stores and crime. I haven't even gotten around to writing Rich's half of the plot- Diamond Junk. When I have free time I'll work on it.
________________________________________
About The Bellcrest Artefact:
You have 1 day to achieve your goal! An expensive, rare artefact will be auctioned tonight off to rich blokes from Far Mongolia, and all the ladies at the dorm will be shipped off to Russia to become mail order brides. The dorm and the Bellcrest Estate will be closing their doors forever! You better hurry up.
________________________________________

Bottom
Starring:
Rik Mayall- Richard Richard
Adrian Edmondson - Edward Elizabeth Hitler
Christopher Ryan - Dave Hedgehog
Steve O`Donnald - Spudgun

Series first started -September 1991
Last aired-April 1995
Country-U.K
Network-BBC
________________________________________
Eddie in the Bellcrest Artefact
Make sure you've read the rules and looked at the map for this adventure.
Note: A lot of the bits and pieces in the paragraphs (happy points) are for shits and giggles.

Introduction ☺
This is tha joornal ov EdWard Elizabeth Hitler...
*hick-up*
…the lards at the Lamb and Flag (Word erased and crudely smudged with a thumb) I overheeerd there conversation aboot an expensive artifart… artifact… that is worth more than I have ever encountered! To be iiictioned off by midnight to a bunch of arseholes from Asia minor. If only I can get into that chump's bell bottom, steal the bell crust and live the life I've always dreamed of!
Yes!
One without hardchips. One without salted coffee in the morning. One without empty pockets.
Oh,
and please dear Lordy Lordy just ONE LIFE without that stupid bastard downstairs trying to noose himself to the banisters again. Regretfully I should not have given him the plastic tube but the woven twine because it is harder to snap or maybe i should not have given him the wool yarn? Remember, Ritchie, you sorry git, becaz I know you'll read this letter you nosy bastard! Remamberrr the yarn you used to knit my dress with? Or was it a wooly hat? well, whatever it was, it smelled like an old bitch.
-ED
There is a big indent and an oily face print of Eddie's cheek pressed into the letter. After he wakes up, choose a goal (objective) in the work sheet and scroll down to begin his quest for fortune and booze.
Turn to 1.
1
You wake up on the couch with a hang-over. Must have been a wild night in front of the tele. The sun is shining outside, the birds are chirping and you're all out of quid and booze. Ritchie is nowhere in sight. There's no point hanging around the flat, you must find away to get money before the withdrawals set in, and you will not find fortune in this place. As you check the kitchen for something to eat, you realize that you are all out of lard and bleach. Guess you'll have to skip breakfast. You find a note sitting on the stove. A note in your handwriting: the one about the artefact! "Bloody hell, I don't remember writing this!"
You find two more notes, both having different handwriting; no doubt written by Ritchie's hand. He has left the flat in search of a wife. Thinking how you will sabotage his plans later on, you leave the flat and head downstairs to the main foyer.
Rottweiler, your neighbour seems to have left his door open, and his black dog is lying in the doorway. Across from his apartment is the Purrfectly Priced store owned by Mister Harrison, your landlord. What a convenience to have a kindly store right underneath where you live?
"You're beginning to sound like Ritchie! Shut up, you twit, and give me my options."
*If you are not using the disguise gimmick, but want to play just as yourself then you cannot scroll anywhere else just yet! Please go to 50 first. BUT if you've already settled on an objective, you can start your adventure by going to any of the options below:
Will you enter Rottweiler's flat to see if he is home? Scroll to 30.
Or leave out the front door of the building? Scroll to 10.

[tammy 2]

2
You are on Talgarth Road. There are a couple of businesses available to you:
U Ugly Thing Hair Salon, scroll to 26.
Ninja Counter Strike, scroll to 24.
Auto & Sounds 25, scroll to 33.
Meat Shop, scroll to 59.
Jeweller Shop, scroll to 46.
The Green Grocers, scroll to 56.
Enter the Good ol' C of E church? Scroll to 57.
Otherwise, you can ignore these places and head west toward Queen Caroline Street (scroll to 15) or head east toward Fulham Road (scroll to 70)?
3
Well, you've managed to get in, but now have to make a hasty decision; Deirdre is screaming at the top of her cigarette-tarred lungs and is hasting to the phone in the long hallway. Shit, you better make a quick decision before your hopes are ruined forever!
Tackle her to the ground and tie her up with the phone cord (scroll to 6) let the sodden git make her emergency phone call while you run out of the house to return to your own flat and hide (scroll to 7)
or run down Parade Lane (scroll to 9)?
4
The patrol officer is blowing that whistle very hard and it is very loud! With one angry left hook you plant five knuckles into his hairy nostril and knock his hat off. Quickly, you grab hold of his whistle and shove it in your pocket. Add a short baton to your list, and 2 happy points to your list. Add Deidre and 1 street patrol as your enemy, and Emmer dale Town houses a place you are banned from. You must hop back over the fences again and scroll to 2.
5
*If you were banned from this store and you are visiting again, scroll to 52. If you are returning from 52, you must leave this store immediately without buying anything and go to 10. Otherwise…
WELCOME TO PURRFECTLY PRICED! (Mister Harrison health 8)
The store was once white as bleached curtains, but is now reduced to a dull and dirty atmosphere. It smells like a drain pipe busted years ago, and the dank smell problem wasn't dealt with at all. The balding clerk is hectic about a personal issue, "oh, hello Eddie. I'm just sick to my stomach about my stupid mother's bloody funeral! No, not about her finally fucking off and all but about the two thousand pound coffin I set fire to last night! Don't pay attention to me! I'll be just fine an all!!!" He shakes his chin hard and stomps about the place growling at a bill in his clutches. There is a newstand nearby. A number of papers and magazines. One in particular attracts your attention. Usually Mr. Harrison is very disturbed about costumers reading the newspaper prior to buying, but he seems too pre-occupied at the moment. For the Hammersmith Bugle, scroll to 51, and read the latest news that pertains to you for free!
If you have money you can purchase any of the items below:
Green Clover fizz 10£ (+1 health)
6 Smoker's tar sticks 10£ (+10 happy when smoked, -1 health reduced per fag)
1 Litre of House-hold Bleach 5£ (+10 drunk)
Lemon Concentrate 3£
Cheesy Dip 2£
Jar of Black Olives (expired) 2£
Box of stale crackers 5£
Lard 25¢
Tuna 50¢
Box of Lemon Tarts 8£ (stealthy uncle)
Box of razor blades 6£ (stealthy uncle)
Keith's Party Pack of foot and hand suction cups 10£ (stealthy Uncle)
No money? Too penny-pinched? You could try robbing the place? If you think this is a good plan, make a note of this reference and scroll to 31 for free details on robbery. After you return from 31 and if you were caught stealing! Scroll to 52.

When you are done looking around, return to 10.
6
You take a mighty dive and tackle her body to the floor; raise your fist and jab a punch into her face ten times! Roll 2 d6 then roll again: if your second result is equal to or lower to the first roll, you have successfully knocked her out cold! If you rolled higher than your first roll then the punches did absolutely nothing but only enraged her. During this fight you will lose 1 health point every time she wins a round due to her biting and scratching. Continue to roll 2 d6 and compare.
Deidre Health 6 (every time you win a round deduct her health by 2) When her health goes down to 2, she will collapse and become lethargic. If you accidentally killed her, add her to your dead bodies list. She is an unbelievably strong woman being in her thirties and being as fat-assed as she is! If you beat her skill and reduced her health to 2, you manage to hold her down long enough to wrap the cord around her arms and legs, and gag her with a fancy cotton doily.
Scroll to 17.
If you did not win the battle than WOE be to your embarrassing man-weakness! She sits on your head and binds your ankles and wrists with the phone cord. Who knows what will happen to you? Your face ends up on the side of a milk carton of ‘missing persons' 1 week later.
7
Shitting your trousers along the way, you bolt through the door and make way up the stairs. You run all the way up to the living room of your flat. Ritchie is still not home. You can see blue lights flickering from the front window now. You run up to your bedroom.
Do you possess a dog? If so, scroll to 23.
If you do not possess a dog, scroll to 35.
8
The dog still has not moved from the door way. If you like, you may take it upstairs to your flat? But if you decide upon this decision, you will have to use a Cheat of Chance to avoid Rottweiler catching you in the act of stealing his precious prized possession. If you choose to steal it subtract 1 cheat off your list. You haul the dog carcass all the way to the third story of the flat. You drag it to your bedroom because if Ritchie finds it, there's no telling what sick-depraved things he would do to the poor canine. Add a purebred Rottweiler dog to your possessions. You now leave the building entirely and venture outside, scroll to 10.
To kidnap the dog anyway without using a cheat scroll to 44.
If you prefer not to steal his dog or just don't want to use your cheats, you can exit the building and go outside. Scroll to 10.
You could stand around and wait for your neighbour to appear? Scroll to 22.
9
You are on the eastern end of Parade Lane. You are thankful to be here and not elsewhere at the moment. Here are the businesses and streets you can explore:
Looks like Neptune Pantry and the Crack Head Inn have you barred from their building because of rumours that you masturbate outside it every night. "Um, I what?" Eddie glances about the neighbourhood as if there's egg smeared all over his face and he can't do anything about it.
The Pet shop is open, but the dog pound is not, scroll to 76.
The antique shop is open to the public as well, scroll to 120.
You could take the Parade red Double-Decker, which will cost you 1 quid:
Bellcrest Grounds, scroll to 83.
Hammersmith Road, scroll to 91.
If you'd rather walk, you check your map:
Hammersmith Grove, scroll to 77.
Butterwick, scroll to 94.
10
*If you have been everywhere else on Parade Lane and on the map, and you are returning home to your flat, then your new scroll is no longer 10 but 88. Otherwise, If you haven't done much exploring of the town then read on.
You are on Parade Lane, the street owns a row of old homes called Emmer dale Townhouses. Not too far down from them is Ahmal's restaurant The Tandoori Kebab and the Lamb & Flag pub. A western street is running across Parade Lane; it is called Queen Caroline. The Purrfectly Priced corner shop is on the corner where these two streets meet. Parade Lane runs for as far as you can see in either direction. There are more businesses farther east. The street is not that busy in the mornings, so the traffic is minimal. The foot patrols are minimal as well, they, who try to keep the area secure are not seen. What will you do and where will you go?
Go to the Purrfectly Priced corner store? Scroll to 5.
Go to the Tandoori Kebab? Scroll to 11.
Go to the Lamb & Flag pub? Scroll to 16.
Visit one of the historical Emmer dale townhouses? Scroll to 38.
Or,
go east down Parade Lane 11? Scroll to 9.
Head West toward Queen Caroline Street? Scroll to 15.
If you are on a mission collecting HAPPY POINTS and have 50 or more of them, you may go to the Car Swapping Party down at the park and cash some in? Scroll to 242.
11
*Is this your second time coming to this place and it's on your banned list? If so make note to remember this reference and scroll down to 52. If you're returning from 52, you must leave this place immediately without buying anything and scroll to 10.
WELCOME TO Ahmal's Tandoori Kebab Restaurant (Ahmal health 10)
"I am fast with my fingers on dial phones. Try to rob me, white English man, and I will stab hot fork into your poisonous eye!"
Notice: "We will be moving to Hammersmith Grove shortly due to the annual Parade riot."
*If you don't have any money or are banned, you can always rob the place and make Ahmal shit his pants? Make a note of this ref# and scroll to 31 to read the free rules of robbery first.
The Restaurant smells of strong curry and Sanjay Dutt is singing on the speaker system. They seem to be obsessed with Eastern insurgents posing proudly in photos on their family wall- and it wouldn't be Indian if it weren't for the erotic Kama Sutra paintings everywhere of an ancient Sultan seducing young women and humping them too. You are greeted by a chubby man, you recognize as Ahmal, "hey, Eddie, you spend money here and you are my friend forever. If not, you leave immediately! And NEVER return or I cut off your balls!" If you have money, add Ahmal as a friend, and buy whatever is on his menu. If not or you do not care to buy anything on the menu, you must add him as an enemy. Disappointed that you've wasted his time, he whacks you on top of the head with a straw fan and chases you out of his building with it. You run across the street to get away. You can take that as being banned for life if he chases you out. To Remove this ban, you'd have to return and ‘buy' something!
"I see you are still single, Eddie? but here is my pamphlet anyways. If you arrive with a date or want to bring a date I have menu for that too. Thank you, come again. Don't worry about becoming the Guru of health and happiness, just pay for the food. It tastes good! Romantic namaste dinner for two. Platters include samples of all meats, basmati rice, deep fried aloo, and free papadums included for only 600 (+8 HEALTH)"
MENU:
Extra Spicy Chicken Feet 200£ (+1 health)
Spinach and curd 200£ (+1 health)
Freshly baked Aloo 250£ (+2 health)
Suicide Hot Rogan Josh 250£ (+2 health)
Curried Kebabs 300£ (+3 health)
Vindaloo Lamb Rack 500£ (+10 health)

Coconut Basmati Rice 200£ (+1 happy)
Naan bread 200£ (+1 happy)
Chai (It's spicy, milky sugary tea) 120£ (-1 Drunk)
GIFT SHOP:
Flying Majik Tapestry 400£ (+10 happy) you need a Cheat of Chance to steal this item without detection.
To return to Parade Lane, scroll to 10.
12
You know that the house is tended to by a middle-age couple. A woman with red curly hair opens the door only a crack, "what the hell do you want, Eddie?"
How will you reply?
Can I come in? Scroll to 29
Try and force your way into the house? Scroll to 14.
Give her an item from your list of either a purebred Rottweiler or a Flying Majik Tapestry? Scroll to 20.
If you'd rather leave. You walk back across the lane with your hands in your pockets, return to 10.
13
He grins. Brushes you off and fixes your tie: "Ah, not as bad as I figured ye were...PHONE ME when you see him! He owes me two hundred quid for wrecking my kitchen, and forty quid for hurting my dog! Do this, and I will give you a money reward...I will be expecting your call by tonight!" He slams the door in your face. You know the reward is only a ruse; he never lives up to his word, especially when you know too how much he dislikes you. You give the door a middle finger! Glad the debt is not your problem; you leave the building and head outside. Add Rottweiler as an ally. Scroll to 10.
14
You jam your foot into the door crack and use your shoulder to try and push it open; compare the result of 2d6 roll to your health score. Roll the dice, if you manage to overcome Deirdre by brute force with an equal or lower to your health score; you push your way into the house, scroll to 3. If the result is higher than your health score, she manages to close the door on you and lock it, "I'm calling the police on you Edward Hitler! You're going to pay for this!" for she gives them your address, a bunch of rape lies and your full description. Great, now what are you going to do? Break and enter? She must be silenced! You will need to buy the Folding Katana, The Art of Death Lesson, Stealth Burglary Lesson and pick lock lesson in order to accomplish this feat! If you have 1 cheat of Chance then subtract it and materialize into thin air and go to the Fascist Pig Bank and get your pound converted into dollars, 92, and then scroll to the ninja Counter Strike to purchase your upgrades of carnage, scroll to 24. Perhaps, Edward Hitler, you know something that combines all of those into one? If so, great master, then there's no need to go anywhere but inside the house. Once you've acquired all of the components return here and scroll to 243.
Otherwise, if you know nothing, haven't enough money, or a Cheat to get there then your luck is knackered! This is your worst nightmare and she is your worst enemy! ADD Deidre Barber as an enemy and ADD 1 Most Wanted to your list.
Run east down Parade Lane, scroll to 9.
Run west to Queen Caroline Street, scroll to 15.
Run back to your flat, scroll to 7.
15
You are on Queen Caroline Street. You can remember the endless times when you and Hedgehog gave that old lady an underpants wedge because you thought it was Loose-Tooth Graham from the Mace Inn who sold you a bag of shitake mushrooms instead of the magical ones. Great days they were. Glenthorne is the educational district. Where you're heading, you don't need to waste it reading up at the public library or wandering the grounds of the schools and colleges. You could have sworn you seen Ritchie crawling into one of the windows of the college dorms, but who knows for sure?
You are on a tight budget for time. Anyhow, need to be somewhere in a hurry?
NORTH:
King Street however is not too far, scroll to 80.
Hammersmith Road, scroll to 87.

CENTRAL:
Ninja Counter Strike, scroll to 24.
School of Etiquettes, scroll to 96.
Talgarth Road, scroll to 2.

SOUTH:
The Live Apple Theatre, scroll to 71.
Parade Lane, scroll to 10.

Will you go to the Diego Hotel, which towers on the corner of Parade Lane and Queen Caroline, scroll to 36.
Take the bus, which goes to The Shopping Mall District, scroll to 62.
Will you go to Broadway, scroll to 98.

In the distance, you can hear the sound of whistles tooting, and it is growing louder. Smoke from a small riot over at the Meth-Metropolis is aggravating your nostrils. Skulls are heard getting bonked against batons...
16
*IF this is another one of your visits and you were banned, go to 52. Unless you're here to rob Dick the Barman then make a note of this paragraph and scroll to 31 to read the free rules of robbery and then come back here. Are you here to rob the place? If you feel up to it and have a weapon of sort, scroll to 68.
Otherwise, read on....
As always on a boring week day, the place is void of beautiful women. There are about six empty round tables and a few booths. Photos of boxing champions and pictures of Queen Elizabeth decorate the old English stained wallpaper. The place has an odour of stale puke, bleach and damp old wood. A scrawny man in his forties is watching you with a keen eye from behind the bar. The lure of alcohol is enough to make you want to suck on the mop over in the far corner. Roll 2d6, if Eddie's willpower score is less or equal to the result rolled, he sighs a breath of relief and waits to drink later. If he failed then you blow all of your money here. If you haven't any dough then Eddie dives for the draft taps and gets chased out by Dick and Skull Crusher, a two hundred pound man who forges counterfeit money for a living (add him as your enemy if he has to kick you out). Dick is usually a forgiving person seeing that you are his valued costumer; and in order to get him as your enemy you'd have to do something downright nasty.
THE LAMB & FLAG
"Help, help! Someone's anus has broken loose!"

FOOD PRICES:
FISH ‘N' CHIPS (+6 health) 80£
MUTTON GUT BURGER (+4 health) 50£
MEAT-PIE (+3 health) Small 45£ / (+4 health) Large 50£
DEEP FRIED BACON (+1 health) 20£
PORK CHOPS (+5 health) 60£
LIVER & ONIONS (+6 health) 80£
REFRESHMENTS:
MILK (+1 happy) 50£ oz
EARL GREY TEA (+1 sober) 50£
TARIFF:
SCOTCH (+2 drunk) 30£, 2oz
RYE (+2 drunk) 20£, 2oz
WINE (+4 drunk) 40£, 4oz
BRANDY (+4 drunk) 40£, 4oz
WHISKEY (+1 drunk) 20£, 1oz
VODKA (+1 DRUNK) 20£, 1oz
MALT (+1 DRUNK) 20£, 1oz
SHERRY (+4 drunk) 40£ 4oz
BACARDI (1 DRUNK) 20£, 1oz
GIN (+3 DRUNK) 40£, 4oz
BEERS
GUINNESS (+2 DRUNK) 118£
MURPHY'S (+2 DRUNK) 116£
TANYARD (1 DRUNK) 157£
PILS (+6 DRUNK) 175£
BITTER (+4 DRUNK) 155£
MILD (+4 DRUNK) 140£
"DINNER FOR TWO" 100£ (+8 HEALTH) PICK TWO ITEMS:
BASKET OF MEAT
SPECIAL SUNDAY ROAST
PICKLED EGGS
BIG BAG O’ PEANUTS

"EXTRA CHARGES APPLY IF YOU WANT TO ORDER ANY OTHER ITEMS NOT ON THE LIST" says Dickhead

Since this is Dick's pub, you have to immediately eat or drink whatever you purchase from the menu and tariff menus. You cannot save any items from here for later use. Get as drunk as you like if you can afford it and can handle it. If you go nutty and purchase every item from the 4 menus above, and I mean even EVERYTHING!!!! from the milk to the pint of mild to the deep fried bacon including the SMALL and LARGE servings as well as the the dinner for 2...etc etc etc EVERYTHING!!!! then you can add Dick the Barman and Skull-Crusher as your allies! Why will they accept? because you've just made them very rich men. When you are done visiting, you step out happily onto Parade Lane. Return to 10.
17
You haven't much time to look around; the commotion has attracted the neighbours. In the kitchen, you find a bottle of sleeping pills. Add to the stealthy uncle list. You also find her purse containing 30 quid and a 20 pound credit to the Used Gift Shop off of Fulham Road. There's also an old service revolver loaded with six bullets inside. Excellent find! The neighbours are talking to each other at the front door. Slithering out the back door, you pass a vegetable garden in your quick retreat, and hop a couple of fences before stopping at Talgarth Road, turn to 201.
18
You try to slide a window open and find that they are all stuck. You smash in a basement window and slip into the musty dark room. There's a giant wine cellar down here and a couple of closed cardboard boxes. Will you look at the wine racks first? Scroll to 49, or look through the boxes? Scroll to 42.
19
In haste, you lead the officers to the theatre entrance. While they are occupied inside, you slip away unnoticed out a back door. Where will you run off to?
King Street? Scroll to 80.
Sheppard's Bush Road? Scroll to 67.
Parade Lane? Scroll to 10.
Talgarth Road? Scroll to 2.
20
Whatever item you give her; she accepts with a Johnny Rotten smile and pulls you into the foyer. One hour later, you are flung out the door with your coat and shirt shredded. Without a ‘thank you' the door slams shut and you are left to adjust yourself. A pair of hand cuffs dangles off your belt. Add Deirdre to your list of allies. Mark off the item you gave her from your list. You may feel ripped off, but at least she never parted from you without a gift of sort, she tells you that this item was invented by her boyfriend. So, add a Keith's Party Pack of foot and hand suction cups 10£ (stealthy Uncle) to your possession. Whatever it is, or whatever you're supposed to do with it, you step away from the Emmerdale Townhouses. If you haven't already, you may go to Purrfectly Priced corner store, turn to 5.
Tandoori Kebab restaurant, turn to 11.
The Lamb & Flag pub, go to 16.
Or,
Walk west toward Queen Caroline Street, turn to 15.
Or walk east down Parade Lane, turn to 9.
21
The corner of Parade Lane and Queen Caroline seems to be crowded with people running about, littered with dead bodies and blocked off by squad cars. A constable eyes you suspiciously; he is talking to Rottweiler and an elderly woman on the sidewalk underneath your window. Quickly, you head east down Parade Lane. Scroll to 9.
22
When he appears; he glares at you. The only thing you can do is smile back. His face is turning pink from anger. Wonder what his problem is? Will you ask him "what's the matter?" Scroll to 43.
Or leave him be and go outside? Scroll to 10.
23
As you open the door and dive in you come face to face with the Rottweiler you kidnapped that is awake now and standing beside your bed. Do you have any Cheats of Chance left? Scroll to 37. If not, scroll to 25.
24
Don't even think of trying to rob this place! You'd be dead before you yell freeze or remove your secret weapon. Regardless, you are strip-searched by two heavyweight bodyguards. If not, they will remove any lethal items you are carrying. "You have it back when you come out!" They say to you... You enter through the squeaky doors, the Yin or the Yang.
There is a class of twenty members in white suits practicing to the shouting of the sensei. It has a musty odor of sweat and sweaty stinky socks in here -to you- it smells like unbuttered popcorn. This place is notorious to law-abiding citizens and has an outstanding reputation. If only you had Canadian currency to purchase these lessons or items! They have very strict conducts in here. Looks like you will have to find a bank and exchange your pounds into foreign dollars and come back here.
NINJA COUNTER STRIKE! Our motto: "Like droplets on the pavement, so is the smudge of an enemy's blood."
Canadian currency only! No poundage! Go to bank in order to buy from here!
Dear little masters,
THE THIEVES GUILD AND HITMAN LESSONS LAST FOR ONLY ONE USE! AFTER YOU'VE USED IT ONCE IN A PARAGRAPH ALL TRACES OF THE LESSON VANISHES AND YOU MUST RETURN HERE TO LEARN IT ALL OVER AGAIN. BE WISE WHEN CHOOSING YOUR "UPGRADES OF CARNAGE".
THE ONLY LESSONS THAT YOU MAY KEEP FOREVER ARE THE NINJA LESSONS. That's why they're inexpensive!
UPGRADES OF CARNAGE!
Thieves Guild Lessons:
Pick Lock (will unlock most locked doors) 500 dollar!
Stealth Burglary (add +3 to your dice roll when stealing) 1000 dollar!
Hitman lessons:
How-to-use-my-gun perfectly once! "accurate aiming! You'll feel like James Bond." 1200 dollar!
The Art of Death "Silent and stealthy way to murder a person and remove Most Wanted points" 2000 dollar!
Ninja Lessons:
Drunken master (Allows you to get drunk beyond the initial limit; if you want to go beyond 19, you will die! So forget it! We can help you control yourself but NOT prevent alcohol poisoning!) 160 dollar!
Simple sod-it "can be heard half a block away! Our classes and instructors are trained to the lethal core!" (If you happen to get into fights often, this will help you win every time) 120 dollar!
Sumo dancing lessons for health and fun! 150 dollar! (adds 3 happy points and 1 extra health point every time you perform this)
"Visit our Hitman-Kill-You sponsors on the net.com"
SHOP:
Ninja black suit "the type worn by Lucy Liu" 49.95 dollar! (10 stealthy uncle, cat burglar)
Ninja counter strike! Tee shirt 20 dollar! (2 happy point)
Ninja Sober powder 25 dollar! (3 drunk reduced)
Ninja Protein 1-use only Mix 130 dollar! (add 10 health)
Tajiri's mist O' lime drink 200 dollar! (20 health restore)
Folding Katana ("we sell you just one ok?! No more than that!") 800 dollar! (stealthy uncle)
Bruce Lee audio/video compilation 30 dollar! (5 happy point)
Authentic Masks of Robbery:
"If you rob bank with these, you have dishonoured the code and will pay for it in afterlife!"
Bulbous Crying face 115 dollar
Swastika shaped mask 120 dollar
Want to hire a hit man? It'll cost you 50,000 pounds and please use an ASSUMED name! We'll fill out the forms for you and get you all set-up and ready to say our motto in your sleep! [hitman unavailable at this time, he is on vacation]
All of your personal information is confidential when you work with us to aid you in achieving your goals.
Rules and regulations of the club:
• We are not held responsible for the actions of hitmen gone wrong
• Everyone is strip-searched before entering, no crazy killers allowed!
• We are not here to teach you to be a terrorist! Do on your own time, not on ours!
• You must pay for anything you purchase up front, we do not loan out!
• We do not refund
• If you attack other members during classes, you will get a broken neck
• We do not tolerate loitering, thievery and/or abusing of any sort in here
• If you have complaint, keep it to yourself
• We are not all from Asia, get it through your head, ignorant bastards
• "Why?" don't we sell more than one katana? Because of lack of blue steel in Japan, and very hard to smuggle, please forgive us
• It is not our fault if any of the classes fail you, you should have paid more attention!
• Once again, there are no deductions on prices or refunds here!
• We do not sell firearms or are affiliated with firearms dealers
• How-to-use-my-gun Lessons (we only use wooden imitation guns, do not bring your gun to the lessons! We have lockers for your guns at the front entrance; and a warehouse of wooden imitations available)
• You must leave your firearm in a locker at entrance, failure to comply and you get broken spine and lead punctures and we're not talking acupuncture either
• Bring hard drugs in here, and you get rudely collapsed windpipe!
• We know who you are, do not mess around with us
-Regards, the staff
Make a donation of 45 quid or 25 Canadian Dollar to our "Stop the Rice Shortage" foundation and add Ninja Counter Strike to your Ally list. We are grateful for your patronage, and may the afterlife honour you.
Have nice day!
When you are done observing or purchasing, you return to Talgarth Road and make another decision as to where you will go to next, unless there was somewhere else you have to go? Return to 2.
25
The Rottweiler begins to bark and growl. Do you have any dog food or dog treats? If you do, you are able to throw some of it to the dog and slip back out the door without sustaining injuries. If not, the dog lunges forward and grabs you by the nose. Lose 8 health points. Either way, after the dog is satisfied biting you, you get out of the room. Now, you will have to find someone to look at your wound; you might have contracted rabies (add rabies to your notes).
Are you wanted by the police? Go here 55.
If you haven't gotten yourself into trouble with the police, you can hear shouting outside and gun shots; you may leave and go back outside again; it appears that the pigs are having a battle with the tenants from the Meth-Metropolis Housing as always. You wonder if Hedgehog is in the rift of the excitement since he lives in the area? Scroll to 21.
26
*if you were banned from this place and have returned; the hairdresser is ready for your return. Turn to 34. If this is your first visit then you are in the U ugly thing hair salon [Stylist health 5]
The salon is empty of costumers. There's an American flag scrolled across one of the walls. It smells of ammonia and lavender in here strong enough to make your throat sting and your stomach acids hurl. A young man dressed in tight purple vinyl greets you happily. "Need a hair clip or your pubes done? I support the flag of the countless rainbows. Today's your make-over day, mister man!"

Menu:
Hair color: Blond 10£, brown 10£ (+5 Happy); red 12£ or blue 12£ (+10 happy points)
Perm 30£ (20 happy points)
Spiked Punk 10£ (+5 happy points)
Dreadlocks 12£ (+10 happy points)
Groom menu:
Wash & hair cut 5£
Shave and/or trim 5£
Manicure & Pedicure 10£
Armpit hairs shaved/and or trimmed 5£
Nose hairs/eyebrows/ear hairs waxed trimmed 5£
Waxing/buffing job for bald-headed freaks who want a good reflection 10£
Disgusted by your appearance, he removes the help-wanted sign, and replaces it again after you leave. If this American attitude pisses you off, you can pull out a weapon and rob him blind? Refer to 31 to inform yourself of robbery if this is your first attempt then return to this paragraph. When you are ready, you can start the burglary any time.
To threaten the hairdresser, scroll to 103.
If you'd rather stick your nose up at his ignorance and snotty ways, you pay (or not) for whatever service available on the menu and leave. "Hey, if you don't pay me, mister, consider our relationship as burnt as TOAST!"
Return to Talgarth Road and continue on your merry English way. Scroll to 2.
27
"Shut your bloody cake-hole, Susan!" You suck in a load of breath after this great outburst. "SHUT UP!!!"
"Eddie! Eddie!" Hedgehog yells at you. "She's going through menopause! Nothing matters! Nothing! You better leave before she tries to kill me with the chain saw again. Hurry up and don't come back here until one week, my dear friend! Sorry....so sorry!" Add him to your enemy list NOT by his own accord however but of his wife's! Susan is ready to throw anthrax at the both of you. You leave and run over in the direction of the hotel. Scroll to 36.
28
You have your fingers crossed behind your back. Beads of sweat trickle down your forehead. The officers and bystanders are looking at you suspiciously. One of them speaks up, "I didn't see any hamster run by!"
You reply quickly with, "He is very small. You wouldn't see him any better than being able to see...a gnat?"
"Fair enough. What color is he then?!" one of the officers asks of you.
You think quickly and nod profusely as it comes to you, "cobalt...I believe."
"Cobalt!"
"Isn't that a sort of blue?" Asks a bystander to the officer, and they argue over it.
"Yes," You shout. "Um, BLUE because he was bald!"
"Bald?" They all exclaim.
"Indeed! He had an accident with Rich's hair removal shopping channel product last night and then ate the bottle. Then burned his testicles in the frying pan whilst scrambling an egg for me and the cats...uh thee cat... that... walked... in... from... the... second... floor... window... and demanded that we feed him or he'd kill us both! Ah! But that's not all, for old Cobalt Blue after falling down the stairs this morning in his hamster ball drank 4 litres of extra-strength industrial floor cleaner. I think that's the moment he became suicidal because he just ran off in tears while I was BBQ-ing his whale blubber in the conservatory with our dog nuts." You press your lips together and continue nodding, hoping this worked, and actually believing it yourself.
Did you really own a hamster, a cat and a pair of dog nuts?
"I've never HEARD of such a thing!" The street patrol yells cracking his voice, "I thought ye said ye was taking him OUT for a WALK!?"
"He's lying! Look! He's even got his fingers crossed behind his back!" a old woman shrieks and points a finger at you!
Will you pretend to be sleep-running? Scroll to 48.
Admit to your disgusting and pathetic lies? Scroll to 34.
Say, "Why the hell are you bothering ME for? It's Richard Richard the loony I was chasing to destroy for your benefit!!! Hurry up and stop stalling; he's probably reached the theatre by now!" Scroll to 19.
29
"Can you come in? HAGH! You have a lot of nerve, Edward Hitler! You and that loony you live with have bothered me and my lover for the last time! First Ritchie comes here, now you? This has been such a depressing day so far! I don't want either of you coming over here. Ever! You are both sick perverts who deserve to die a horrible death!" She opens the door a bit more, "I am NOT a needy crack hag! YOU ARE! You twisted ugly git!" She kicks you in the groin. Lose 8 health points. Add Deirdre to your enemies list. Whatever Ritchie did or said to her, he is ruining your reputation by it, and how you'll repay him is already forming in your mind; and it is more so of what you've just experienced right now. Will you force your way into her house? Scroll to 14.

Go to Purrfectly Priced corner store? Scroll to 5.
Go to Tandoori Kebab Restaurant? Scroll to 11.
Go to the Lamb & Flag pub? Scroll to 16.
Head West towards Queen Caroline Street? Scroll to 15.
Walk East down Parade Lane? Scroll to 9.
30
Carefully you step over his dog lying in the doorway. It looks like it's in a coma, and it does not wake at your footsteps. The place is deathly quiet. As you enter further you can see the kitchen down the hall and decide to head in that direction. The kitchen is cluttered; it looks like a tornado blew through here. As you rummage through the fridge, you find that everything is broken, spoiled or overdue. While taking a big gulp of lumpy sour milk and eating a pickled duck egg out of a jar, you see a broken vase on the floor; there appears to be 12 quid in it. Add the 12£ to your currency. There's loud chatter coming up from the kitchen window beside the fridge, someone is coming up the fire escape, and it carries the familiar mean ratty voice of Rottweiler. Will you wait for him and help him up through the window (scroll to 40) or be polite, knock on his apartment door, and pretend you just arrived (scroll to 8.)?
31
Make sure to visit your local underground Ninja Counter strike!

Committing Petty Theft:
To steal an item from a place of interest: First roll 2d6 once. Whatever the result (1-12) compare the dice results to the owner's health (located next to the store title). If it's equal to or lower than the owner's health, he/she saw you take the item and has called the police. If the results exceeded the clerk's health score, he/she has been successfully robbed by you and you may continue rolling the dice and comparing your rolls to the owner's health until you give up or get caught. You must add him/her to your enemy list and banned list if you're caught, but the item you grabbed onto while getting caught you can keep, you're just not allowed back in the store. Regarding expensive items that are higher than 12 are usually under strict surveillance or kept behind counters, so only through cheats of chance are you able to successfully steal them. You can use a Cheat of Chance to succeed if you think you might get caught!
Committing an armed robbery:
For one, you will need something to rob them with. Anything will do from a jar of pickles to a screwdriver as long as the item is marked on your list and by no means, in the game, you are not allowed to substitute just your fists to commit an armed robbery. You can only steal ONE item during your armed robbery. Immediately, add to your lists that you are banned from the place, that the victims are your enemy, and you must add 1 most wanted point. You are NOT allowed to use a Cheat of Chance to remove wanted points, remove them as your enemy, or uplift your banned status from their building!
Stealing money by committing another armed robbery:
Roll 2d6 and add 0 to the results. This is how much they gave you out of the till. Add to your lists that you are banned from the place that you robbed, that they are your enemy and add 1 most wanted point. As with the basic Armed Robbery, you are NOT allowed to use a Cheat of Chance to remove wanted points, remove them as your enemy, or uplift your banned status from their building!
Remember,
• Once you've nicked an item, you cannot steal it again and again. For example, in Ahmal's restaurant there is a rug up for grabs. Once you steal it, it's in your clutches forever. it's the ONLY one in existence! It will not rejuvenate back into the place for you to steal again. Food items are different, however, they will always return for you to take! So go do some hand-shopping at the supermarket.
• You can use Cheats of Chance to successfully steal an item.
• You cannot steal from every place on the map. Not all places are that stupid and are ready to fight back against this kind of illegal action. Some may even go to great lengths of killing you instead of facing the embarrassment. So watch it.
• Most paragraphs should indicate if you can thief from a place or not- so look for the option.
RETURN TO THE PARAGRAPH YOU NOTED.
32
Roll 1 die, this will determine how many bottles of wine you drink to yourself and how much to add to the drunk list.
If the result is 4 or less you can escape out the window, scroll to 41. If it is 5 or higher then read on:
Just as you begin to collapse over the boxes to get another wine bottle, a hard object hits the back of your head; flopping over to see who did this, you see Deirdre standing there in her blue mini skirt. She looks like a hooker on steroids. She lifts up a crossbow. "You are really twisted, Eddie." She is arming it with an arrow. "The police are on their way. God, I should've known you were only after my body and would stop at nothing to get drunk and get me in bed!" She lets loose an arrow into your left testicle.
You are smashed over the head by another person on your blindside. When you wake, steel bars of a jail cell smile their unsightly smile at you. Court orders and prison terms await you, and by then the artefact would have been auctioned off to the arseholes in Asia Minor. You should have been stealthier about your past actions. Scroll to 53.
33
* Are you banned from this place and have returned? Make a note of this reference and go to 52.
Have you returned to rob the place? If this is your first robbery attempt, scroll to 31 to educate yourself in the art of thievery. When you are ready, you may begin the robbery... If not, you can just buy an item, browse and leave peacefully.
WELCOME TO AUTO AND SOUNDS 25- (Clerk health 10) Servicing U for nearly 12 years hassle-free!
Our motto: "We finally got our business license! Give thanks to our Union burning to the ground."
You notice that the store is having a closing-out sale; it is nearly bare in here. Costumers are buying a lot of stuff. There's not much of anything that interests you. It is mostly all junk. You can apply for a job here to get some experience, so if you're interested, scroll to 163.
SPEAKER SYSTEM 365£
Fishing Rod with retractable line [requires 2 AA batteries] 425£
8 AA BATTERIES PACK 25£
REMOTE TOY CAR 200£
"We will buy an unmarked TOOL BOX (tools included) for 245 pounds from you!" "When you purchase the speaker system, you will get the remote toy car for *free*" Return to Talgarth Road, scroll to 2.
34
Got 300 quid or a Cheat of Chance? You could bribe the police to receive a pardon? Then they will give you a pardon and let you go. After bribery, you will continue your journey on the last reference you made note of but if you are up to your 3 pardon limit and have 3 most wanted levels then forget it, you will be arrested immediately! Your adventure ends.
Say, you have 1 or 2 most wanted? You could always roll 2d6 and compare it to your health score; if the result is equal to or lower, you manage to run away but your penalty will be to START your adventure on Parade Lane, scroll to 10.
If you've failed the skill test or have simply racked-up your pardons and most wanted levels then you are caught off guard, forced to the ground and handcuffed. Why would the authorities trust the likes of you? Filthy criminal, who enjoys wandering about the place, and making people nervous! Doing nothing good for the country but staying in a town . Stealing and probably lying too! So, you are beaten like a chunk of roast beef by their tenderizing batons, handcuffed and put in the cop car. Your epic quest for great fortune is over for now. Perhaps you'll have more luck winning the lottery or placing a bet on the Miss World Beauty Pageant while you're in prison?
35
You slam the bedroom door behind you and sit on your bed. Are you Most Wanted by the police? Go to 55. If not you can use this time to eat or store items under your bed for later. You look at the clock and see that it is noon. You had better hurry and devise a plan of sort if you hope to steal that artefact. Scroll to 10 to continue your search of Hammersmith. You can return here later.
36
*Are you wanted by the authorities and happened to run here to get away from them? Scroll to 54.
"No dogs allowed!"
Welcome to the Diego Hotel. This place is extremely posh! Much like the Marvelloso Splendido Hotelo in Hampton! If you enter this place there is a help wanted sign for caters "WELL GROOMED individual requires experience with food handling of meat products and food preparation items such as a Catering Gift Set (includes: pots, pans, woks, platters and cooking utensils) and a Baking diligent set (includes: pans for bread and muffins, cookie sheet, cooling rack and thermometer)."
If you have these items and skills and are well-groomed then scroll to 122. If not, or only have a few of what they require; they will not hire you until you have all the necessities. Without permission here, your time is treated as loitering and the heavily armed security guards escort you back outside. You can always return here at another time. Return to Queen Caroline Street and make your decision of where to go next- return to 15.
37
The Rottweiler wags its tail at you hesitantly and backs off; it appears to be very afraid. If you have any dog food or dog treats, you may give a ration to it. Only then will you be able to add canine companion to your allies list. If you do not have any dog food, you will have to buy some. This frightened dog will not let you pet it; you back out the door quietly. Now you must leave the building again before Richie gets back. You will be able to check up on the dog later. Scroll to 21.
38
While approaching the townhouse you notice someone on the second storey watching you from behind a laced curtain. If you are banned from this place (make a note of this reference) and go to 52. Will you continue to the rear of the backyard and find an open window to break in to (scroll to 18) simply, and innocently, take short-cut through the yard and cause no harm to anybody or anything (scroll to 41) or avoid this place altogether and return to Parade Lane (scroll to 10)?
39
"Oh, ghee, thanks, Eddie...care to stay for dinner or breakfast...errrr...or for whatever she's cooking?" You agree and slam the door behind you. Mark the item you gave off your list. Hedgehog seems edgy, and his wife is extremely grumpy, but nonetheless pleased with whatever gift you gave her. She prepares burnt toast, salty gravy with razor blade splinters in it, blood rare roast and ginger turnips in your honour. Both you and Hedgehog lie to her about how ‘great it was'. With this meal, you could lose 2 stone in the toilet, so reduce your health by 1 point considering the ill-effect it is taking on your stomach. "Care to stay to watch Emmer dale Farm? I've got eight hours of it on video. Rented it from the Hussein Brothers Video store!"
Fancy staying a while? Scroll to 111. Else, you decline his offer and take a rain check for later. ADD him and his wife as your allies. Now, you decide to return to Parade Lane. The police are long gone, so if you were most wanted, you can take that off your list now. Go to 10 and search elsewhere.

[tammy 2]

40
"What the bloody hell are doing in my flat, Eddie! I told you the next time I caught you in my flat again I was going to drive your head through the wall!" Rottweiler lifts his left fist and punches you in the jaw. As you try to fight back, he shoves your head under his sweaty armpit. He is going to ram you into the nearest wall he sees. You can use a cheat of chance anytime during a battle to win instantly! Mark it off your work sheet or save it for later. You must Add Rottweiler to your enemy list. ROTTWEILER has a health of 10. Compare his health to your health score. If your current score is lower than his health, you will be seeing stars for a long time, and must lose 2 health points. An equal result of his and your health results you both injure yourselves after slipping on broken glass and water. Lose 2 health points due to a severely scraped elbow and pierced buttock. If you were at Ninja Counter Strike, did you acquire any special moves? If so you may win this battle easily. If your health is reduced to 4, when you wake, you realize that you were dragged outside the apartment and left to lie on the pavement for every passer by to step on. If you had any money it was all stolen. Scroll to 10.
If the results are higher than his, you have escaped the headlock and rammed him into the wall instead! He has 5 quid in his pocket, you take that, and you are the first to get up and run away. You exit his flat and head straight to the Purrfectly Priced corner store, go to 5.
41
Casually, you walk toward the backyard of the townhouse. There is a flourishing vegetable garden back here. Enough to feed you and Ritchie for life! "Bollocks to him! There's enough vegetation here to ferment for life! I'd be pissed for the next 30 years, and never have to pay for a pint ever again!" Just as you creep over to pluck out a few beets, roll 1d6, and the result is how much you were able to pluck out before the whistling of a street patrol is heard. "There!" screams Deirdre from her window, "he's in my back yard! He's peeping at me again, that dirty pervert! I told Keith and swore the next time I saw that loony wanting my body for sexual fantasies I'd put him away for good!" The whistling is coming along the side of the house now. You rush over the fence into someone else's yard, and you could keep hopping fences until you're safe (scroll to 2) else, you could hop back over the fences again and punch that annoying patrol officer in the face (scroll to 4)?
42
The boxes contain old clothes and Christmas decorations. You spot a large toolbox and are in awe while gawping at the brand new power tools inside. Add a hand carried toolbox to your list. Will you inspect the wine racks (scroll to 49) or climb back out the window (scroll to 41)?
43
"What's the matter?!" He shouts, "What's the matter?" He grabs you be the collar most violently, "you have a lot of explaining to do! I saw your flat mate sneaking out of my kitchen window! Stuff is missing and since you're here, I might as well beat you into a bloody pulp and let the ambulance take you to the E.R!" What will be your reply?
"I'm sorry to hear this Mister Rottweiler, I wasn't here, I was at work, but I will look for Ritchie and inform you immediately of his whereabouts?” Scroll to 13.
"I'm sorry to hear that Mister Rottweiler, but I wasn't here and frankly I don't care what happened to you. Do you have any dry ice I can borrow?” Scroll to 47.
44
It's a pure bred and must be worth a good 300 quid. If you're quick enough you can drag it all the way up to your place and sell it to Harry the Bastard for a hefty fee. For some reason, the dog doesn't even wake up as you strain it by the collar. It's heavy but you manage to get it safely upstairs. Rottweiler grabs you by the balls from behind, "trying to steal my dog aye? Well I caught both of ye this time!" Mouth gaping wide, vocal cords wanting to scream like a girl, you can't quite explain the pain you're in- "The two of you bastards owe me two hundred quid for wrecking my kitchen! If you don't pay up the next time I see ye," he tightens his grip, "ye can explain to the authorities that you also owe me forty quid for vet fees and ask them how to get your testicles from my lemonade jug!" (Make a note of him as your enemy and that you owe him 240) He lets go of your tackle, shoves you head-first on the steps and retrieves his mutt. Whatever happened to him, it wasn't your fault, but he doesn't care. He got into trouble and he blamed you anyway for it. You decide to leave the building while you still have some dignity. Scroll to 10.
45
Whatever Ritchie dumped out this week, you land on it with a great crash! The coppers are swearing at you and ordering you to stay there. You charge up the alleyway behind your building and out onto Queen Caroline Street. In which direction will you go now? Straight to Hedgehog's place located in the dodgy Meth-Metropolis area (scroll to 60) run to Diego Hotel (scroll to 36) or the theatre house (scroll to 54)?
46
Diamond engagement rings, a Hope Diamond Necklace, Cubic Zirconia earrings and all other sparkling gemstones tease and delight you. They are scattered on a purple velvet cushion behind a pane of glass with iron grills. A smear of someone's face has garnished the glass. Some sad old git must have been staring at all the jewels for a very long time. There is a closed sign on the front door. The jeweller shop is not open for some reason. Perhaps it will be open later on? You step back onto Talgarth Road, scroll to 2.
47
His pupils are larger than ever. He reminds you of a great white shark. He shoves you across the hall where you hit the wall opposite. He kicks you in the groin. Lose 4 health points (you can use a cheat of chance to regain lost health) "Eddie! You bleedin' shit stain! I'll give you dry ice in this form!" He holds up his fist, "give this to Richie-" he jabs you on the upper lip. "No doubt that will swell up in about five minutes!" After the beating you stumble out onto the street, battered bloodied and bruised, but glad to be out of the building. Rottweiler is your enemy now. You must get even with Richie; you must, you must at all costs. Scroll to 10.
48
You close your eyes tightly and start running on the spot. The police are staring at you suspiciously. You start to run on the spot as fast as you can until one of them shakes you by the shoulders very violently. You pretend to wake up, "Oh! My, oh my! I must have been doze running again! Where am I? What have I done in my unconscious state? Is it morning or afternoon? Is it today or tomorrow? Are we still in yesterday? Has the milkman come by? BLOODY NORA, I was in the Theatre watching the Circus of Flying Cunts one moment and now I'm out here! Someone blame David Copperfield for my misfortune, I swear he put a curse on me! I had to pull the knave out from my bottom instead of my mouth! I had to go to the hospital because of it you know. Or I may very well be blessed with uncontrollable telekinesis; I have yet to consult a psychic to help me curb these powers of mine, for one minute I'm shopping merrily at the green grocers the next I'm far off in the Carpathians picking frozen berries wondering how I'm going to ever get home! I had to spend a night in an old Romanian tavern and met a hooker called Elvira who bit me on the chota."
If you have a cheats of chance, they will buy it and pardon you regardless of how many re-offences you happen to have to your name. scroll to 58. However, if your alcohol level is passed 5 or you’re most wanted your attempt to fool them fails. Scroll to 34.
49
These bottles of wine are very old. There aren't any labels on them. "I could make a fortune with these if I sold them off but first, I'd better see how long they've been fermenting!" Just as he pops out the cork of one of them (just to sniff it) the spout somehow finds its way into his lips and he accidentally gulps half of it down his gullet! ADD +2 DRUNK. You should test Eddie's willpower by rolling 2d6. If his current score is less or equal to his willpower, he sighs a breath of relief and waits to drink the other two bottles later. If it exceeded his willpower score then he splurged his DRUNK LEVELS to 10! ADD 1 wine bottle to your weapons list. You must leave out the window now, scroll to 41. If Eddie failed the test of willpower and succumbed to his temptation, scroll to 32.
50
Looking around the filthy white kitchen, now thickly stained in shades of brown and green; you find all of the cupboards and fridge bare. Richie hasn't done any shopping today. You find a container half-filled with roach pesticide and drench that onto your tongue. While tossing that over your shoulder you come across half a pint of petrol (add +2 drunk points)- good way to start your day off. Richie left a piece of burnt toast in the garbage might as well eat that and sit at the kitchen table and read what's in the Article Gazette: "Bellcrest has had its share of plumbing disasters, only this morning all toilets clogged up and everyone had to use their porcelain kidney dishes. I've never smelled anything as bad before when I went into the place for my morning tee-off." "Speedy Gonzalas wins again! I've on no account seen a steed that helped others lose so much money!" "... electrician courses available at Auto & Sounds on Talgarth; the world needs more people who can work with electricity. After reading an article about my former boss who French kissed a live light socket, I may never be the same again- as a matter of fact, neither will he...( loud laughter)" "If you don't donate you organs today who will long after you're dead? Sarston's the no-good infidels? It's better to know that you're selling them with angels rather than devils. Drop by the church today, hopefully we will be open, if not just give us a pick." -You close the newspaper and ponder, "An electrician? Yep, I think I may need a re-refresher course! I only stayed ten minutes the last one. I think I really should have stayed the full thirty minutes? I can get into the estate as long as know a thing or two about a thing or two on high voltage."
With a bright light bulb hovering over his head; he dashes upstairs, leaving us readers downstairs, and returns with a large rusty toolbox and slams it on top the table. Inside there's a screwdriver with a crudely curved tip, "blimey! How'd that get bent?" There's a hammer with a missing head, "I don't remember doing this!" and a box set for drill bits, "all the pieces are vanished AND the driller is missing too!" and a large turkey fork with both prongs twisted out of proportion. Looks like you will have to buy or steal another toolbox from somewhere. You can add these items to your list if you simply cannot part with them. No one will buy them from you, so make a note of that also. The television set is playing on every channel The Merry Griffith's hour, which is a program about a ten-year anniversary contribution of weeding greens for outdoor weddings. There's no food in the flat and the bathroom has a leakage problem. Let's not stick around here and rather depart downstairs to explore the town. "Good idea but first I'd best check if those damn mutts aren't down there. Last I tried to leave they attacked me and ripped the Relief Fund collectors to shreds." He peeps cautiously down the stairwell, and sees no Dobermans tied to the neighbour’s door handle. Eddie goes downstairs.
Will you enter Rottweiler's flat to see if he is home (scroll to 30) or leave out the front door of the building and out onto Parade Lane (scroll to 10)?
51
Hammersmith Bugle: Page 3 "...Bell Crest Hall will be holding an auction and dinner at 7PM; all tickets were sold out in 15 minutes breaking a new record for "most boring events ever" having sold tickets in such a short time...meals will be courtesy of Diego Hotel catering services "if those frog wannabes can move fast enough that is" says one Polish spokesperson..."
Help Wanted ads, "butchers wanted! No experience necessary! Apply at the Meat Shop on Talgarth Road..."
"Janitor needed for Bellcrest Estates, please come prepared, liable to be hired upon arrival..."
"Donors needed at the blood clinic...find one in your area and start giving generously...."
"Caterers needed for temporary position at Diego hotel, come prepared and you just might be hired..."
"The Green Grocers manager needs shopping cart collectors..."
Advertisement: "The school of Etiquettes is highly affiliated with royalty! Please do not insult us with unintelligence! Come to our classes and learn something about becoming a butler why don't you? You're a bunch of infidels if you don't!"
Bugle Headlines: Front page "...Buddhists excited upheaval during a motor bike rally... Using lavatory paper decreases I.Q... Hammersmith journalist shot to death by his boss after he was caught promoting an on-strike group... Tectonic plates shifted England into a frenzy ‘I was drunk and missed the whole event, give me the tape and I will watch it when I'm not so damn bored' said Prince Charles."

You put the paper back on the rack, and look around the store again, return to 5.
52
Returning to a building where you were banned from will only get you into trouble with the police. They arrive in seconds to greet you, put you in handcuffs and read you your rights. The items you stole (if any) from the very place you are standing in are recovered by the Justice System, all other possessions of yours are left alone. Use a Cheats of Chance to your advantage if you have any left, for the owner of the building or tenant will pardon you and the authorities will set you free again WITHOUT the stolen item, of course, unless you use yet another Cheat of Chance and manage to get away with that too!
Add 1 pardon to your list and return to the previous paragraph to get back on track.
If you have no Cheats left, or already own 3 pardons, or are Most Wanted the Knock Jenkins hits you on the forehead with his baton and drags you off to the squad car, and your mission is over.
Now return to the reference you made note of.
53
You wake up just as a surgeon yanks an arrow out of your crotch. A holler and quick faint puts you back to sleep. When you are roused again, you are greeted by a large breasted nurse and three angry policemen. "Oh dear..." Eddie moans. An officer nearby lifts his baton up high over his head, "vagrant, we've got a cosy resort for perverted blighters like you" and hits you over the bandaged head, "you're nicked, sonny! Get him out of here."
54
You are in range of Parade Lane. One of the constables talking to an elderly lady sees you. "Look there!" He yells at the officers coming out of your flat. "I believe the man you are looking for is running in the direction of the theatre! Hurry! Hurry before he gets away!" Now you have four law-abiding people chasing after you blowing their whistles and waving their batons (WITH side handles!) high in the air. Eventually, you are tackled to the ground by a large muscular man! It is the very man you recognize from yesterday; the one with the sweet mother that Richie yelled at and made cry! He will always have a grudge on you no matter what! You will have to talk your way out of this one. Will you pretend you're sleep-running? Scroll to 48.
If not, what are you going to say?
"Sorry officers, my hamster escaped from its leash and I was just chasing after it before the poor dear went and fell into a drain pipe that had a dead cat in it. Are you sure I'm the one you're looking for?" Scroll to 28.
"Why the hell are you stopping ME? It's Richard Richard the loony I was chasing after for your benefit!!! Hurry up and stop stalling before he reaches the theatre!" Scroll to 19.
55
You can't stay in your room all day! You must flee! You run down stairs to the kitchen and open the kitchen window. The front door has been raided. You clamber out on the ledge and sneak as fast as you can and as far as you can along the brick exterior. You're three stories high with no where to hide, no where to jump, and no windows to climb in to!
"Stop there I say!" yells a policeman looking out the window at you; you stick up your middle finger at him. He repays your gesture with gunfire and you slip off the slimy ledge shat on by envious pigeons. Do you have any more Cheats of Chance? If so, you manage to fall on an overflowing pile of garbage below. scroll to 45. If you don't have any left, a few bullets strike you in the ribcage as you plummet downward. You miss the trash bin of full of garbage by five feet and land on the alleyway concrete- breaking your legs, back and hips. You wake up days later in the hospital with Richie gloating over you with a large smile. In his arms is a gift basket full of burnt pudding and sprouts. There are a couple of bright flowers in the basket that have green fly bits all over them. The artefact is long gone by now and your adventure has come to an end.
56
* If you were banned from this place and have returned! Saints preserved, may the gods strike you dead! Scroll to 64.
The area is bustling with many shoppers today. If you have 2 quid and plan to buy a lot of items then get a cart and start shopping, but you don't have to buy the cart if you don't want to.
WELCOME TO THE GREEN GROCERS (Store Clerk health 6) Need a rusty Shopping Cart to carry your items home? 2 quid (+1 happy point) "We have laser-killing technology at every exit for your protection against repeat-offenders!"
Vegetation/fruits:
50 Brussels sprouts 5 quid
Can of prunes 3.50
Elm Tree Cooking Oil 3 quid
Dead Tongue Chili Powder 4 quid
4 baked Potatoes 4 quid
"We will buy freshly picked beets from you for 1 quid each."
Produce/other edibles:
Non-pasteurized Milk 2.50
3 old Duck Eggs for 3 quid
Peach ‘n' Cream yogurt (been on the shelf since the first Gulf War) 2 quid
Canned creamy eels 6 quid
30IL frozen Turkey 30 quid
'Can I Drink yo Juice' Orange Juice 6 quid
Box O’ Flakes (+1 health) 2 quid
1 pound of orange flavoured tea leaves 3 quid
Flour 4 quid
Brown Sugar 4 quid
HOUSEHOLD:
Broom 8 quid
Mop 8 quid
Metal bucket/pale 4 quid
Ammonia (+5 drunk) 22 quid
Shoe Polish 2 quid
Small Laundry/scullery Trolley 134 quid
Tableware set (includes: fake silk cloth, napkins, utensils and dinnerware) 150 quid
Catering Gift Set (includes: pots, pans, woks, platters and cooking utensils) 150 quid
Baking diligent set (includes: pans for bread and muffins, cookie sheet, cooling rack and thermometer) 100 quid
If you sell the Grocer 12 freshly picked beets then you may include him on your list of Allies! When you are finished here, you can apply for a job (scroll to 95) or return to Talgarth Road (scroll to 2)?
57
The Church's gables are green with slime, gob and bird shit; the spit from centuries of protestant heresy turmoil. "When WILL they clean that crap off?"...the cathedral is six hundred years old... "and it was built by the last remaining Tudor Family member." ...No, it wasn't, but it has that age old Golden Age Elizabethan appeal with many steps leading up to the main double doors. It's a structure that is menacing enough to scare you on a howling Halloween night. You see gargoyles high above looking down at you with glowing red eyes... "Strange... I thought they promised you heaven?" You step up to the door only to find them both locked. If you have picklock mastered from Ninja Counter Strike, you can quickly over come this obstacle, scroll to 69. If you do not posses this fancy skill, you can always acquire it and return here later. Return to Falgarth Road, scroll to 2.
58
Thankful for your insane luck; you decide where to go next:
East Down Parade Lane, scroll to 9.
Talgarth Road, scroll to 2.
King Street, scroll to 80.
Parade Lane, scroll to 10.
59
*are you banned from this shop? If so, go to 52, and return to this reference later.
*If you are here to rob the joint, make a note of this reference, and scroll to 31 to learn the basics of theft for free!
WELCOME TO THE MEAT SHOP (clerk health 3)
The burly owner of the butcher shop shakes your hand upon your arrival. You retract it, quite honoured by the fact he didn't bother wiping the bright blood off. He offers you a job as a stand-in meat cutter while he steps out to tend to other duties.
Do you accept? If you are interested in getting a job here, he hands you a blood stained white apron and asks you, "roll up your sleeves, mate!" Scroll to 63.
If you're not attentive to food handling experience and just came to browse and purchase; he shows you the selection of cuts; they are not super small but super huge! One meat purchase you decide on raises your happy points by 10! But is the price worth it? You decide.
3 bulky Polish sausages 400 (+5 health) (+10 happy)
A week's worth of Beef ribs 800 (+10 health) (+10 happy)
30IL A large slab of beef steak 600 (+7 health) (+5 happy)
A bucket of veal stew 500 (+6 health) (+12 happy)
1 whole Christmas stuffed Pig 1000 (+12 health) (+12 happy)
If you purchase three Christmas stuffed swines then you can add the Butcher to your list of Allies! When you are done, return to Talgarth Road, scroll to 2.
60
Quickly, you run as fast as you can to Hedgehog's townhouse. If he is your enemy, then no one answers the door and you must run across the street to the Diego Hotel, scroll to 36. If you haven't been to his place before or are still allied with him; he kindly lets you in and you explain to him your situation. His wife is not pleased with you being there and begins to nag at her husband about it; he begins to stutter and stammer nervously. Will you Tell her to shut her mouth (scroll to 27) apologize, leave immediately and go to the Diego Hotel (scroll to 36) give them a gift if you have anything to spare just to shut his wife up (scroll to 39)?
61
*Are you banned from this place and have returned? Make a note of this reference and go to 52.
*Returned to rob the place? If this is your first robbery attempt, make not of this ref and scroll to 31 and educate yourself. When you are ready you can begin the robbery. If not, you can just buy an item, browse and leave peacefully.
WELCOME TO THE GIFT SHOP (clerk health 5)
"We're on the verge of being bulldozed!!! Please buy my useless crap."
Cinderella Glass Dolly (tip top shape, but has poltergeist activity) 45 QUID (Stealthy Uncle)
Marble Mosiac Statuette 60 QUID (Stealthy Uncle)
HOME-MADE CANDIES (Bailey's flavoured, vodka mint flavoured, Tia Maria flavoured) 30 QUID for 6 pieces (+2 drunk)
Return to Fulham Road, scroll to 70.


62
You are at the shopping mall. The square is busy this morning with seniors who appear easy targets, if you're that kind of person you just might get paid today? If you'd rather not try to make dirty money this way, you find mostly woman's clothing stores, children's arcades and expensive coffee shops that serve mud in tiny palm-sized cups. In what direction will you head? Will you cut through the mall toward Hammersmith grove (scroll to 77) or return to Fulham Road (scroll to 70)?
To start purse-snatching Roll 2d6 to establish the person's score. You must roll higher than her score. If you are successful in robbing the elderly then add a 0 to the number you just rolled. That is the money you gained. You can continue to rob as many seniors as you wish, but must roll up a new score for each victim. Results that were equal to or lower the victims score is in their favour, and you were caught trying to rob an old lady of her precious purse! You will have to leave immediately, for her yelling has attracted the security guards. You lose the purse and gain 1 most wanted level, scroll to 34.
63
You are led to the back where there are stained blades and discarded bones over-flowing in a rubber container. Add Food Handler/Preparation Certificate to your list. "Tend to the meat and tend to all of the costumers until I get back!" He leaves you to it. Think you can handle it? Keep rolling up to six times in the order below. After the sixth roll the owner will return and is either pleased with your services or is horrified and fires you. Start rolling the two dice and compare. You must roll all six turns then proceed to read the conclusions below and find the one that pertains to you.
BEGIN!
If you roll a result HIGHER than your current health score you enraged one costumer who left without buying. And the same: if you roll a result HIGHER than your current health score you've shredded all the meat to bits and made a monster mess of your work area.
Roll 2d6 3x and compare the results to Eddie's health score. If the results are equal to or lower than Eddie's health score then he was able to slice a couple of professional-looking steaks and sandwich cuts. And the same: roll 2d6 3x and compare the results to Eddie's health score. If the results are equal to or lower than his health score than he tended to one costumer successfully!
How did you do? To determine your pay, you will be asked to roll dice and add a 0 to the total (FOR EXAMPLE if you rolled only an 8 then added a 0, your amount will be 80):
• If you didn't shred any of the meat and managed to tend to all paying costumers, roll 2d6 and add 0 to the result. You're welcome to return here to work again if you need it.
• If you shredded any of the meat, but managed to tend to all of his costumers, roll 2 d6 and add 0 to the result. You are welcome to work for him again if you need to.
• If you shredded the meat and lost only a few customers, roll 1 d6 and add 0 to the result. You are welcome to work for him again if you need to.
• If you didn't shred the meat but lost all of his costumers, roll 1 d6 and DO NOT ADD A 0!!! whatever the result you receive is how much he pays you. Apparently, he values his costumers more than a slab of bull. He pays you your wagers but will not be hiring you again, so make a note of that. You can still enter his shop but ONLY to purchase items.
• If you lost all of his costumers who arrived in your care AND shredded all of the meat on top of that, he does not pay you, but shoves you violently out the door with a boot to your bottom, banning you forever! ADD him as your enemy!

When you’re finished, scroll to 2.
64
Upon entering the grocery store, you see a flash of green lasers! Hundreds of them! Reaching for you! you feel the inside of your body grow hot as if you had been plunged head-first into a hot tub. Your vision blurs and the last thing you see is the Green Grocers boss laughing at your pitiful death. Who knows? Maybe on one boring Halloween Richie will be able to resurrect your spirit using an incantation from his Lady Bird of Witchcraft?
65
Jiggyjam joins you.
"What the-" You ask of him. "What are you doing here?"
"Shut up!" He shoves you to the floor and pulls the wires in your place. He yanks them out as hard as he can from the glass counter. There's no sound of an alarm, and as you both sigh a breath of relief and each grab the artefact of choice the counter explodes! Shards of glass fly everywhere! All of the paintings and vases shatter and the room fills with smoke. The walls are on fire and you're sitting somewhere in the rubble. You rise up and stand on both feet again. Dazed and seared, Jiggyjam is still clutching the artefact and mangled wires in his burnt grasp. He reminds you of Willy Coyote after setting off his own booby trap. No more explosions set off after that, and you both look to the exit leading into the room where the auction is taking place. Jiggyjam bolts for it first but you're quicker. You both try to squeeze through the same doorway, but with a struggle as mighty as Hercules; you both get wedged in it for a few seconds. Spectators are watching. There is a loud POP and you're free from the doorframe! The auctioneer is staring at you and at the artefact you happen to be harbouring beneath your armpit. There are a number of doors of exit in this room, but you head into the grand foyer and to the main doors. Scroll to 207.
66
You can run away at any time during this battle. Regardless, if you are drunk or not, you can still fight him. Your fistfight has attracted a crowd.
Green Grocer clerk has a Health of 6.
If you have any weapon items with you, you may use them in this battle, but it is tricky because your opponent can easily swipe it from you and use against you. Roll 2d6 and compare the result to your health and your opponent's health, if the result is equal to or lower than your health and is HIGHER than his health then you've succeeded in hitting the Green Grocer clerk with the selected item. MARK THE ITEM OFF YOUR LIST, HIS HEAD JUST DAMAGED IT, AND HAS BEEN KNOCKED OUT COLD, YOU WIN! If the foe's health is equal to or lower than the dice result and the result was HIGHER than your SCORE then he dodged your blow, swiped the item from you and managed to get a hit in (lose 4 HEALTH)! If you both got equal to or lower than you both hit each other! (Lose 4 HEALTH)
The crowd starts to laugh. Should you possess special ninja counter strike skills, the manager backs off and refuses to fight you, for he recognizes that stance from anywhere! Perhaps he too was once a member? If you'd rather forgo the weapons and just use your dukes then compare your health score and dice results as above, reducing both your stamina by 2 each hit, until you decide to give up or win. When your foe has been reduced to 2, the battle ends. Add the supermarket to your banned places list, add the boss to your enemies list. Did you win? Run away very quickly…
If you killed your opponent, the green grocers onlookers lift up their mammoth cell phones and dial the police. Add the boss to your dead bodies list; add the supermarket to your banned places list, and Add 1 Most Wanted. Well what did you expect? Unless you were honing a mask during the entire battle these spectators aren't blind or stupid for they have just reported you! Shoot and kill them all you want, you are 'WANTED' now.

Scroll to 2.
67
The road is bustling with all kinds of people needing to go to the hospital or the Love Bureau; you look through the window of this building to see if Richard is sitting within, but alas only strangers decorate the chairs, and not the local loony. You are in the medical district. It is highly secure in this area seeing that the Scotland Yard police station owns this area and patrols it regularly. A warty nurse pinch's your buttock as she passes by...
Are you wanted by the police for murder or robbery? Scroll to 34.
Need to donate blood? Walk over to the Blood Clinic and see what they can do for you? Scroll to 75.

You can head east to Fulham Road (scroll to 70) walk over to Broadway (scroll to 98) else, head west to Queen Caroline Street (scroll to 15)?
68
"Everybody freeze!" You yell out loud. "Right! Gim'me a quart of Smirnoff, a package of love hearts, a blank tab and a thousand pounds to cover the expenses to Hawaii. NOW!!!"
"Do I look like a dickhead to you?" Replies Dick the barman, unenthused or not in the least bit shocked by your obtrusive behaviour; he leans on the counter as if you've already tried this outburst before and simply won't fall for it anymore. "To think you could pull that one over my eyes? It's time to rumble this parasite, I think..." and with that he pulls up on a cord with his foot and you fall feet first through a trap door. You land with a splash into an old shitty sewer system. You're hopelessly lost and by the time you find your way out it will have been days since the successful auction at Bellcrest. Your adventure ends.
69
Father O' Meilly wants to sell your organs at our holy sanctuary and make money doing it! We have an on-sight church surgeon. It's only a walk-in 1-hour surgery for one (or more) organs, which will make a difference for a lifetime. No refunds.
1 kidney 30 quid (1 health reduced permanently)
1 testicle 5 quid (1 skill reduced)
3 teeth for 1 quid
Gold teeth 5 quid each (Eddie does not have gold teeth)
1 lung 100 quid (2 health reduced points permanently after surgery due to shortness of breath)
Intestine by the foot, 1 quid per foot
Pancreas 12 quid
Need to make a confession? We don't care to hear about it. Return to Talgarth Road by scrolling to 2.

[tammy 2]

70
You are on Fulham Road. This road is very busy with traffic and street patrol- every time you wish to walk in this area, you will have to be cleared of any Most Wanted levels to be safe and sound; otherwise make note of this ref and scroll to 34.
Safe an' sound then deary? Ok dokey then, where do you want to go?
North, toward Harry's Pawn Shop, Scroll to 99.
South, toward the used Gift Shop, Scroll to 61.
Go into the Shopping Mall district, Scroll to 62.
Talgarth Road, Scroll to 2.
King Street, Scroll to 80.
Sheppard's Bush Road, Scroll to 67.
Far north toward Hammersmith Road, scroll to 91.
Farther south toward a narrower road where Chief Mangosuthu Buthelezi's cul-de-sac is located, scroll to 100.
71
It is eerily silent at the theatre. There's a show called The Circus of Flying Cunts playing at 7PM; too bad you'll be elsewhere at this time, but oh well you could always get a counterfeit copy of the live show from the Hussein Brothers.
A constable talking to an elderly lady on the corner of Parade Lane and Queen Caroline spots you. He is acting as if he might have recognized you from somewhere but can't quit place you: "Look there!" He yells at the officers walking in your direction, "I believe the man you are looking for is within in the direction of the theatre! I'm sure of it! Hurry! Hurry before he runs away! QUESTION HIM!"
Why can't they just sod off already? Now you have four law-abiding people chasing after you, blowing their whistles, and waving their batons in the air. Eventually, you are tackled to the ground by a large muscular man, the very man you recognize from yesterday. Yes, Richie accidentally dumped a pale of watery toilet grit on his mother. It was washing-up week that day, and today, he has completely soiled your luck. You will have to talk your way out of this one OR pretend you're sleep-running... again? Scroll to 48.
If not, what are you going to say to them?
"Sorry officers, my hamster escaped from its leash and I was just chasing after it before the poor dear went and fell into a drain pipe with a dead cat in it. Are you sure I'm the one you're looking for?" Scroll to 28.
"Why the hell are you stopping ME? It's Richard Richard the loony I was chasing after for your benefit!!! Hurry up and stop stalling before he reaches the theatre!" Scroll to 19.
72
You step onto Hammersmith Grove, and get a whiff of sour urine and dog feces on the midsummer breeze. Scroll to 77.

73
While strolling south down the paved sidewalk, you pass by a large white house; there's a purple neon sign in the window reading: "The Oracle" You ENTER.
The living room is embellished with fluffy pillows and Turkish carpets. It smells of sweet incense sticks and there are a lot of strange plants and exotic Asian statues about the place. A Mongolian sitting behind a table wearing an orange turban and dressed in purple robe invites you in with long pointy fingernails. He gives you the creeps a bit, "ah, salaam to you my guest. I see you've found my secret phone number? I am your guardian oracle. Don't confuse me with a guardian angel or a genie. I haven't had a costumer in twenty years. I'm getting rusty...and so is my crystal ball...okay, you didn't find that very funny, glass can’t rust...no problem at all. Please excuse me a jiffy while I glance about my surroundings and use my chi to tap into its whereabouts...hmmmmmm.... hummmmmmmm.... huuuuuuuuuu...."
He searches under nearby pillows for it.
"Blast it! I could have sworn I bought a replacement in case of emergencies such as this! Anyways," He gestures you to sit opposite him. "Nevermind my roaming eyes, I'm far sighted. HEY-and don't get a glass splinter up your ass. They're all over the floor. I can't afford to get sued again; else, I'll have to return to Canada, live with my mother again and go back on welfare. So, I guess you're wondering if I'm going to say ‘cross my palms with silver' like that old battle axe Brenda who works at the fair grounds? Well, you're wrong! I'm not a silvery kind of gentleman, so don't look at me like that! Did you bring me anything?"

Did you buy any tea? He will take it from you, prepare a cup for you and read your fortune out of the tea cup, scroll to 90.
If you don't have any tea then you must pay him a 10 pound fee to receive your fortune, scroll to 82.
You could pay him 800 quid or give him a Flying Magic Tapestry and see what you get, scroll to 114.
Otherwise, you rise while shrugging your shoulders and return to Butterwick. When you step outside, you notice that the curtains and neon sign that was once there have disappeared. Well, whoever he was, he's gone now. You cannot visit with him a second time should you happen in this area again. Make a note that you've seen the oracle. Only a magical incense peppermint taxi trip will get you back to him now. Scroll to 94.
74
Crossing over Hammersmith central, you can see the scaly blue rooftop of the Bellcrest estate. What throws you off by its appearance is the barb-wired brick wall surrounding it. It must be an important place, and it is no doubt the place you must go to steal the artefact before the auction. Perhaps, if you haven't yet, you could find a good disguise, educate yourself and trick your way into the building? When you reach Bellcrest Lane a homeless woman stops you and asks for some change. Either you donate some of your hard-earned cash to her or decline and tell her to bugger off; either way, when you continue up the lane you are pushed from behind. A group of 12 year old youths surrounds you. There are too many of them. They poke and prod at your poor limbs with cattle prods, plastic pitchforks and hit you over the head with a hot water bottle; a few ten year olds in the crowd hit you over the head repeatedly with pots. The same mishap happens to the poor beggar who only minutes ago asked you for a few pennies. The light of day blacks out and you are both left to lie there on the sidewalk, helpless victims of a childish mugging. If you had money on you it’s gone now. Scroll to 126.
75
A receptionist asks you to fill out a form and to sit down and wait your turn. It is up to you if you wish to donate blood to the clinic or not?
Are you a:
A first time blood donator? (1 health point lost) you are paid 10 quid and given a cherry lollipop
A second time visiting to donate blood? (2 health points lost) you are paid 20 quid
A third time today visiting to donate blood? (4 health points lost) you are paid 25 quid
A fourth time visiting to give us your gift of life? (6 health points lost) you are paid 40 quid
Fifth time or more? Forget it, mate; they tell you to leave and not return until tomorrow.
Whatever you choose, on your way out you spot a flyer on the wall ‘come n visit the almighty Oracle on Butterwick, simply call him at paragraph #73 (make a note of this number when you’re asked to call a cab). If you take the taxi now, you won't be able to get back to this paragraph. You return to Sheppard's Bush Road and continue your merry way light-headed or not. Scroll to 67.
76
Birds chirping ring out your ears and old aquatic fish tank stink-clouds your nostrils. Think you have what it takes to rob this place? If you're that type of depraved person who doesn't care what the animals have to say, scroll to 105.
If you care what they have to say then browse in peace. WELCOME TO THE PET STORE (clerk health 2) Cheap "PET" BRAND NAMES you can trust with not so much by-products! "Stuff you can buy for fun or if you own a pet and want it to bite something else other than you."
Pet Tooth's pet food, bulk bag (3 happy points, for you or your pet) 18 QUID
Pet Tooth's raw hide (2 happy, for you or your pet) 6
Pet Prey blood-gusher toy (just like the real thing) (2 happy for your pet, not you) 14 QUID
Pet Prey furry-skin bed ALL SIZES! (Comfy as a rabbit's den) (6 happy, for your pet not you) 30 QUID
Crabby old Hamster (needs 10 happy points to be happy) (10 happy points) 20 QUID
Hamster starter kit (5 happy for hamster) 12 QUID
Hamster Sunflower Seed food (3 happy, for you or your pet) 4 QUID
Animal Crate (all sizes, any animal) (10 happy for pet) 60 QUID
Pet Tooth's Fancy Pants Leash (5 happy for pet) 10 QUID
Return to 9.
77
Hammersmith grove is a narrow road that is cobble stoned and unkempt. A very dangerous place at night and a cosy place in the early day; it has prostitutes standing along the buildings and drug dealers hiding in dark corners. There are a few businesses that thrive here though. A run down motel where you met a crazy woman called Linda ten years ago; who claimed to know Sid Vicious and Nancy in the 70s and fed them heroine. There's also a large brick house, but reputation precedes it, and it is closed at this time of day.
Cork and Bottle 'off license', scroll to 84.
Fish N Chips, scroll to 135.
You can:
Return to the Shopping Mall district, scroll to 62.
Go down the alleyway between a motel and sex shop, scroll to 94.
78
You're not the only one in the classroom; there are ten others here. An older man, a retired butler is your instructor for today. One hour goes by, half an hour goes by and five minutes later the butler is still setting up with the table with cutlery. He’s fancying up napkins, cleaning dust, ironing collars and answering the doorbell. Soon enough you sit patiently and listen to the tips Mister Beesbark decides to share with the rest of you who survived the crazy kids kindergarten session for butlers who baby-sit. "Many congratulations are in honour toward you all. Make sure you purchase a tableware set at the Green Grocers and get a job very quickly! Now, goodbye," he opens a canteen of whiskey and falls to his death off the terrace. You are given a free butler suit, 1 free coupon to U ugly Thing Hair salon.

A Butler Course Certificate costs 20 quid.
The package called the Gentleman's Honour 101 & Table manners 101 costs 20 quid (required if you are taking the butler course)

Without the remaining certificates, you're not quite ready to be a butler yet. You can return to the school anytime when you can afford to buy the other courses and simply return to this reference without having to pay the 50 quid fee to get in.
When you've completed all, scroll to 109.
Return to the lobby, scroll to 96.
If you've had enough general knowledge for one day, you take your leave of the school, scroll to 15.
79
The people in the bank begin to panic! You threaten the teller with your weapon of choice, and he hands you a money bag..."You'll pay for this! Justice always prevails!"
Roll 2 d6:
2- You received 500 quid in new money
3- A bag full of Monopoly money
4- A bag full of counterfeit money with blank backs
5- 40 quid
6- 10,000 quid and blue ink explosives (so, when you open the bag the ink bombs will explode ruining the value of your money)
7- A bag of blue ink explosives
8- 5 quid
9- A fake watch off one of the tellers and an empty money bag
10- A barking Mini pinscher worth 100 quid and 30 old shillings
11- 100 Pound Gift certificate to J.C Pence for +25 Fashions
12- You received 1000 pounds!
If you got 1 because the other die landed funny or fell into a crack somewhere then a teller opens your chest with a shotgun round and ends your mission.
After you receive your results you have to leave this bank immediately. Add it to your banned list, and add 15 bank people to your enemy list. 1 most wanted on your list too if you weren't wearing a mask! The cameras have caught you red-handed...shit, shit, shit!!!!!!!!
Run out to King Street, scroll to 80.
Run west toward Queen Caroline Street, scroll to 15.
Run east toward Fulham Road, scroll to 77.
80
You arrive on King Street and from a hotel suite above; a fat Portuguese man is still sweeping puke off his balcony and gets a bit of it on you as you pass under. It smells of bitter milk and garlic; his reaction is only laughter. If you groomed yourself earlier, it's ruined now! If not, then carry on and just ignore it; it'll dry up eventually like the bird shit on your shoe. Anyways, the post office is closed, and the only places that are open are:
The OK Chemist, scroll to 86.
The Fascist Pig Bank, scroll to 92.
Zaida's superstore of Boom sticks, scroll to 89.
Otherwise,
Head west toward Queen Caroline Street, scroll to 15.
Head east toward Fulham Road, scroll to 70.
81
In order to gain the dog's full trust of you; you will need to up its Happy Points up to 50. It will follow you wherever you go if its Happy level is upped to that, otherwise, it will remain in your room scared of you. Its level is at 1.
Depending how many times you visited your flat to tend to this mutt- when you give it pet food and items to make it happy to the level of 50, you can safely scroll to 133. When you leave the flat, you walk quickly back out onto Parade Lane:
Will you go west toward Queen Caroline Street? Scroll to 15.
West down Parade Lane? Scroll to 9.
Or call a cab if you know the number to turn to?
82
"Oh, thank you kindly...yes, indeed! I will grant you 1 free cheat of chance but only this once! Don't ask me for any more! Playing God, I am! Heh heh heh heh......what did the sun say to the clouds? My my, aren't we looking gloomy today...?" He stops the laugh abruptly and becomes very serious, "and now off with you; I must meditate and stimulate my chakras. OH ERR!!!!"
Whatever the hell that means, you'd rather not stick around to find out!
Did you buy any tea? If so, he makes you a pot and gets you to drink it; he reads the tea leaves out of the cup for you, scroll to 90.
You can give him 50 quid OR a Flying Majik tapestry, scroll 114.
Otherwise, you step outside to Butterwick and looking over your shoulder at the house; you see that it is vacant now. Whoever he was, he is gone now; you won't be able to see him again should you walk along this way another time; only a taxi ride will get you here. Scroll to 94.
83
Safely you arrive and are immediately greeted at the front gates of the Bellcrest Estate by guards. There's a large sign out front: NO DOGS ALLOWED! If you have a dog with you, you will have to tie it to a pole and leave it there if you plan to enter through the front entrance. They require identification. Scroll to the number indicated on your card. If you happen to be in disguise but do not have an I.D card, perhaps there's a business or secret mission you missed? You'll have to go back and retrace your steps.
Are you in disguise as the janitor? Scroll to 142.
If not, and you just so happen to stop by as yourself. Did you get all the requirements for the electrician? Then you can show them your card with special reference number. Go to it now.
Otherwise, they will close the gates and leave you to stand there poking your pouted lips through the bars. Might as well call a taxi and go somewhere else or take the bus either to Broadway (scroll to 98) or Parade Lane (scroll to 10).
If you'd rather walk: You can stroll around the back (scroll to 106) or leave and head on over to Broadway (scroll to 74)?
84
* Are you banned from this place and have returned? Make a note of this reference and go to 52.
*Returned to rob the place? If this is your first robbery attempt, scroll to 31 to educate yourself first. When you are ready, you can begin the robbery...
If not, you can just buy an item, browse and leave peacefully. WELCOME TO THE CORK & BOTTLE (Clerk health 7) "We moved away from the Parade area due to the annual riots" off-license manager
The liquor place has shelves loaded with bottles and cold fridges full of lager...
Uh oh, if you know Eddie very well, you understand that every time you enter such a haven that you will have to test his willpower! Roll 2 d6, if his current willpower score is equal to or lower then he sighs a breath of relief and buys just one item (unless you are broke then he must LEAVE). If he failed and yielded to his desires then he spends all of your money here whether you want him to or not. Now whether he drinks more than one at this very point is up to you; you can always save the items for later.
Our motto: "If you call the pigs on us; we'll sue your drunken ass!"
MALIBU 1oz 40 QUID (+1drunk)
DRAMBUI 1oz 40 QUID (+1drunk)
MINT VODKA 2oz 60 QUID (+2drunk)
CHERRY TEQUILA 2oz 60 QUID (+2drunk)
RUM-FILLED CHOCOLATES (6 in box) 20 (+1 drunk)
24 oz WHISKEY bottle 400 QUID (+7drunk)
2L WINE plastic bottle 100 QUID (+4drunk)
CHAMPAGNE bottle 800 QUID (+9drunk)
PILSNER 6PACK 120 QUID (+4drunk)
DARK ALE 12PACK 250 QUID (+5drunk)
IMPORTED LAGER 24PACK 200 QUID (+6drunk)
"If you get drunk; it's your own fault; don't let the door hit your ass on the way out!" Return to Hammersmith Grove, scroll to 72.
85
The Broadway taxi cab service stops at your pick-up point. "Where do you need to go? Please, my British friend; I am not a Pakistani robot and I cannot go everywhere like a Hoover! So make your choice now."
Diego Hotel, scroll to 36.
School of etiquettes, scroll to 96.
The horse race track, scroll to 97.
Good Ol' C of E Church, scroll to 57.
Hussein Video Rentals, scroll to 108.
House of the Oracle, scroll to 73.
The blood clinic, scroll to 75.
If you need to re-visit your flat for some reason, scroll to 88.
To Bellcrest Estate, scroll to 83.
86
"Supportive of all your latex & over-the-counter addictive needs-" Kindly reminder to customers: "We are NOT sex shop or liquor malt!" WELCOME TO the O.K Chemist (clerk skill 2)
Test Eddie's willpower only once every time he enters this building, roll 2 d6, if equal to or lower he has overcome his own obsession to get pissed. However, if the result was higher than his willpower score, he has spent enough money to get him at an extra +7 of drunkenness. Scroll to the bottom of this ref. Otherwise if your willpower is just fine then read on.
*You cannot try to rob this place! There are too many police officers in here buying contraceptives...don't risk it... they are keeping an eye on you.
Large gauze bandages (2 health points- 1 use only) 20 QUID
Box of 30 large razor blades (stealthy uncle) 80 QUID
Children's Cartoon Vitamins (+1 sober, -1 drunk, 1 use only) 50 QUID
A bottle of Sleeping Pills (stealthy uncle) 80 QUID
A bottle of out-Uranus remedy pills (-3 drunk, 1 use only) 100 QUID
If he hasn't any money he opened and drank a bunch of items right then and there! Roll 1d6 and compare until the +7 points are achieved. Eddie can always come back later and pay off his debt to the store and remove that nasty Most Wanted point. Otherwise, Add the 1 Most Wanted and leave this building immediately.
If you have money but failed the test of WILLPOWER Below you can roll one die again and compare it to the chart; it will determine for you what items he ended up buying or opening. If he is broke and opened the items; he will be caught stealing the free drinks, and will get thrown out but not banned, but hey, at least he got away scott free with +7 drunk points!
[Roll and compare until the extra +7 are achieved] each item costs 10 QUID.
[Rolled 1-2] 20% rubbing alcohol (+2 DRUNK) 20 QUID
[Rolled 3-4] Squid's Cough Medicine (+1 DRUNK) 10 QUID
[Rolled 5-6] Old Mint Cologne (+1DRUNK) 10 QUID
-Return to King Street, scroll to 80.
87
An Austin mini pulls up alongside the sidewalk, it contains four passengers, one of them being Rottweiler your neighbour. Do you have a dog with you? If so, scroll to 119.
If not, do you owe him any money? Scroll to 107.

Otherwise, they ignore you and drive off; you can freely walk to:
The race track, scroll to 97.
East down the road, scroll to 91.
Towards Queen Caroline Street, scroll to15.
88
If you are on a mission collecting HAPPY POINTS and have 50 or more of them, you may go to the Car Swapping Party down at the park and cash some in? Scroll to 242.
You enter the flat. Richie is still not home and you can hear your neighbour Rottweiler yapping at the top of his voice- some thing to do with a missing dog. If you have his dog and it's an ally now, you can slip in and out of your room with ease dropping off items as you like. To tend to the dog in your room, scroll to 81. If the dog became your enemy the last time you were here, it chases you all the way downstairs where you run into its owner who grabs you and throws you into a nearby wall. Lose 2 health points and run out the front door...scroll to 10.
If you're telling me that you don't own a damn dog, you can come and go as freely as you like! When you leave the flat, you walk quickly back out onto Parade Lane. Will you go west toward Queen Caroline Street (scroll to 15) west down Parade Lane (scroll to 9) or call a cab if you know the number?
89
WELCOME TO Zaida's shop! *No refunds on duds!*
A young woman of luscious Japanese origin dressed in a long green silken gown happily greets you: "konnichiwa; you look like very dangerous sexy man! What can I do for you?" Her eyelashes bat rapidly, her black hair flowing in the wind, her flesh as white as the crescent moon... Playhare's pin-up of the month! Eddie slams a pence on the counter top, leans in at her and "I'll have what everyone else is having...Blow...?"
"Ha ha, very funny mister. Now choose quickly and leave before I knock off your tackle with bazooka!"
"Ooh, feisty! Aren't we, my sweet? Like it rough do ya?"
"Argh, whatever man, whatever! Just pick something and get out, pervert."
*If you try to rob this store, it will blow up!!! Instant death, so don't bother. You cannot use a Cheats of Chance here either seeing that the items are locked behind a case and dangerously rigged.
Chinese Fire crackers 33 QUID (+2 happy) (stealthy uncle)
1 Dynamite stick with useless wick [must buy the Dynamite hand-remote detonator] (+25HAPPY) 500 QUID
1 Dynamite hand-remote detonator (+5HAPPY) 200 QUID
1 stink bomb (+5HAPPY) 100 QUID
1 bottle of bear mace spray (+5HAPPY) 200 QUID
Commando C4 with detonator 10,000 QUID per pound (+1000HAPPY) "Yaaah that's right buddy! You play with fire! It go BIG BOOM!!!!"
Return to 80, when you are done browsing.
90
"Thank you. Now for your reading. I can see by examining your scruffy aura that today is filled with much adventure and untimely disturbances. Do not let your willpower get the best of you, for it is your enemy...oh wait...NO! Scratch that...bug around, my grandmother passed through me at the very moment and gave me the shivers as ghosts always do- oh never mind that granny! I've already got one! It's a bit cold in here don't you think? Anyways, back to your fortune. Just when you thought your willpower has done you in you will be rewarded. There that's what I meant to say. Now go, Grandma says that I have to find my dream dictionary. She wants me to read it to her."
Do you have 10 pounds to spare? You could offer him money and get another exquisite reading? For his greenish brown eyes seem to sparkle like an evil miser upon the thought that you might have more money, scroll to 82.
Or you could offer him 100 pounds OR a flying mahjeek tapestry? Scroll to 114.
Otherwise, you shrug your shoulders, ponder on what he told you and leave his humble home; you step outside to Butterwick- looking over your shoulder at the house; you see that it is vacant now. Whoever he was, he is gone now; you won't be able to visit him again should you pass along this way another time. Make note that you've seen the oracle. Scroll to 94.
91
A serene part of town and it's on Hammersmith Road. Bells are ringing in the distance at the horse tracks; all the way up the road you can here dance music from Barberello's Aerobics Center. Eddie stops a bit and watches the women with their funny underpants that go right up their cracks... "RIGHT UP!!!! THEY RIDE RIGHT UP THERE!" he stands there for a good half hour before a group of women come out of the building wielding metal bars and chase him away. If you've got a tube of SUPERGLUE you can stay an extra 30 minutes longer? and earn 30 HAPPY POINTS!
Continuing on, you see that the fairgrounds are nearby, the cricket fields and rugby grounds are emanating fresh barbeque fragrances. You have a bad feeling about some thing; your gut instinct is creating butterflies in your stomach...again... and it's not just the ladies from Barberello's threatening you this way. It's something else that you can't quite place. The voice of Richie starts up in your mind, "cheesy dip? yeah, I think there's something going around."
Will you walk east, scroll to 102.
If you're in a betting mood, you could try your luck at the race track? Just head west, scroll to 87.
92
*Were you banned from this place and have returned? Shame on you! You cannot defy a bank's neutrality twice in Hammersmith Fake! It's as illegal as going on strike even for a mason! Scroll to 34, you re-offending bastard!
Welcome to the Facist Pig Bank is this your first visit? Enjoy your stand in line, and afterward let one of our great tellers serve you today! "Hello, sir? Hello, sir? Hello, sir? Hello, sir? Hello, sir?"
"Yes, yes, hello!" Eddie replies to the pretty lady wearing a pretty blouse.
"Hello, sir...Hello, sir..."
Currency exchange:
Great Britain Pound (GBP) 1 to Canadian Dollar (CAD) 2
CAD 1 to GBP .5
1£ = 2$ Canadian
50 pence = 1$ Canadian
Scroll to 79 to insanely rob this bank! Who knows? With enough luck and health you just might succeed?
Return to King Street, scroll to 80.
93
A fat woman you recognize as Missus Pew comes into the room. You and three others have been eagerly awaiting her presence. She talks funny, you notice, and find it difficult to understand her accent a bit.
"Velcome all... right, good..." her accent makes you giggle like a little girl. "Today, and vor 1 hour, I vill talk to you about zeh benefits ov dressing up and making merry. Caterers cook vor us vhen we are having party or being lazy. Zhey can vwork in grand hotels, but need food handling experience, vor zhis zhey vill need to get job at a butcher shop."
She clears her throat and holds up a butler's uniform, "here iz a butler's suit. Black ands vhite, like a penguin only taller. Yes? vwhen vwearing zheees identity you can pass off as a butler and enter high vormal places. You can apply vor jobs at grand hotels and get vree stuvv at the green grocers...yes? NO, of course not! It was only joke, so you still have to buy your table set! Remember nothing is vree in life. Okay," she throws that aside and lifts up a white outfit splattered in brown smears. "Vor vew ov you with stupid vitten across your forehead; I tell you zhat zhis is the attire ov a custodian or janitor- vhatever you vant to call zhem. Zheees little outfit is covered in shit and oil...alvays...it vill get you into high secured places but not a bank. Please, visit the Green Grocers and used gift shop. Yes, yes for there are plenty of supplies to choooooze vrom zhere to clean out dirty sewers and push around your equipment in. Got it? Clean the wax from your ears Mister Hitler and pay attention!"
"Oh, bugger off, you ol' bitch!"
She wails out a loud high-pitched laugh to cover up her embarrassment. "Alvays a comedian, he is! Alvways acting like Manning or Benito Mussolini he is!" Now she shows the class YOU by pointing an accusing left index finger. "See him? Everyone? Please, turn in your seats and LOOK at him vor a second, vor he is the third example of costume hour. A ragged, no good vor nothing low-life rrrrright from the shit-holes! He is dressed like your everyday person. A commoner if you vill! Veee call people like him in my country a SLOPPY BASTARD. Vhat good are zhey? Vhat good are SLOPPY BASTARD possessions? NOT GOOD at all! In fact, it is considered as junky as the 1 quid store! GO! YES! OFF WITH YOU to Harry the Bastard and SELL your Sloppy Bastard items now and get rid of all your evil HAPPY POINTS! Do not be like Edvard Elizabeth Hitler or his man-wife Richard Richard!!!! WHY? Because zhey are loooooozers!"
Everyone 'nods' at you and ‘ahs' at you...
As you leave the session thirty minutes in, you can hear her talking about cat burglar disguises being idiotic for a pure blue blood. The receptionist in the lobby hands you a 20 QUID coupon for U Ugly Thing Hair Salon and a free coupon for the Ninja black suit at Ninja Counter Strike. Add +5 happy points, not only did you get her phone number but a date with her too! Return to the lobby of the school, scroll to 96, or just leave the building altogether, scroll to 15.
94
You are in a neighbourhood called Butterwick. There is a large park here. The breeze is gently blowing through the trees. Dog owners are walking their poodles and there is not a whistle-blowing baton-waving copper in sight. South of you, there are a few old high rise apartments, along this road there are houses harbouring lawns adorned with colourful gardens and fountains. Is there anywhere in particular, you would like to explore? Do you know the number to call a cab? You can scroll to this reference now and find a particular house here in the neighbourhood. You can walk up north toward Broadway (scroll to 98) or go west down the alleyway between a motel and shop (scroll to 77).
95
Hopefully you won't get discovered by the cops by exposing yourself like this (if you are wanted that is?). You fill out the application and are told by the boss to round up all of the shopping carts in the parking lot. Roll 2 d6 once. If you got an 8 or less you will only be paid the amount you rolled and plus you will be immediately fired for doing such a bad job. If you rolled 9-12 add a 0 to the amount (9 would become 90 obviously) this was what you were paid for a job well done! You quit, but gain the store boss as an ally who offers you another job should you return again. To return to the grocers to shop or leave, scroll to 56. Jobless, and if he pissed you off; you could always start a fight with your former boss right then and there? Scroll to 66.
96
"No dogs allowed!"
Welcome to the School of ETIQUETTES. We are highly affiliated with royalty! Please do not insult us with your flaws!
You cannot rob this place; there are police hanging around including security bells and a mysterious red phone.
You enter into a large classy hall, and are lead into a lush seating area with golden trimmed chairs and silken wallpaper. Are you here to get a job as the butler? There is a second help wanted sign for butlers: "WELL GROOMED individuals with Butler Course Certificates, Butler suit of their own, a tableware set of their own." If you have all of these skills and are well-groomed from a salon then scroll to 109.
A woman hands you a fancy brochure with the class index that are available, "we will be with you in one moment when you decide what you want to learn, and we've Free tours of Bellcrest Estate. Take a map brochure if you're interested, dear visitor."
Costume Knowledge 101 5 quid, ENTER CLASS 93.
Butler's Classes 101 50 quid, ENTER CLASS 78.
Gentleman's Honour 101 & Table manners 101 for 20 quid (required if you are taking the butler course), ENTER CLASS 155.
Opera Lessons 101 (+8 happy points) 4 quid "Become a tutor, and teach any of our classes!" You must be well-groomed, well-dressed, and well-mannered and KNOW HOW TO DANCE! If you do not have any ballroom experience, then get to soddery!" One look at you, and they begin to laugh out loud. You won't be hired here because apparently Richie was here earlier and ruined your reputation. Wonder what he could have said to make you the laughing stock amongst the upper classes? Oh well, return to Queen Caroline Street, and scroll to 15.
97
"Welcome to Irishman's 3:30 all-betting facility! What are the odds? They could be 10:1 or 1:10...never mind... decide on a stare, bet now, and soon you'll be telling them down the pub you win some, you lose some..." You can bet as much money as you want on any of the horses racing today...
Pick your horse, roll 1d6 for the horse's odds and place you bet. Roll 1 d6 and the result corresponds with whatever horse that won. Example- the horse Flack Jacket is picked. The rolled dice is 5 so the odds of that horse are 1:5. The bet placed is 100£. The dice rolled again is 2; the horse with the number 2 Esperanza, not Flack Jacket which was number 3 so the person who bet lost. Had it been a winner then the payout would be 5x the amount bet. So a bet of 100£ if successful would be 500£ at 1:5 odds.
1 Speedy Gonzalez
2 Esperanza
3 Flack Jacket
4 Madam Swish
5 Dirt Devil
6 Water Biscuit
*the author realizes this is not how real track betting works but is meant for Bottomly Bellcrest purposes only*
Your roll will determine how much you won, IF the horse you betted on won, based on the odds above beside its name. Return to 91.
98
You are on Broadway, and are nearly hit by the passing cars. This area is more dangerous than erectile dysfunction, a sex booth and a copy of Razzle. A bus stop attracts your attention. Your legs and feet are tired of walking and you stomach is grumbling...lose 2 health points until you can find some food to replenish yourself. The bus costs 1 quid to take you to these specific destinations:
Parade Lane, scroll to 88.
Bellcrest Grounds, scroll to 83.
If you'd rather walk to Hammersmith Grove, scroll to 77.
Butterwick, scroll to 94.
Fulham Road, scroll to 70.
Or due east toward the Bellcrest grounds? Scroll to 74.
99
*Are you banned from this place and have returned? Make a note of this reference and go to 52.
*Returned to rob the place? If this is your first robbery attempt, scroll to 31, to educate yourself first. When you are ready, you can begin the robbery... If not, you can just buy an item, browse and leave peacefully. WELCOME TO HARRY'S PAWN SHOP (HARRY health 3)
There are cracked glass counters held together with duct tape in here. Behind them is junk, junk hanging on the walls, and more junk displayed in the middle of the room as if it were brand new. The bullet-proof protective glass with iron grill is missing from the counter. See anything you like? (Fact) did you know that Harry works for Rumble O's? Customer's motto: "You really are a bleedin' bastard!"
Wire cutters 50 QUID (stealthy uncle)
Iron Crowbar 180 QUID (janitor)
World War II revolvers 55 QUID each (no bullets included) (+5 happy per pistol)
Used black ski mask 30 QUID
Drum set 1500 QUID (+150 happy points)
Old Piano with one missing key 2,000 QUID (+200 happy points) Try shoving THIS in your trousers and running off! It'll fit.
*Harry will buy Sloppy Bastard Items and other misc. items from you. Simply deduct 1/2 off its value. So if it's 10 then it is only worth 5. Is he a bastard by doing this to you? Absolutely- If you need an unmarked item evaluated (that you found or lost the price of) you could go down to the antiquity shop, for Harry refuses to do this bit of work for you. Return to Fulham Road, scroll to 70.
100
You are on some odd street or road between Fulham Road, Talgarth Road and Parade Lane. There's a theatre here, low budget cockroach infested housing and Spudgun's flat within the cul-de-sac Chief Mangosuthu Buthelezi. You knock on his door and loiter around for about ten minutes in case he shows up, but obviously doesn't. Wherever the hell the chubby bloke is, you curse him for making you walk all this way for nothing. In the distance, you can hear whistles tooting and fire engines screaming closer in your direction. You trip over a bunch of loose garbage bags and bang your knee into a pile of old bricks probably put there by the street kids just for you! Lose 2 health for this. Will you go: South toward Parade Lane (scroll to 10) or north toward Fulham Road (scroll to 70)?

[Deleted]

101
Just as you step out the door; your heart begins to pound. No one is pursuing you. Excellent! Walking a bit more, you stop and glance over your shoulder... nothing... nobody. Shrugging your shoulders, you happily walk passed the garden beds of purple Prince Williams and blue tulips. The cobbled-stone pulls and lures you through the cool night air. The patrol smile at you as they pass by and their German Sheppards ignore to sniff you. When you reach the front gates with a view of Hammersmith Central on the other side; the two guards ask you for your butler I.D card and open the gates. An alarm rings out in the mansion. The guard stops holding the button that opens the gate. They receive a phone call at the booth and ask you to step back, "sir? There's been a theft, but don't worry when the area is safe again you can leave as freely as you like."
"I want to leave now! I have a mud wrestling show to get too!"
A very tall guard holds his baton under your chin most violently, "He SAID when the area is secured then you can leave! We have strict orders not to let anyone leave the premises!"
Might as well not argue with them. Twiddling your thumbs nervously, you are forced to wait out the alarm. The dogs are heard barking and snarling viciously as if attacking someone to death! There are gunshots ringing out somewhere on the grounds and security guards hollering in French in every direction. You hide in the security booth just as a car crashes into the front gate! A young man comes running out of the darkness from the grounds with something under his arm; he stops in front of the booth and shoots up a storm against three guards. They smash the windows of your hiding place with their replying bullets narrowly missing you by inches! The same car rams the gates once more and breaks them off their hinges. Cop sirens are nearing. The young man leaps over the fallen guards and dives through the back window of the pick-up vehicle. You watch the car back up, spin around and ram right into the cop's barricade!!! Now free, it speeds down into the Shortlands. With your hands raised, you emerge from the wreckage of the booth under the acknowledgement of nervous guns aimed at you. "Bah! It's only their butler!" Say the voice of good and kindly policeman as they come to your relief. "Are you alright, sir?"
The artefact falls out of your coat and clanks on the cement. Do you have any cheats of chance left? If you do, scroll to 298,
Otherwise, scroll to 222.
102
Minding your own business, you realize that the traffic here has died down. You are walking between the rugby grounds and the fairgrounds -both are empty- A chilly breeze sends a shiver up your spine. You could swear that you are being watched...or worse...followed. You are the only person on this road with not a help signal for blocks in either direction. "I hope no one sinister shows up?"
Will you continue on this east path (scroll to 110) cut through the rugby grounds bypassing Rumble O's reclaim-office, and head to the nearest bus station (scroll to 98) or saunter west up the road (scroll to 91)?
103
Eddie no doubt suffers from homophobia. When he threatens the hairdresser, the man shrieks like a crazed woman and faints. In the register, you find 500 quid. You drink a bottle of perm chemicals (ADD +3 drunk) and yank a small monitor most violently from the wall above. HOW much will it sell for? Only an antiquity shop or Harry the Bastard will know for sure. ADD this hairdressing studio to your banned list and the hairdresser to your enemy list. Return to 2.
104
"There's that son of a whore! He owes me 240 quid!"
If you have any lessons from Ninja Counter Strike, this could be your lucky day. You will need the skills of Ninja sod it to scare them off. If you happen to be drunk, it doesn't matter you'll just stagger more (unless you have Drunken master then you appear not a day drunk! Fancy that?)
If you own any firearms, you can use here, but they too have guns. If you happen to know the how-to-use-my-gun skill, then they are no match for you and return to their vehicle under your accurate rain shower of bullets and speed away. So you will have to test your health by rolling 2d6 and put the use of cheats of chance to win or heal your injuries. Roll 2d6, if the amount is equal to or less than your current health you have hit one man out of the four. If the result was higher than Rottweiler got you with a bullet! Lose 4 health points.

Prefer to make due with another other weapon? It's a bit risky since you’re up against muskets here. Then you will need to roll 2d6: 1-3 you've successfully hit one man out of the four and he runs off, 4-5 and one of them hits you with a bullet, lose 4 HEALTH, 6 and they over-power you and take the weapon away from you manually and beat you with it, lose 2 health.

If you're close to death, they'll just beat you up until you pass out. If you lost (your health reduced to 2) they take the 240 quid you apparently owe them or items that equal up to that value. Unless you are completely broke and poor of possessions then they simply beat the be-Jesus out of you until your health is reduced to 2. When you wake up in a puddle of spit and blood, you find that you still have the strength to carry on with your mission. If you won the battle, great job! They respect the hell out of you and you can remove Rottweiler off of your enemy list but he is far from an ally. Now head south toward Hammersmith Central and then on to Bellcrest Lane (scroll to 74) or walk east toward upper Bellcrest Lane (scroll to 106)?
105
The owner lets out a bellowing laugh, heh, he is not afraid of you or your threats. "You should have known not to rob a pet store on Masthethanam Parade!" He shouts, "those who hurt the well being of animals hurt Fred's well being..."
"Fred? Who's Fred?"
"Drop Dead Fred! Who else?"
A warm gust of air blows against the back of your neck. Turning around slowly, like an actor in a horror movie ready to see something ghastly, you stare your fate right in the snout. A large turquoise dragon...like those seen on Chinese restaurant zodiac menus is gazing down at you. A few pedestrians who happen to be passing by are the only witnesses to screaming and running at the sight of Fred gulping down his next meal. The last thing you hear is the laughter of the owner.

Oh dear, you have died, and your epic quest for fortune and booze has ended.
106
You are on Upper Bellcrest Lane. A ten-foot wall surrounds the estate preventing you from taking a quick glance of the grounds. You've heard of tours that are regular this time of season in it, but have never given it much thought until now. With the electric barbed wire running along the top of the wall, you won't be able to grab a ladder and climb over that easily. You will have to devise a clever plan to fool this security system. Do you have all of the items necessary to pass off as a janitor? If you went to the School of Etiquettes and Auto & Sounds, they would have been more than happy to teach you about such disguises and items required. The main entrance would be your first choice.
If you'd rather try the old-fashioned way with what skills and items you own...you make your way merrily to the gates (the main entrance), scroll to 83.
Changed your mind then have you deary? No problem; you decide to build your repertoire first and walk briskly over to East Hammersmith Road instead, scroll to 102.
107
"There's that son of a whore! He owes me 240 quid!"
If you have any lessons from Ninja Counter Strike, this could be your lucky day. You will need the skills of Ninja sod it to scare them off. If you happen to be drunk, it doesn't matter you'll just stagger more (unless you have Drunken master then you appear not a day drunk! Fancy that?)
If you own any firearms, you can use here, but they too have guns. If you happen to know the how-to-use-my-gun skill, then they are no match for you and return to their vehicle under your accurate rain shower of bullets and speed away. So you will have to test your health by rolling 2d6 and put the use of cheats of chance to win or heal your injuries. Roll 2d6, if the amount is equal to or less than your current health you have hit one man out of the four. If the result was higher than Rottweiler got you with a bullet! Lose 4 health points.

Prefer to make due with another other weapon? It's a bit risky since you’re up against muskets here. Then you will need to roll 2d6: 1-3 you've successfully hit one man out of the four and he runs off, 4-5 and one of them hits you with a bullet, lose 4 HEALTH, 6 and they over-power you and take the weapon away from you manually and beat you with it, lose 2 health.

If you're close to death, they'll just beat you up until you pass out. If you lost (your health reduced to 2) they take the 240 quid you apparently owe them or items that equal up to that value. Unless you are completely broke and poor of possessions then they simply beat the be-Jesus out of you until your health is reduced to 2. When you wake up in a puddle of spit and blood, you find that you still have the strength to carry on with your mission. If you won the battle, great job! They respect the hell out of you and you can remove Rottweiler off of your enemy list but he is no ally.
Now head to the race track, scroll to 97.
Go toward Queen Caroline Street, scroll to 15.
East down Hammersmith Road, scroll to 102.
108
*Are you banned from this place and have returned? Make a note of this reference and go to 52.
*Here to rob the place? If this is your first robbery attempt, scroll to 31 to educate yourself in thievery. When you are ready, you can begin the robbery... If not, you can just buy an item, browse and leave peacefully
Hussein & Hassan Videos! A place to get movies from Bollywood and Hollywood; all of them illegal duplicates but if you can watch counterfeit for cheaper than the real thing and save ten quid extra from the movie theaters then buy from here forever. Unfortunately for their temper, they seriously dislike you for some reason and usually send you in a section of the store having crap VHS:
Welcome to Hussein video store clerks (Hassan & Hussein health 12) Our motto to everyone especially ‘Chopper' Hitler: "We are watching you; you not steal from here! white-trash spaniel cocker!
Hussein says "and please do not complain about our menu!"
Big Jugs! 150 BRITISH CURRENCY (+3 happy)
Furry Family Fun in the Bucket Tree 130 BRITISH CURRENCY (+2 happy)
Swedish Lesbians Devouring Jam 150 BRITISH CURRENCY (+3 happy)
Deep Throat 150 BRITISH CURRENCY (+3 happy)
Snogging with Mister & Missus Birdcage 130 (+2 happy)
The Young Ones lost episode: Neil's Spiel! *free*
"RENT" a VCR 350 BRITISH CURRENCY (+12 happy points)

Step outside to East Parade Lane, scroll to 9.
109
You fill out the application. The ladies complain about not being able to read your chicken scratch handwriting! If you have the butler certificates, the outfit and the tableware set they lead you away into a room.
Scroll to 118.
If you are lacking any of the butler requirements, you must leave the school and return to Queen Caroline Street, hopefully if you're still interested in this job; you can get the items and the experience necessary to get hired and come back to re-apply. Return to Queen Caroline Street, scroll to 15.
110
A car horn honks behind you; someone is trying to get your attention. A small rusty Austin mini that has seen better days pulls up along side the sidewalk. There are four hefty men sitting within it, so much so; the vehicle's wheels are compressing more than they should. You recognize one of the passengers...Rottweiler.
Do you have a dog with you? If so, scroll to 119.
Do you owe him money? Scroll to 104.
If not, he suspiciously glares at you and gestures the driver to edge along down the road. You can continue on your way. Hammersmith Central sits south down the road. You can head in this direction, and then on to Bellcrest lane? Scroll to 74. Or you can continue walking straight east, scroll to 106.
111
You and Hedgehog lounge on his sofa for a few hours. He produces a flat of 24 Heineken, a pack of tobacco and a greasy snack of fish n chips. This is the only place you can get as drunk as much as you want and none of your levels will go up or decline. You both play a short game of darts, watch a three hour long documentary on Scottish composers, and discuss a scheme of ‘how' you will pay back Richie for making your lives miserable.
"Make him watch The Hogan Family...destroy him intellectually with American tele!"
"I highly doubt that, Dave; he would enjoy that too much...hot 16 year old daughter... blonde...wrestler... her father sun-oiling her bottom up-" he pauses for a moment then snaps out of it. "No, I was thinking on a more physical level."
"-house work!"
"He already does that, and he irons my underwear behind my back."
"What a bastard!"
"And worse yet-" You check your wrist watch and see that it is five pm! You are running late now, and will have to get to Bellcrest estate before the 7PM auction starts.
"Eddie, hang on; do you know much about cat burglary? You'll have to buy Stealth Burglary Lessons, Wire cutters, Cinderella Glass Dolly, marble statuette. I wish I could remember the rest of it. I suppose it really doesn't matter what else you buy to protect yourself. You can sneak in ‘round the back or get a butler disguise! My mum used to work as a butler because she was a skin-head. She looked and sounded like a man. It fooled everyone."
"Hedgehog, HOW do you know all this?"
"Spudgun and I tried to break into her place once- they had BIG dogs. Rich folk ALWAYS have dogs- usually bloodhounds."
"No, I mean, HOW do you know all there is to cat burglary?"
"Oh, I used to work for the C.I.D..."
You remember to write all of this down and leave out the front door; the police are long gone, if you were most wanted, you can take one point off your list now. You walk on over to Queen Caroline Street, scroll to 15.
112
There's chitter chatter amongst the crowds. You examine memorabilia and relics now passed their prime. Vases from China and furniture from the Brontë era vaguely enchant you; it's the shackles and torture devices from the Tower that intrigue you. You can picture Richie pissing his pants in the iron maiden as you threaten to close it; he's crying for you to ‘stop!' while you stretch him out an inch or four on the rack, or reduce his man-hood with a toe grinder...ahh, if only? but unfortunately these items are for display-only and are not for retail. There's a crowd gathered farther down the lawn, a man is standing amongst heavily armed guards. You walk over and listen in to a young man with black hair speak, "...carved of diamond; she is a statuette of dazzling proportions! Standing a foot high and a couple of inches wide. she is wearing a sari and hugs herself with bare arms gently; as if to protect her breasts from the breezes of the night OR to show that she is timid and delicate creature of nature."
He holds up the statue, it is as clear as crystal and catches the rays of the sunlight. The viewers 'woo' at it. "Much like the statue of Liberty and her watchful eye over New York, this statuette of Grace appears to caress her huge chest..."
Silence...
"-watching up at the sky, hoping for a star to fall..."
His final reply is appraisal.
"Indeed, she is for sale to collectors, but only at the Bellcrest auction, held annually. All of the seats have been taken. Yes, unfortunately, will be a very popular event this evening at Bellcrest. My apologies, since the statuette of grace is rare, one of a kind I am afraid she is only a show-piece HERE at the antiques road show. Do not attempt to make any sudden moves around her while she is on display, do not touch her, talk to her or stare at her for too long or the guards will become upset and shoot you."
Interesting- now you are sure that it could be the artefact mentioned in the newspapers and rumoured at pubs; you have seen it first hand. Nonetheless, IT IS a work of art! You could steal it and make a living off it in the Bahamas! Trying not to draw attention to yourself, you exit this place and return to the store. Scroll to 120.
113
Guards stop you from getting any closer to the door. Whistling and pretending to admire the architecture of the grand room, you spin around on your heel and walk back over to the pillars. Will you head out in the hallway where you saw the two staircases (scroll to 150) return to the kitchen (scroll to 117) stroll across the floor to a door far opposite you...it looks like a rear door (scroll to 158)?
114
"All praises to Saint Jade and Raja the sun goddess! How did you get so much wealth? Did you rob a bank or a bunch of seniors to get it? Okay, let's forget I said that. It matters NOT how you got it. I will grant you a get-out-of-Most-Wanted-trouble card or a Cheat of Chance. Pick one only please! If you happen to turn into a hardy criminal and rack up your Most Wanted levels, I don't want to see you on TV over it, for it will remove ALL 3 points and put you back to 0 again. Use the magical card and get on with your life it's that simple. If you're in a bind that does not involve Most Wanted then you might want the Cheat of Chance? It's up to you, oh and here's the phone number to the Magical Incense Peppermint taxi service. Yes, my cousin owns the company. He's Pakistani descended while I'm Turkish and Mongolian background, so that doesn't really make any sense does it? but here's the number anyway it's #85 and you can call it from any destination if you are too lazy to walk. Now, off with you great star; I have to weave these seven hundred and seventy seven golden threads into my red wizard robe. Try saying THAT fast four times... red wizard robe red wizard robe red wizard robe..."
Did you buy any tea? If so, he prepares a cup for you, gets you to drink it all and reads the leaves at the bottom of the cup, scroll to 90.
You rise while shrugging your shoulders and return to Butterwick. When you step outside, you notice that the curtains and neon sign that was once there is now disappeared. Well, whoever he was. He's gone now, you cannot visit with him a second time should you happen in this area again. Make a note that you've seen the oracle. Scroll to 94.
115
You will be working alongside three other caterers. All of you have brought your own cooking sets. One of them lends you a white uniform and hat. For a time, you slave over food preparation and baking of sweets. How tasty the delicacies turned out or not, doesn't matter to you because you won't be eating it. During the preparation, if you had any pills from the drug store you could add these to the mixtures. A good stealthy way to go undetected, and no doubt very clever thinking; you can add any kind of ingredients to the food to remove it off your list to free up room.
When the meals are ready one of the young lads, sporting blue hair and called Jiggyjam, offers to give you a lift in the Diego Catering Services van. You accept and load all of the food into the back.
Together, you leave from Diego hotel and take the Queen Caroline, Hammersmith Road and Upper Bellcrest Lane routes. He quickly hands you a card, "take this; they won't let you in without it." It's a white card with the Diego Catering title on it. There's a few spelling mistakes and your assumed name is written on the bottom in crude biro. Scroll to 159.
116
"Make sure to visit the pet shop! And check out the Antiquity Shop, they have a rare gem-studded dog collar." Thankfully the pound is open now. As you walk in with the dog she is greeted by the workers there and given home-cooked dog treats. She runs into the area where they keep the cats and knocks over a bunch of cages. If you give her up for adoption here, they will pay you 300 quid. Otherwise, you could get Dr. Wildsmouth to look at her (and you) for 3 quid? Scroll to 165.
They will baby sit her for 10 quid in an overnight kennel. Whatever you decide upon whether she stays here or goes with you; you must return to Parade Lane, scroll to 9.
117
*If you were banned from the kitchen and have returned and regardless if you have any left or not, you can use up 1 Cheat of Chance and read on... Otherwise, you get a swift beating worse than a swift good effing with cast iron frying pans, scroll to 126.
The caterers are busy preparing the tables for their roll-out into the multi-purpose room. The chefs don't pay any attention to you. Eddie has just spotted bottles of red wine set up for display on a trolley. Test his willpower by rolling 2d6, if equal to or less than his current willpower, he sighs a breath of relief and leaves the kitchen (or stay if you came in here for a good reason). You can help them out if you are in disguise as the caterer? Scroll to 233.
Are you in disguise as the butler? Scroll to 215.
If the results were higher than his WILLPOWER, he pops the corks off of three bottles and downs them quickly before he is tackled to the floor by the staff! this act of hostility toward the refreshments gets you BANNED from the kitchen! Raise your drunken levels by +4, scroll to 150.
118
Whether you have a driver license or not, a black Royce sits in the parking lot reflecting your face on its varnish; it has your name on it. Today is sunny and chirpy... ah, the life of the rich and lazy...
"Mister Hitler, this is your I.D card #204 should you apply for the job at Bellcrest; they will not let you in without it."
You are handed a ring of keys:
Happlegrognite #132
Orbis Unum #171
Figglesbee #160
Holmeszip #145

The head mistress of the school gives you a list:
• Clean the dining room, for the ashes from the fireplace have riddled the carpeting
• keep replacing all towels in the upstairs bathroom; Missus Bellcrest has an obsessive compulsive disorder
• Make sure the caterers don't put unlawful items into the food
• Call for an electrician and a janitor; the electrical and sewer units are broken again
• DO NOT enter the second door salon on the northern 2nd floor; it is haunted... you were warned
• Bring Mister Bellcrest his coffee and sour biscuits, and remember to empty his bedpan and avoid vodka
• Set the table in the dining room and impress Mister Bellcrest's son
"Bloody hell! I thought I was the butler NOT the maid or wet nurse?!"
"Goodness, gracious! For that attitude you can START by going to Diego Hotel and gaining more experience of yourself! Now goodbye Mister Hitler and God speed..." You get into the Rolls and drive away from the school, giving the old bird an insulting British salute out the window, you crash over a bunch of shrubs and run over a bicyclist. You must drive straight to the Diego hotel for extra dough. Upon arriving, they confiscate your vehicle and don't give it back! scroll to 200.
119
The dog growls at its former owner. If you have any meat or pet items with you, the dog will attack Rottweiler and chase him back into the vehicle. All you can do is stand there and laugh at the merriment; Rottweiler will leave you alone while sobbing about Gypsy...Gypsy... You no longer owe him money, but he is still your enemy- and well at least you know the dog's name? No one will bother you with her by your side (maybe). You arrive at Bellcrest for a quick look-about the place, scroll to 83.
120
*Are you banned from this place and have returned? Make a note of this reference and go to 52.
*Returned to rob the place? If this is your first robbery attempt, scroll to 31 to educate yourself first. When you are ready, you can begin the robbery...
If not, you can just buy an item, browse and leave peacefully. Welcome to the ANTIQUE SHOP (clerk health 4)
Our motto: "Diamonds are as worthless as moon rocks." There are a lot of collector's items here that Eddie wouldn't mind owning one day, if he can afford it:
Elizabethan embroidered corset (+100 HAPPY) 1,000 QUID
Renaissance Iron Mask 150 QUID
Napoleon wine set 4,000 QUID (+19 DRUNK)
Cujo's 1950s bloody muzzle 400 (+20 HAPPY for a pet)
A deceased Paris Hilton's zodiac-studded dog leash 3,000 QUID (+50 HAPPY for a pet)
Shoes from Henry Fielding's 18 century novel 500 QUID (+25 HAPPY for a pet)
Victorian Butler costume 200 QUID (stealthy uncle)
King George V pinky ring, sapphire encrusted 600 QUID (+6 HAPPY)
1980s Classic Custodian costume 100 (stealthy uncle)
Elvis autographed photo 200 QUID (+10 HAPPY)
"Do you have an unmarked item that you found somewhere that needs appraisal? You've come to the right place! Just roll 2d6 and add a 0 to the results, and mark it off your list, or keep it knowing it has value, but we'd prefer you sell it to us!"
"We will buy an unmarked antique cigar box from you for 100 pounds; with cigars in it, 150 pounds."
There's an antique road show in the back on the greens, you can go and see what the fuss is about? Scroll to 112.

Return to 9 on Parade Lane East.
121
You are in the multi-purpose room. The room is overly elegant with 17 white pillars holding up the ceiling. Today, the floor has rows of chairs instead of a row of waltzing dancers. There's a crystal chandelier hanging high above and a balcony.
Casually, you could head across this room and investigate a heavily guarded closed door, scroll to 136.
Stroll across to a plain door, scroll to 158.
Return to the kitchen, scroll to 117.
Head back into the hallway where you saw the two marble staircases, scroll to 150.
122
You fill out the application using false information. If you have work experience handling meats, the catering set and baker's set they shove passed all the other men who came unprepared. You and one other young man have come prepared and are lead away into a kitchen. Scroll to 115.
If you are lacking any of the catering requirements, you must leave the hotel and return to Queen Caroline Street, hopefully if you're still interested in this job; you can get the items and experience necessary to get hired and come back to re-apply.

Return to Queen Caroline Street, scroll to 15.
123
An attractive young woman, saucy bitch, wrapped in a blue fuzzy towel is curling her long red hair in front of a mirror with an old-fashioned Victorian iron; she reminds you of one Sharon Tate and how she looked in the 60's movie 'Pardon Me but Your Teeth are in my Neck!' Yet upon your arrival she orders you to get out before she rings for the butler and terrorizes you with the threat that she will scream very loud! Are you in disguise as the butler? Scroll to 143. Unless, not wanting to cause alarm, you apologize and slip back out the door. Scroll to 158.
124
The room you have entered in has a blood red theme with velvet wallpaper. The chandelier brightens the room. The curtains are closed. In the centre of the dining room is a rectangular table with ten chairs arranged around it. A group of men smoking cigars stop their idle gossip and gaze at you apprehensively. I don't think you're supposed to be in this room that's why it's off-limits to the public. What are you going to say? By using a Cheat of Chance in this situation and you can leave immediately without any of them caring another second, scroll to 134.
Are you disguised as the butler? Scroll to 148.
Otherwise, try to talk your way out of it with a few well-placed words:
"Oops, forgive thee intrusion; I was looking for the lavvy. Have you seen my Porsche?" Scroll to 138.
Slap your forehead and laugh hysterically to yourself, "Bollocks! I do this every time! I'm looking for the kitchen one moment and end up in the basement. When I'm looking for the front door and end up in here. I have a bad case of schizophrenia some times you know? Anyways, never mind all that nonsense now; I'm the electrician who heard you had a backed-up toilet?" Scroll to 190.
Threaten them, scroll to 156.
125
The guest room spares no expense. There's a four posted bed in here, and a separate sitting room snug, saloon or the LOUNGE. Whatever you call it. Double stained-glass doors across the room show green foliage and potted flowers beyond. You can search the guest room, scroll to 139. Go to the green room, scroll to 170. Leave the guest room, scroll to 158.
126
When you wake, you are in a hospital bed in the emergency with a bandage on your head. A hospital on Sheppard's Bush Road, as quickly as possible, you leave out the exit doors before the doctor arrives. Subtract 2 health points due to the light beating you received; if you had any money on you, it is all gone now. If you had valuables in your possession, deduct 4 of them. Mercilessly robbed you were, you are now aware that walking to Bellcrest Lane will only get you into trouble with the street gangs in that area. You must take a cab or bus next time to avoid conflict.
How you arrived at the hospital is your own business; you just know not to do that feat next time around now that you were granted a second chance instead of starting from 1. You are standing in an alleyway between the hospital and the Scotland Yard police department. Will you walk in the direction of Hammersmith Road (scroll to 91) walk in the direction of Sheppard's Bush Road (scroll to 67) or you could follow the back alleyway toward Fulham Road (scroll to 70)?
127
The bellowing of bids is emanating from the multi-purpose room. The chairs are filled with bottoms; the aroma of the stinky catering service fills your nostrils. The food smells a little off tonight, whoever cooked it must have been a raw recruit or some thing; it's enough to make you want to gag. The auction is under-way with or without you. The foyer is no longer your own, it is getting busy with visitors.
Are you under the disguise of:
The caterer? Scroll to 235.
The butler? Scroll to 264.
The janitor? Scroll to 295.
As yourself? Scroll to 279.
128
Using the heel of your palm just as instructed to, a door made to look like a panel pops open. Quickly, you creep inside and flick on the light bulb. The narrow room is old and dusty. Very, very dusty! You are uncomfortably cushioned by wooden shelves. On them are old vials and jars filled with decade old ingredients. There are spell books and herbal texts. Why the old man told you about this room you will never know? "Blimey, LOOK what I just found?" He opens a jar of pickled onions and eats them, add 3 health points. "They don't taste like chicken breasts?" While Eddie double checks the grimy label again; you can choose to take with you ONE of the four objects available:
A glass bottle of Chloroform
A vial of salmonella
A vial labelled hydrochloric acid
A vial of Cyanide
Pick one of these that interests you, and return to the balcony ready to make your next move, scroll to 199.
129
He shows a great degree of disgust upon receiving your question, "indeed! It too is mine! It's been in my family for hundreds of generations. It was carved in India for my wife you know! The bidding, I hear is rigged so that a few oil princes from Kuwait will win it. Supposedly they will be under disguise as two Mongolians, dirty buggers!"
"Interesting-"
"I overheard the conversation across the room. My son, talking on the phone, crazy bugger he is!" he slaps the blankets and stirs up a puff of dust in anger. You both cough and fan a hand in the air.
"What does it look like and where is it kept?" You ask.
"Downstairs. The bloody thing is downstairs in the room of hell. MY former trophy room! It is a diamond statuette of a Hindu Goddess NOT a bloody Greek goddess as they say she is...stupid fools. Apparently, my son owes the Arabs a lot of money, so he has given them the statue...OH I DON’T KNOW! There could be more to this damned story! He doesn't tell me anything any more! Look at my room for Pete's sake! I am 102 years old and have been confined to this damned bed!" he hits the blanket again sending up a huge cloud of grey dust and puffy lint balls... "If only someone would grow some balls and steal the bloody thing before it's auctioned off! Teach my son a lesson!" He looks up at you with hopeful eyes, "you? What about you? You could do this! You're young?"
You kinda or sorta nod...wondering what he's getting at; he catches on quickly to the doubt-
"Don't worry I'm rich! If you destroy my son's reputation; retrieve the Hindu Goddess for me before the Arabs get their greasy hands on her, I promise to write you in my will. You can have more than what that damn statue is worth...if not, then you might as well-"
"Fret not oui mon general! Eddie to the rescue! if wrecking a spoiled brat's status is all I have to do then you needn't look any farther than the Hitler Family.”
"Hmmm... any relation?"
"Well- I've got a mother?"
"What?! Bah, never mind. I meant any relation to the Nazi evil Atheist dictator?"
Eddie smiles a big toothy smile, "yep, that be her!"
His bushy eyebrows lower a second in great disorientation, grins and shrugs his shoulders. He is a happy old bugger now, and apparently, he believes that you are only joking when you say that. He reaches into the drawer of his dusty side table and gives you a bottle of sleeping pills. "Put that noisy riff raff downstairs out of their misery so an old man can rest in his bed in peace. There have been parties every night for several years! I simply cannot take any more of it!"
You rise and put the bottle of pills in your pocket.
"Give me your name, young man?"
You give him your real name, and he tells you in reply that there is a secret room where the balcony is. The one, you understand that is over looking the multi-purpose room. When you get there, bump the wall with the heel of your palm to find the hidden door and simply scroll to #128.
Add Mister Bellcrest as your ally.
"Ah, thanks. One more thing" you ask, "What exactly does your son look like?"
There's no answer, only lengthened snores. Not wanting to cause any more disturbances, you set out of his room quietly and return up the hall. Scroll to 191.
130
Before the guests start arriving; you can explore the Bellcrest place. There's a map on the wall next to a fire extinguisher but it is torn to shreds and crudely taped backed together again forming a nasty jig-saw puzzle.
Casually acting as innocent as a honing dove, you could head across the multi-purpose room and investigate a heavily guarded closed door, scroll to 113.
Stroll across to a plain door, which looks like a back entrance, scroll to 158.
Return to the kitchen, scroll to 117.
Head back into the grand foyer where you saw the two marble staircases, scroll to 150.
131
You hand him the pink love letter; he takes it slowly and puts on his round spectacles. It takes a long time for him to read and analyze what is written, "and what is this?"
"Ah, now THAT is a love letter to the woman staying in the guest room."
"Yes, I can see it's a love letter!!! My son however is already married to another?"
"I find it interesting too that he so happened to give her the key to this room WHICH I found no doubt."
"We've got a Sherlock Holmes here have we?" he laughs to himself dryly, "it is not in my hand, and I did not even know there was a guest room in my house."
"It's probably a new extension?"
"I haven't been downstairs in years!" he throws the letter at his feet, "My son is a demon. Do you not think that if he had a mistress he could very well GO to her instead? The key, which I am thankful you found before the she-devil did, was probably my death sentence. They've been wanting me dead for ages." he coughs out a wisp of dust. "That letter is false, but I will keep it; it may prove useful one day in court. My lover, although long passed on, will always remain close to my heart and soul better than any other in this world. How I ended up with such an offspring who has such an unbiased attitude as that which I've just read, I will never understand!"
Will you ask him about the mysterious artefact (scroll to 129) or bid him goodbye and leave the room (scroll to 191)?
132
The hunch served you correctly, t'was a good idea to decide to read a book while standing at the locked door, for a little rusty key falls out. Or you got your key from elsewhere...? You quickly place it in the lock to see if it's the correct one and the door opens. It's dark and gloomy in the room. There are dense cobwebs across the walls, drooping off the vaulted ceiling and sprawled across every dark corner. The boxy medieval bed is barely visible behind the rotten curtains. The butler and maids deserve to be fired for neglecting this room!
"What business have you for disturbing my slumber?" a man's voice asks of you. It is scratchy and weak. Someone is sitting in the bed underneath the fur blankets.
Are you in disguise as the butler? If so, scroll to 146.
Otherwise, he asks you to come forward; "closer...closer..." and you abide but hesitantly- "OH don't be afraid! PISH POSH! I'm not a bloody ghost yet!"
Do you want to talk with him? Scroll to 173.
Threaten him, scroll to 137.
Leave the room and return to the hall, scroll to 191.
133
It wags its tail rapidly at you every time you come through the door. You can pet her now. If only you paid more attention to Rottweiler when he was yelling at her. The bastard! You don't know the dog's name. Now it's just the two of you. You can let her follow you all over Hammersmith, BUT you will need a dog leash (or she will run away the moment you leave this building!) if you plan to take her outside will you take her down to the dog pound? Scroll to 116.
Give her back to Rottweiler and hope you'll get a reward? Scroll to 157.
Leave the dog be inside your room for now? you don't have time to look after her. Let her roam freely within the flat until your safe return. Hopefully Richie will come home early and feed it for you? Heh heh.
134
You are in the southern hall. There are large oil paintings of Lords and Ladies, young and old staring back at you, frozen in their own time and unable to whisper a single word to you thankfully. West of this hall are double maple doors, closed off to the public; the north hallway arches west-north which opens into the foyer of the house with two marble staircases. East of the hall you are in is a glass door with a view of the back yard, two doors to the multi-purpose room are in view; there's a red wood door with a brass plaque on it reading: Orbis Unum. Will you try the Orbis Unum door? Scroll to 171.
Do you want to go into the multi-purpose room? Scroll to 121.
Leave this wing and join the other hallway bending due west-north and leading into the foyer? Scroll to 150.
Try to open the double doors that are closed off to the public? Scroll to 153.
Go to the glass door at the end of the hall? Scroll to 158.
135
*Are you banned from this place and have returned? Make a note of this reference and go to 52.
*Returned to rob the place? If this is your first robbery attempt, scroll to 31 to educate yourself first. When you are ready, you can begin the robbery... If not, you can just buy an item, browse and leave peacefully.
Welcome to Fish N Chips! (Clerk Butcher health 5)
"We will be moving to Parade Lane soon due to the monthly felonies on Hammersmith Grove. Have a hot date you want to impress? We have an all-nighter sushi bar! 2 can munch for 40 quid."
Their seafood is freshly displayed on ice boxes, within large tanks and on the menu; there's a restaurant in here too, so if you're hungry go eat. Bon appetite!
Whole Octopus (+20 happy for pets, +6 health points for humans) 500 QUID
1 Squid for a quid (1 health, pet)
Pre-frozen Halibut steak (+3 happy for pets, +2 health for humans) 210 QUID
Salty Sardine Pet Treats (+2 happy for pets, +1 health for humans) 30 QUID
Can of dried worms (1 health for pets or humans) 130 QUID
*Buy 3 cans of Dried Worms and get 1 salty sardine pet treats for free!*
Fish N Chips closing-out sale in the gift shop:
Grappling Hook 150 QUID
Fish net 150 QUID
Fishing rod 150 QUID
*Buy the fishing net and fishing rod and get a can of dried worms for free!*
*Buy a Whole Octopus and get a 200 pound coupon to the Meat Shop for free!"
Scroll to 72 and make your return to Hammersmith Grove.
136
Are you in disguise as the butler? Scroll to 224.
If not, scroll to 113.
137
He shakes his head at you "Wretched nincompoop! I'm 102 years old! What fancy do you get out of threatening an old man who can barely get out of his own bed?" Depending if this makes you feel remorseful or not, you ask him about the artefact.
"Artefact?" He blows air out through pursed lips hard enough that his fluffy moustache wiggles, "what would you want with such a thing! Ask my devil of a son...wherever he is! He's probably the one hosting the damned auction for all I know? OH! Go and ask him why don't you? With the way you came barging into my room, you'd both make a perfect pair!"
Well! With that attitude, you could always apologize, and decide to sit with him and have a humane conversation? You ask him to describe the artefact. Scroll to 129. Otherwise, you can simply ignore him, and leave the room; he poses no threat to you as you can see. Scroll to 191.
138
Have you been in this room before and returned to it for a particular reason? Scroll to 188.
If this is your first time, read on...
A younger gentleman with black hair and stare who was standing by the fireplace strides in your direction and closes the door behind you. "...you look familiar; we're you by any chance in court last week for charges of indecent exposure in a public place? I think it was a swimming pool?" He speaks with a French accent.
"That was Richie. My flat mate."
He doesn't seem too enthused by your reply, but is looking into your eyes as if he is being serious about it; you can see the teeth behind his bony checks clenching. He relaxes and takes your word for it, "Do you know that you are intruding?"
You shrug you shoulders and try to leave, but he grabs you by the back of the neck and shoves you face-first into the dining room table, chairs not spared. Lose 2 health points. Hopefully he didn't kill you with this stunt. "Now GET OUT you little twit!" he shouts while the other men laugh at the recklessness. You can leave quietly and return to the southern hall (scroll to 134) or threaten them with a weapon (if you have an item to use as one) (scroll to 156)?

139
Were you already in this room earlier? If you have been, scroll to 123.
Looking through drawers and end tables you find a metal key with the initials V.B inscribed in calligraphy and a number #193 on it; a suitcase is under the bed you discover filled with woman's clothing and a box of rum-filled chocolates (+1 drunk), might as well add it now Eddie won't wait for you to roll the dice and test his willpower. He also finds a pink envelope on the green pillow, while eating the bonbons he sits on the edge to read it:

Dearest sweet love!
How I despised every waking day without your caress! Now you are here, and I am only a walk away! I couldn't stop thinking about you while I touched my genitals. I had to read Withering Heights countless times just to see your face. I had to watch 9 ½ Weeks starring Kim Basinger just to learn what things I could do to you. I've worn women's underwear just to be like you.

"Ah! And he had to go and ruin it with that? Sexist bastard!!!" Eddie exclaims and laughs.

letter continued...
Tonight, my worshipped hotbox; the auction will take place without my presence. Soon I will be inside you and you me. I'll be inside your arms and loving embrace that is what I meant to write. The key to my room is hidden in the library within the book entitled Happlegrognite, find it and sneak up after seven pm at your hastiest convenience and we shall have it off, have it off, have it off, have it off, have it off, have it off and have it off some more... treasured love goddess!
Yours truly and ever-faithful servant,
Victor Nathaniel Bellcrest.

A shower in one of the rooms' turns on, someone is here, yet not aware of you! Put the key in your pocket and the love letter as well. Will you investigate the green room (scroll to 170) or leave the guest room immediately (scroll to 158)?

[Deleted]

140
The hallway opens at a three-way junction. In the dark, you can make out a few doors: one of the eastern rooms appears to be a bathroom, for you can hear water running from a squeaky tap. You decide to investigate this if you haven't before, and are startled by a tall young woman; her hair is black and piled on top of her head in very plain fashion. She is rinsing off her hands in the sink. Are you in disguise as the butler (scroll to 213) if not, you could try to speak with her (scroll to 186)?

You can also leave unnoticed and roam around in the darkness like a creature of the night and Head west toward two doors (scroll to 217) head into a corner of the junction (scroll to 203) or go back down the northern hallway (scroll to 191)?
141
Okay dokay, this is a dead end reference. Eddie stares blankly at you, the reader, for the moment as if he can see you the whole time! "Oh, I've got it, raise your hand if you want to see me stick a dart in my temple?" He looks closer at you with squinty eyes even removes his spectacles for a second just to make sure he's seeing you well enough. "Jesus, mate, you're wearing that?" he shakes his face and pretends not to look at at you anymore. "Ah, I see."
He steps back. "I can't be sure exactly as to what your reply was thanks to this STIFF-ONE of Drambuie and Absinthe. So here goes-" He lifts up a dart and pokes the tip deep into his the side of his forehead. With a grimace of pain and a bit of a stagger, he kneels down onto one knee, flings out his arms and smiles gleefully. "Margaret Thatcher? Eat your heart out!"
142
Taking your supplies through, no one bothers to help you. Looking over your shoulder at the guards, you notice that they are watching you intently and making jokes about your status. Haw! Haw! Haw! Haw! Haw! let ‘em all laugh! They'll all soon pay once you get your hands on the artefact right from under their noses! In the centre of the mile long driveway, you discover a man hole. If you had a crowbar or something else you might be able to use in your inventory, you could pry open the lid and slip in to the sewers? Scroll to 210. Otherwise, you will have to make way to the front door. The dogs are running in your direction. Scroll to 216.
143
"Hello, your ma'aaaaaaam....?" ma'am was wriggled around in your throat so much so that you sound like a goat.
"OOOH!" She turns to face you, "you poor sweetheart!" She is French, her accent betrays her beauty. "oh! How your eyes look so very lost?"
The corners of your mouth sag and you become confounded, "really? I can see just fine?"
She rises quickly and her towel falls off, "whoops!" and slips back into it. "I hate British towels, for these ones in England are so rough. I miss France so much. At least there, I can recline in comfort. Every thing here is so deadly dull."
"Indeed, ma'am." The crotch of your pants are poking outward...
She comes face to face with you, "will you deliver this letter to Mister Bellcrest?" the letter is pink with red lipstick kisses all over it. "I would kiss you like I kissed this envelope but your mouth appears rather...unclean."
You pat your lips with your fingers as if they were very sore, "that would be the herpes."
"That's not what I meant... now please go." Taking the stupid sexy letter, you wished you had a sexy camera and leave rather slowly out her sexy door. Scroll to 158.
144
Stretching an illegal right arm out in front of you, stretching an index finger under your both nostrils to form a moooostache; you begin the march out into to the multi-purpose room like a soldier of a regime long-passed. Your marching feet Knocks over chairs and tosses them high into the air! you march left, right, left, right all the way up to the auctioneer, and slam your heel into a tall porcelain vase and place a peacock-feathered Musketeer shovel hat onto your head, "das wunderkind! Volkswagens! Dobermans and Mercedes!"
You're ignored by everyone until you stumble around a bit and vomit all over the front row of spectators. If you have a weapon of sort you can use it to threaten everyone with it. You take out a pint of mile from the lining of your outfit and make a toast with it, "to mum! May all her children refuse the jigger bug!"
"Sir! Sit down and shut up!" the auctioneer yells.
Will you now try the door that is heavily guarded? The guards are overcoming their bout of giggles from the scene Eddie has pulled off most unsuccessfully. Scroll to 234. Sit down like the nice man asked; wait patiently and try to buy the artefact from them? Scroll to 205.
145
You are in an office. The carpet is green and the walls are yellow. Heads of animals line the wood panelled walls, cricket trophies and souvenirs decorate this room aplenty. Suddenly, there's chatter in the halls... someone might be coming and knowing your luck it could be to this very room! You have time to examine a large portrait of a man dressed in early 1700 garb (scroll to 162) or look through the drawers of the desk (scroll to 223)?
146
If you have his coffee and biscuits; he gestures you to place the tray on the end table and hands you a dusty 100 quid. If you arrived empty-handed, he lowers his eyebrows at you and shakes his head, "New, aren't you? You're the fifth butler this month! Where do you all come from? You must have bigger knackers than an African elephant to work here. Now leave me alone." He hands you a metal pan heavy with stale urine swishing in it. Do you want to talk with him (scroll to 173) threaten him (scroll to 137) or you can leave the room and return to the hall (scroll to 191)?
147
It doesn't take long for everyone to become drowsy... watching on, the party dies down and all you hear are snores. "Just like when I experienced that ship, Titanic. Remember? We survived the sinking? Odd the theatres would be so sick to make money off the live taping of that!" You creep over to the room that was heavily guarded. Inside are the auction relics, about a hundred of them. An alarm rings out in the house. Do you know what this artefact you're here to steal looks like? Choose 1 from the list and run out before it's too late:
-A statuette of a crystal statue of liberty
-A statuette of a mother of pearl seated woman
-A statuette of a transparent Hindu goddess holding her chest
-A statuette of a zirconium washbasin woman
Scroll to 207.
148
Mister Bellcrest is in awe at your intrusion, "did I NOT tell you this room is off-limits to the public?"
"My apologies, sir. The wet nurses sent me here as a practical joke-"
"Remind me to fire all of them tomorrow morning." He walks over to you, grabs you by the back of the collar and shoves you into the dining room doors. "whoops, I forgot to open them first! How silly of me. Here, allow me-"
"I'm on orders from the school of etiquettes to clean that tip over there by the fireplace!"
"I leave you too it then."
Taking a wet mop you scrub out the carpeting where the ashes are. Smears spread across the floor and cause the carpet to go black. You leave then return with a pale of red dye and hot water; you dump it over the black stains and pat it all down with the sole of your shoe.

"My father will not be with us tomorrow morning." Mister Bellcrest says to his group.
"Oh," replies another man, "what a shame! I do look forward to our morning biscuits together!"
"Vixens and ravens to that!" Mister Bellcrest snaps.
"No, Victor, I am serious; all he ever talks about is some Hindu figurine that he had carved for his wife when he was in India, his wife and YOUR mother."
There's a loud crash and sound of wood cracking in the background, but these men are too indulged in their argument to pay any attention.
Victor slaps him, "I was a love child! My mother was not of dirty English descent! She was a French courtesan from the Moulin Rouge, you idiot, get your history right!"
"I never knew Mister Bellcrest to indulge in love affairs?"
"He did and he still does today, that's why he told me he wants to die. He wants to commit suicide the crazy bugger, but I won't let him. I won't let him kill himself!"
They stop talking and look at you. You have started a cosy little fire for them using their dining room chairs, shoved crudely into the fireplace; lit on fire with the help of old newspapers and a Persian rug-
"Thank you for removing that ugly stain, butler, that will be all..." Mister Bellcrest writes you a check for two-hundred pounds. Quickly, you set the dining room table with your tableware set. Mister Bellcrest is quite impressed of the display and writes you another check for fifty pounds. "Excellent work, Jives, or whatever they call the likes of you; I will be calling on you much later. That will be all." You leave the room in smiles. Scroll to 134.
149
My dearest Victor,
I cannot wait to be in your arms after Mister Bellcrest is dead. We can finally stop hiding and be together as we always wanted. I have read your letter and received your chocolates. I will think of the creme-filled ones as being you, and only you. I understand that you are much bigger and may not taste as sweet as chocolate, but I don't mind. You are so kind and compassionate towards me; I often wondered why a rich boy would fall in love with a dirty hit-woman like me? but we are both French so we can safely say this is the reason.
P.S
Drop that British floozy; even I do not wash myself as much as she!

Vanessa drops the letter and her face falls solemn; she turns on the tap and scrubs at her raw hands. You pick up the letter and leave from the bathroom. Scroll to 140.
150
You are in the grand foyer where twin staircases curve up and meet on the second floor. You could hurry up one of them and see if there's anything of use upstairs? You haven't a clue where this so-called artefact is being kept. If you want to go upstairs (scroll to 272) to the kitchen (scroll to 117) or go to the multi-purpose room where the auction is suppose to take place (scroll to 121)?

Go down the hallway that curls around the corner south-east (scroll to 134) go down the northern hallway (scroll to 179)?
151
The alarm system is supposedly shut off. Now it's time to escape. You walk out of the room and head straight for the nearest exit. Easy enough. Scroll to 207.
152
It doesn't take much to blow some thing up; you've learned this in your bedroom when you were experimenting with a pipe bomb. Finding a good place to hide in the foyer, you push the switch on your remote detonator... wait for it...wait for it...
At first there is nothing, but seconds later there's deafening boom and the entire house shifts and rumbles about as if there's a thunderstorm outside. Bits of the ceiling is coming down; the chandelier in the multi-purpose room falls down and shatters; smoke and dust fills the halls and all the people who are in the house are screaming and running in every direction! Quickly, you get up and run over to where you put the explosive; there's a torn-out section of the wall and floor where the two double doors used to be. Inside the dusty room, the one that was so heavily guarded is a mess of old relics and valuables- mostly destroyed. There's an item sparkling underneath the rubble. a statuette of a woman dressed like a Hindu goddess and carved with her arms hugging her chest. Picking her up and brushing her off, you decide it's time to escape the mansion. Scroll to 185.
153
"Damn!" It's locked. If you had the Pick Lock skill from Ninja Counter Strike, you can open this baby, no problem! Scroll to 124.
If you don't have pick lock, you will have to find another thing to do with your time. Where will you go now? Scroll back to 134 and decide.

154
One person slips by you with a hefty book under his arm. You have the entire library to yourself now. You look through a number of the shelves. Some books have weird titles:
Hebblecoggite: the volume of whispers
Habblegongflite: the volume of halos
Happlegrognite: the volume of sparrows
Hubblegoogrite: the volume of flowers
Grab any 1 of these books, place it under your arm and walk out from the room making a note of the title you took and leave from here, you don't have enough time to browse for hours and hours of mindless reading.
Do you have any dynamite? If you bought any you can place it on the doors with a metal bar across them and detonate it from a safe distance using your control box, scroll to 161.
Else, you could just stroll back up the hallway and return to the grand foyer, scroll to 150.
155
ADD Table manners and Gentleman's Honour certificates to your list. The teacher is not available, so they bring in a heart surgeon who gives you a card to the C of E Church. He brings in a corpse and proceeds to explain how to dissect it... immediately you slip out of the room; there is a strange man standing behind another holding a syringe to his neck. Whatever is in it, you don't want to stick around to find out and become the next victim, you'd rather be dead and buried in your tomb before becoming a test body to some mad man Jack the Ripper. Return to 96.
156
The laughter and fun is over; they made you downright mad. Roll 2d6 and compare the results to your health score, if the result is higher than Eddie's health SCORE they gang up on him and kick him until his health is down to 2. You are thrown outside and chased around the grounds by the bloodhounds; eventually the ambulance arrives and takes you away, fear not, your adventure is not over so scroll to 126.
If equal to or lower than your health SCORE you manage to knock out the first man. There are three of them left, and you will have to roll with lady luck on your side OR use up your Cheats of Chance per man; they intend to hurt you for amusement. If you successfully knocked out the three men out of four, the fourth man who pushed you into the table escapes out the door leading to the Orbis Unum room. You try to follow him but he locks you inside. There's a loud click as the dining room door closes, and the room you're in fills with green mist. Do you have a key with V.B inscribed into it? Turn to the reference number written on it. Otherwise, without the key, you can try to kick down the door and smash it with pieces of furniture but it will not budge! It's no use. You can try to break one of the windows? Scroll to 189.
157
He is not home. The door is closed and locked. Do you have Pick Lock skills learned from Ninja Counter Strike? If you do, you can break into his flat before he comes back, scroll to 194.
Otherwise, you could tie the dog to his door, and pretend you never stole it or you could take it back up to your room and make another decision? Whatever you decide...return to 133.
158
Under a watchful eye of the security guards on the grounds who have noticed you; you close the door behind you and step into an outside short stone corridor or hacienda. The back yard, which is supposed to be the front yard of the estate is in view, considering the position of the kitchen, you'd figure that kitchen's are to be at the rear of the home. The bloodhounds spot you and begin to charge in your direction. There are three doors in this rock hall:
A plain door leading into the multi-purpose room, scroll to 121.
A wooden door that appears to be a part of a guest room, scroll to 125.
A glass one that has an elongated hall beyond it, scroll to 134.
159
As smooth as butter, the both of you arrive at the guarded gates of Bellcrest estate, show your I.D catering services card, and after a thorough checking of the van are allowed in. The grounds are astounding; there's acres of green land and colourful gardens welcoming you. There's a golf resort and cricket grounds here. if only you knew! You could have spent a few vacations here sitting by the pool or frolicking with the buuuurds.
You are gestured by patrols to pull around the rear of the giant mansion, which is actually the front of the mansion. It is made of grey brick and stone and has blue-red trimmed gables. There must be over a hundred windows on the structure. In the distance a large group of barking dogs...bloodhounds...gathers around the van while you and Jiggyjam unload it cursing and kicking at the annoying creatures.
The other van arrives.
Once you are done fixing up items and arranging the trays and trolleys with the food...you and Jiggyjam roll the long tables out of the kitchen, down a stretching hall with a grand staircase on either side of it until you reach the multi-purpose room. The room is elegant with 17 odd pillars holding up the ceiling. Today, the floor has chairs instead of dancers.
You set up the tables at the rear of the room behind the pillars. Scroll to 130.
160
The lock clicks and the door squeaks open a crack. Slithering in like a reptile, you are stopped dead in your tracks at the sudden sight! You've just met your soul mates- recreation room and bar! Oh uh. Roll 2d6 and compare it to Eddie's willpower, will he screw you over and drink himself to death? Or remember that he is on a mission to steal the artefact? If the result is equal to or lower than his willpower, he grabs an unopened bottle of Jack Daniels and saves it for later. He shoots a few quick games of pool, puts some glow-in-the-dark mini golf. Time flies by when you're having so much fun. Time to leave, scroll to 191.
If the result was higher than the score, ADD +8, and depending how drunk he was before all of this happened at this critical moment you're in danger of passing out until the next day and FAIL the entire mission! If you have the drunken master skill he WILL possibly drink himself to the level of 19. Scroll to 181 if he is blasted but not yet passed out or dead from alcohol poisoning.
161
Before anyone sees what you're up to you rig the doors as quickly as possible! Do you want to blow it all up now? Scroll to 178. Or wait a bit, giving time for you to explore more of the mansion first (if you haven't already)? Scroll to 150.
162
He is a senior. His face is round and plump, his nose has a pink swell on the tip, his cheeks puff out a bit and they sag. He is wearing a long blond wig curled in 1700 fashion. Examining the painting closer you see a bit of a bulge behind his green petty coat. Ripping the canvas a little key falls out- on its handle the word Figglesbee #160 is engraved. A note is attached to the key, which you don't hesitate to unfold:
"I am pleased that the disgusting ruthless peeee-zunts have finished my home. Now I can rest in peace and drink myself to death before the wife has another brat! I am the father of seventeen children and already my wiggy is going a white colour, and it is stained with perspiration and anxiety. This key, I had the artist hide in the painting of myself; it is the key to my secret room I never wanted my wife to find. The fanatical bitch! If she knew what I was storing in it she'd sell all of it off to Sir Harold the ignorant bastard and I'd be ruined for sure! Whoever finds this key- know full well- that you hold a decade worth of wealth."
Somewhat pleased with your special find, scroll to 145.
163
"Hello Eddie, fancy seeing you hear? I thought I wouldn't see you until the riots began? You didn't give me time to stock up on radios and connectors. You are answering my help-wanted ad are you? Well, I guess I can use some help. Folks these days care only about computers and cars and don't want to learn basic electronics."
Shrugging your shoulders, you stand there resting your chin up on your hand as he goes about explaining watts, volts, amps, hot wires, neutral wires, rubber insulators, conductors, circuit breakers, grounding, "yah, so most importantly the bus line remains...."
Rolling your eyes at him, you slink into a dream......zzzzz...zzz...
"Mister Hitler, have you understood all of what I told you so far?"
Eddie opens his eyes after having a ten minute doze "Oui! Yo comprende, mai habibi zhhhenerale-" You salute him.
"What?"
"It never left my brain..."
"Great, I'm glad you're paying attention to this important information. Wouldn't want you to electrocute yourself." He goes on with the lesson about household appliances, light fixtures and the hydro company he used to work for including horror experiences used as examples for life lessons. "Yes, that's what happened when he tried to replace the old Christmas light bulbs with lamp shades; coz you see Eddie, currencies travel in a loop."
ZZZZZZ...
"wire nuts, conduits and cables are used... "
zzz... zzzzz...
"...The tool kit of the electrician contains over 40 tools-"
You wake up with a start at the sentence containing the word tools, "Brilliant! Let's get started!"
ADD ‘Certified Electrician' Card #192 and Certificate to your list. Scroll to 197 to begin your first day on the job. Good Luck.
164
A purple card with glossy stars on it: "Palm reading, tea reading and hidden mysteries of the universe revealed before your very eyes! All the answers arrive in the midst of the foretelling crystal ball, gaze into my eyes, be hypnotized and find my domicile way out on Butterwick. Let me read your fortune today! Call a cabby and go to #73 when you get there look me up." You put the card in your pocket and look around some more, return to 194 to nick one more item.
165
If you are suffering from a bout of rabies, the doctor jabs a needle into your buttock. The dog, you learn has a bout of this problem, and they give you a bill for 10 quid. 5 quid for you and for her, but if you're healthy he gives you a bag of soft chewables and rubs your belly. ADD 2 health points. Scroll to 116.
166
Nothing scares people more than a bout of untreated rabies. Your enemies drop you and the sailors back off. Your mouth is foaming in a white froth, and a nearby enemy's leg looks rather tasty. Quickly you wrap your arms around his calf, sink your teeth into his leg, and tear off a flap of fabric. Then you leap up with wicked strength, hop onto the back of another enemy, and bite him like a vampire! The riot squad are called in and throw a smoke bomb at you... like some ravaged werewolf you growl, snarl and holler as your eyes begin to burn from the smoulder. Eventually you're captured and taken to the vet.
After the incident, if you took the statuette of a Hindu goddess, scroll to 283.
Any other item from Bellcrest estate, scroll to 291.
Nothing of interest? Then you go home and eat the stuffing in the couch and rip the kitchen table apart.
167
The book is completely blank save for a maple leaf book mark and a couple dried up book worms. Return to 180.
168
Mercilessly you toss it up over the banister... and wait... There is a nasty explosion, which knocks you into the wall. You're beginning to wonder if it was a stink bomb? The entire room is shrouded in smoke that stinks like an old sewer system. Looking over the railing you can see a few people moving about down there; the room starts up in panic now and gunshots riddle the foggy air, bullets hitting the wall behind you. You crawl over to the doors leading back out onto the landing, and quickly descend the stairs... when you stumble all the way to the bottom of them; you see that the foyer is smoky too. Caterers and other staff members are running about in fright. You walk into the multi-purpose room and try the door that was earlier heavily guarded. Scroll to 176.
169
There's no alarm when you lift the item up off the button. ADD the description of the artefact you stole to your list. Hiding it in the lining of your kit, you briskly walk out of the room; quickly dust a guard's face and leave the multi-purpose room. As you step through the grand foyer and as you reach for the door handle to freedom someone grabs you by the shoulder and yanks you aback; it's Victor Bellcrest, "where are you going in such a hurry?"
"To piss on your flower beds! Where else would I be going?"
"Before you do that, there's unfinished business I need your help with?" He doesn't let you go and drags you along with him. You're lead into the kitchen where he prepares a sandwich, picks up a vial filled with clear liquid and sprinkles the tomatoes with the odourless content. He hands you the tray of food, "Good, now take this up to the Happlegrognite room. When you are done, return to the kitchen and we'll start negotiating your salary- worked for royalty before you claim? HA! You'll love it better at Bellcrest estate, there's something about your personality I admire; as my employee I believe we are going to make a perfect team. In my care, you'll never scrounge around for pennies ever again! How does that sound?"
"Yeah but you put something on this!"
"Vinegar with a touch of vodka. Now hurry up or I'll fire you right here and then have you beaten you to death!"
"Right O..." Spinning on your heel you march out of the kitchen with the tray. You hear him tell you he was only jesting about the beating you to death charade. You both begin laughing like crazed madmen, and carry the tray over to the grand foyer.
Now what?
You could deliver the tray to the Happlegrognite room? Scroll to 228.
Leave the tray on the staircase and make your escape once again? Scroll to 101.
Eat the sandwich, return to the kitchen and declare you delivered it? Scroll to 244.
170
Most of the plants and flowers have dried up, while some are mouldy with mildew. A tiny pond has algae growing on it and it smells appalling like that of a toilet that hasn't been flushed in hours or days. Looking about the place you find ten quid in a cracked porcelain piggy bank. You tip-toe out of the guest room quickly before the person in the bathroom hears you, for the shower that was on has turned off. Scroll to 158.
171
You enter the Orbis Unum room; it has a theme of abodes in the 1600s of white walls and wood panelling. There are two large fireplaces in here and seating areas. It must be the drawing room. "The what room?"
The drawing room.
"You mean they have a room JUST for scribbling in?"
There seems nothing else of interest in here. You can take with you a handful of Cuban cigars worth 50 quid each and the lacquer coated box they're in, merit unknown. Will you leave from this room and return to the south hallway? Scroll to 134. Or find out what's behind the panelled door on the far corner of the fully furnished room, scroll to 124.
172
A loose marble step trips you up and your feet stumble all the way down, the steps feel like water was spilled on them then frozen to ice. Holding onto the banisters, you regain your footing again. As if one has stepped into the Twilight Zone, Bellcrest Estate seems to have been fast-forwarded like a movie on a tape recorder. Scroll to 127.
173
"If you are looking only for money...forget it...I don't have any! My rotten son snorted it all up."
You sit on the edge of the bed. "Don't worry, I know exactly how you feel; I live with a crazed loony for eon 17 years!"
"You poor ol' soul. Give me his name and I will destroy his reputation for good."
"I doubt that will work...it's already beyond that." You reply.
He grunts; which you make out to be a laugh or a giggle. "Well then what brings you to my house? That damn auction downstairs I imagine?"
"Actually, not necessarily, but CLOSE and a good guess! Yes, well done!"
"They are selling all of my belongings you know. My son thinks that I will be dead in a few days. The twit! If only I had a way to overthrow him and save his wife from his evil clutches; he does not deserve her!"
Do you have a love letter in your possession by any chance? Scroll to 131.
Will you ask him about this expensive mysterious artefact that suppose to go to the highest bidder? Scroll to 129.
174
You walk across the room. The table in here takes up most of the space of it. The curtains are closed and the lighting is dimmed. Odd... only blood-suckers would live like this. Under the curious stares of the men you pretend to fix the wall outlet... sticking a screwdriver into on of the holes and using it to tear off the plastic cover; you use your cordless drill to bore into one of the wires and finding that nothing happens, grab it with a rubber glove and pull it out from the unit.
Looking over your shoulder, the men have gone back to their conversation, and thankfully ignore you. You overhear:
"My father cannot do a thing to stop me, he is bed-ridden. He should have been dead decades ago!"
"That's not a very nice thing to say about him?"
"What would you know? You're an orphan!"
A smell of burnt hair attracts their attention back over to you, your face is black and the sleeves of your coat has burned away to black shreds. Ignoring the low likes of you again, they continue on... a small fire in the wall sets the wall paper on aflame-
"The only way to get into that room would be to blast a hole through it or grow to the size of an ant! I have it protected so that NO ONE not even a village idiot like him will steal it-"
The sound of your hammer going through the wall interrupts them. At least the fire is out now; you've cut off its source using your pry bar at the expense of the wiring system. Quickly, you react and say, "that was your problem lads... the wires in this wall were a fire hazard! Good thing I came along or might have had an emergency on hand." Your work area looks like an animal ravaged the wall and tore at it with its claws and teeth, there are wires and tubes sticking crudely out and grated wood on the carpet. You receive no reply, only surprise upon their expression. The tallest one with green eyes and black hair steps forward, he must be the one in charge of the group, "well! It's a good thing we hired you!" He exclaims, but looks rather suspiciously at you, "Unfortunately, THIS is the wrong outlet."
You bolt upright in defence, "are you sure! I can smell faulty wires from a knot mile away!"
"And I can smell a liar from three feet away."
"Really? I can't smell anything?"
They gang up on you before you can do anything; you are dragged out of the room, through the halls and upstairs. you are pulled down a dark hallway and thrown into a room. You are knocked unconscious by a wooden mallet. Scroll to 214.
175
A portion of panelled wall blocks your view of the room, closing the door gently behind you; you slink around it. A tall woman with black hair wearing a long black dress is washing her hands in the sink.
Are you in disguise as the butler? If so, scroll to 213.
If not you could try to speaking with her? Scroll to 186.
Otherwise, leave unnoticed and roam around in the darkness like a creature of the night by heading east toward two doors (scroll to 217) toward corner of the hall (scroll to 203) or go back down the hallway north (scroll to 191)?

176
Thankfully, it's not guarded. You slip into the room; it is too dense to see anything in here! Must have been a powerful bomb, and you are captivated, for there are many treasures in here that would make you rich forever; unfortunately you'd need a truck to get them all out. They are too big to carry more than one.
An alarm goes off in the house! Do you know what this artefact you're here to steal looks like? Choose 1 from the list and run out before it's too late:
-A statuette of a crystal statue of liberty
-A statuette of a mother of pearl seated woman
-A statuette of a transparent Hindu goddess holding her chest
-A statuette of a zirconium running woman
Grab one and scroll to 185.
177
In the grand foyer, you can barely make out the main entrance; it's smoky in here for some reason perhaps from all fag smoke or something else? A tall man with black hair; who is called Mister Bellcrest arrives with his three great mates, and stop you in your tracks. "You bloody swine!" Mister Bellcrest yells. "I knew there was something off about you!"
After all you've been through there's no way in hell you're going to give it up the item you have in your hands that easily?
Scrawny somewhat burly Henchman 1 health 2
Stout and burly Henchman 2 health 4
Large, burly Henchman 4 health 6
Mister Victor Bellcrest health 10
If you win, scroll to 249.
If you lost, scroll to 212.
187
You find a place in the foyer to hide and while adjusting yourself into a cosy position… you prepare to detonate your desired bomb…
"Do you mind, reader? This is neither the time nor the place for such sexual ranting. Let's just get on with detonating the explosive... alright?!"
If you used the dynamite, scroll to 277.
If you used the Commando C4, scroll to 152.
Were both placed on the doors? Roll 2 d6: 2-3 and only the dynamite worked.
4-5 and only the C4 worked.
6 both worked simultaneously and caused a huge explosion... half the house on that side has collapsed! Scroll to 227.
179
Passing a few servant corridors, which you have searched and found nothing; you arrive at the door at the end of the passage. It is actually not a door, but a window shaped like a door. There's a library on your left. On your right, double doors that have a metal bar across are sealed tight from intruders; behind it you can hear chatter from security guards. This is the room that is highly protected from the public. wonder what could be in it?
Do you want to enter the library? Scroll to 154.
Do you have any C4 or dynamite sticks? If you bought any of these explosives you can place it on these doors and detonate it from a safe distance using your control box, scroll to 161.
Else, you could just stroll back up the hallway and return to the grand foyer. Scroll to 150.

[Deleted]

180
The sound of loud snoring is coming from behind the last door at the very end of the hall. The door is locked unfortunately, using pick lock does nothing.
By any chance, do you have one of these books with you?
-Hebblecoggite, scroll to 219.
-Habblegongflite, scroll to 167.
-Happlegrognite, scroll to 132.
-Hubblegoogrite, scroll to 202.
Otherwise, you may investigate the other two doors? Will you enter through the first door? Scroll to 208.
There's a second door across from you and it too is locked and won't budge with your Pick Lock skills; unless you have the Figglesbee key then you'd know what paragraph to scroll to...?
If nothing helps, might as well walk back up the hallway and investigate the south wing of the house, scroll to 140.
181
The doors of the recreation room fly open and you come stumbling out. You start boxing with mid air, "don't mess with me I'm a middle aged boxing champ!"
You fall head first into the wall opposite and lie there for a bit until the stars clear; great, you've just made a dent in the wood with her head. Putting one leg forward and staring at the very wobbly corridor, you bang into the left wall and right wall all the way to the descending stairwells... "Forget about him, Penelope Skunk Trollop! He's nothing but a gambler with low ambitions! Come with me baby. Let us tarry not. We will miss the train to Crete!!! Pick me, for I'm a lover bullet train- agk!" The world goes head over heels a few times and you land with a crash on two caterer's table's full of cakes and desserts. "I think I've just fallen off the second story landing..." You rise up from the mess you made, punching and swinging at the air again, those who watched you fall are fearful of you now. You stagger into the multi-purpose room, knock over five empty chairs, and point accusingly at the auctioneer "your mouth is full of bollocks! I've been to swankier auctions than this!" You accidentally pull off a woman's wig and reveal that she is slightly balding then putting back on rather crookedly, you stumble forward down the main aisle, "I want just one thing in my whole life! Money, romance, to win things, and to be married but not really... shit, now what was I going to say? There was a point to this madness-"
"Sir? Will you please SHUT UP and sit down!" the auctioneer hollers.
"I don't know about the rest of you, but I think I'm going to be dreadfully sick...yep... I was right..." Your gut goes into involuntary spasms. After your explosive vomiting episode- one of the guards escorts you to the bathroom just over by the corner.
Do you know the Art of Death from Ninja Counter Strike? Scroll to 209.
Frankly, if you don't have any of these you could attack the lonesome guard all your own? Scroll to 198.

182
The house seems so far away... blue lights are flashing at the front gates... the dogs are running and viciously barking in your direction… Security guards are running around the aimlessly grounds searching for you. Lifting your left foot you begin the long jog all the way down the drive way... the front gates explode, the police have infiltrated that area... one dog takes a dive at you, you kick at them- another bites onto your leg... the security guards notice you and begin to blow on their whistles. Covered in blood hounds, you reach the stone veranda and hurry into the multi-purpose room. Do you know what this artefact you're here to steal looks like? Choose 1 from the list and run out before it's too late. Remember, the one you chose earlier will not be here, so disregard the statue you stole previously from this list and nick another:
A statuette of a crystal statue of liberty
A statuette of a mother of pearl seated woman
A statuette of a Hindu goddess holding her chest
A statuette of a transparent Greek maiden
A statuette of a zirconium running woman
Scroll to 231.
183
Keeping your head ducked down, you find to your dismay that the black door is locked. There's running water heard beyond it. Do you possess Pick Lock from Ninja Counter Strike? Then you quickly overcome this, scroll to 175; otherwise, you will have to sneak back over to the double doors and back out into the hall.
Did you buy a stink bomb? You could toss one over the railing for the heck of it (scroll to 168) leave as intended, must maintain a stealthy semblance (scroll to 191)?
184
Roll 2d6 compare to your health score, equal to or lower and he was caught of guard by your swift kick to his knackers. If the result was higher then he grabs onto your clumsy foot and whacks you on the cranium with a karate chop, and knocks you unconscious. Your epic adventure is over.
You can use a bottle you took from the old man's secret closet if you know of it... tape him up...tie him up... whatever you have in your list and hide his body in the cubicle. Else, you could. kill him? But if you really want to be this heartless and have an item that will do the trick, ADD him to your dead bodies list and leave, scroll to 262.
185
As you run out into the multi-purpose room, a young man stops you in your tracks; he is skinny, tall with black hair and icy eyes. Perhaps you know him? He is holding two pistols in his grasps, "I should have known someone would try to steal my father's relic!"
You point up far behind him, "look! That gorilla is about to drop a load on your white shirt!"
He looks up over his shoulder. This is a good opportunity to use spray items you may have purchased at ninja counter strike or Zaida's shop! Or hit him over the head with a weapon of choice on your list. roll 2 d6 and compare the result to your health, if equal to or less than your score the item works and you can disarm him.
If the result exceeded your health then the item doesn't get him, for he is young and speedy to your dismay, and he shoots your arm holding the relic, lose 2 health.
Victor Bellcrest health 10 (armed)
If you lost he wastes no time forcing you to eat the food served by the caterers, if you put anything in it; the consequences of the experience will be yours to own.
If you won, he falls to the ground and curls up into a ball; sucking on his thumb. Just as you race toward one of the doors you are stopped by security guards... you run over to another door, and are greeted by the police; so you run over to yet another doorway and are cut short by the justice system. You raise your hands up slowly. Scroll to 212.
186
Her brown eyes and pale face are turned in your direction, "Who the devil are you?" She's attractive... perhaps you could get her phone number later on?
"Sorry, I just came in to use your toilet." quickly you shuffle over to the sink and pull your weenie out, she hasn't left the room when you peer over your shoulder at her, "you stand over a potted plant and piss on it."
If you were drunk, reduce 2 points; the pee has eased your streak. When you're finished, the plain yet pretty woman you were trying to impress has disappeared... Upon leaving the room, you're greeted by eight security guards. Unless you're trained in the Art of Death or Simple Sod-it lessons you won't be able to overcome them. If you have a Katana sword, this is your lucky evening! Any or ALL of these skills will help you win without having to roll dice!
To use a regular weapon of your choice (bomb not included, no time to mantle) and fight them:
All guards have a health score of 6; fight them one at a time.
If you won, ADD 8 dead bodies to your list; thinking it to be a bad idea to stick around this area in case the wench comes back, you run north down the hall and descend the stairs and scroll to 172.
If you lost, don't feel bad they were cheating anyway the dirty sods; you're beaten to the floor with batons and electrical prods; they put a doggy zap collar on you and take turns playing with the electro-surge for a good laugh, scroll to 126.
187
The alarm doesn't make a peep. The artefact goes into your outfit and now there doesn't seem like there's anything else left to do. Therefore, you step over to the doorway and the alarms go off. The guards pull out their guns and batons. Do you have a cheat of chance left? If so, you can use it in this situation now, scroll to 297.
If not then you are overcome and beaten to the floor until the artefact is retrieved. A young man with black hair being addressed by the guards as Mister Bellcrest comes by and places a boot into your groin. You will be waking up in the hospital after this ordeal, and the Bellcrest Artefact will be on a plane bound for Asia by then.
188
There is no one in the dining room. You search the room quickly and find another key to your dismay, a brass one with the name Figglesbee crudely scratched into the handle and the number #160 (write this number down and save it for later). Footsteps are coming and stop at the doors. Quickly, you run to the drawing room opposite and exit the room; you step out into the north hall and catch a glimpse of security guards going into the dining room. If you know where the secret control panel is, you could be gallantly spiteful and switch it on. Continue on your merry way. Scroll to 134.
189
The windows are bullet resistant. They will not break under any circumstances that you try to use here. How could the rich be so heartless like this? In minutes you become lethargic and collapse on the floor... your adventure ends abruptly.
190
Are you in disguise as the janitor? You're not asked any questions, scroll to 211.
If you don't have a disguise and are playing as yourself objective, you must have the electrician certificate, or they will not let you in, and you will have to leave or retrace your steps. If you have the certificate, they examine it and you give them a toothy smile; yep, it matches the photo on the card, NOW do you have a toolbox? It will be pretty difficult to pull off such a stunt without one! If you have every-thing to pass off as the electrician, you are let in and interrogated no longer, scroll to 174. Otherwise, without the toolbox, you won't be let in, 134.
If you are dressed any other way than the two options above, there's a long pause of silence (probably shock) and they cackle at your reply and invite you in. scroll to 138.
191
Most of the lights have been turned off up here. It is getting darker outside now. A t-junction stretching far to your left and your right. Will you head north down this hallway (scroll to 180) go down to the southern wing (scroll to 140) or examine the double doors facing the stairwells (scroll to 199)?

Descend the stairs if you are finished looking up here, stroll to 172.
192
You're escorted by one of the guards to the front entrance, there are dogs running about. One of them jogs by and tries to eat at your butt crack, you try everything to kick at it and push it away but it's obviously useless. Eventually, the security guard yells at it to sod off. You are lead into a great foyer; there are twin staircases and the aroma of baked bread seeping from the kitchen. You are standing in Bellcrest Estate, no hassle, no worry.
"Go straight to the dining room just on the corner of the bending hallway; the master has informed us that he is waiting for you." The security guard tells you; you haven't noticed this earlier but he is wearing an eye patch and has a scar running across his forehead. His breath smells of stale coffee. "If I see you wandering anywhere else you're not suppose to be I'll wring you like a rag!" he lifts his fists up and pretends to be twisting an invisible wet towel. The dry flesh on his hands grinds and cracks with the pressure. After he leaves, you sigh a fresh breath of relief, did he ever smell like canned sardines. Scroll to 150.
193
The key fits and unbolts the lock, your body is tightening from the gas... closing the door shut behind you, you see that one of the paintings is out of place across from where you stand. Studying it closer, you can see a control panel behind it. Playing with the switches locks and unlocks the doors to the dining and drawing room. There's an OFF/ON switch for the nerve gas which you flick off. You slide the painting back in place. If you have the guts, you could return to the dining room now (scroll to 138) or investigate this hall further if you haven't earlier (scroll to 134)?
194
The door opens; immediately the dog scoots in... closing the door gently behind you, you look around the corners of every room and find them void of human occupancy besides yourself.
Roll 2d6:
1- You have enough time to fill five garbage bags full with food items from kitchen cupboards and fridge.
2- A 27" television set
3- A large stash of 8 nudey magazines and a bag of sewing needles
4- Autographed photos of the entire cast of The Knock
5- A month's worth of pipe tobacco and a lighter
6- A small table lamp and a bottle of red cooking wine
7- A piggy bank filled with 20 quid
8- Rottweiler's stained queen size bed
9- An electric tea kettle, a broken toaster and plastic garbage can
10- A large framed painting of farm scenery
11- A small Hoover
12- A card with the phone number of a psychic, scroll to 164.
The dog is sleeping on the bed now, when you wake it; it growls at you, you decide to leave it alone- don't want to be the one caught on Rottweiler's bad side should he ever catch you in his home. You had better leave the building now, for the familiar sound of a back-firing car is coming up the street. Scroll to 10.
195
Add 4 points to your drunken state, if you haven't already. "Compose yourself, Eddie! We are the caterers here, and if the boss finds out one of us cheated him, he will fire us all!"
*Hiccup!*
Jiggyjam was last seen going out for a smoke the others say, but you don't see him anywhere outside when you poke your head out to have a peak. In the room, someone has left a batter of cake sitting in the open. If only you had razor blades or pills, you could slip them in before anyone notices?
If not, you can continue to investigate Bellcrest while you still have time. All of this food is making you hungry again. You need to eat something, if not you will lose 2 health points, and no you may not eat of the food in this room. Your hand will get slapped away from the dishes. Return to 150.
196
Taking all the wires in your angry grasp, you yank them as hard as you can out of the glass counter. There's no sound of an alarm- as you sigh a breath of relief and grab the artefact of choice and the counter explodes. Shards of glass fly everywhere, all of the paintings, vases shatter, and the room fills with smoke. The walls are on fire and you're sitting somewhere in the rubble. You rise up, stand on both feet again, dazed, seared, still clutching the artefact and mangled wires in your grasp. The door busts open and in run five security guards; you stand as still as a board and put a burning picture of Mona Lisa in front of your face. Security runs passed you and gets lost in the smoke, some slipping on the sewage you brought up with you from the tunnel- this gives you the opportunity to escape out the door they barged through. You step out into a large ballroom filled with posh-dressed people who scream at you as you shuffle by, acting just as surprised as them you can't help but somewhat smile nervously. The auctioneer is staring at you and at the artefact you happen to be harbouring under your filthy arm. There are a number of doors of exit in this room. Which one will you gamble on and head for before the guards discover you? The double doors on the very far end of this room (scroll to 177) the plain door nearby (scroll to 249)?
197
You're given a used unmarked tool box containing 50 pieces: flashlight, hammer, drills, tape, pliers -etc- and most of all a very wobbly and slightly wrecked 6 Foot ladder- ADD Electrician 50 piece kit and broken ladder to your list.
He gives you a list of things to do: roll 2d6 and compare to your health score,
if equal to or lower than your health score you were successful.
if the result was higher than your health than you guessed your way through the routine and caused a faulty wire configuration.
*remember to keep track of all your roll results; you will need them after your job is over.
Roll 2d6 Install a ceiling fan in the back room
Roll 2d6 tend to a costumer while the owner makes use of the lavvy
Roll 2d6 Fix the microwave... if you exceeded your score, you leave it be in a pile of useless pieces
Roll 2d6 install a vent in the woman's washing-up room (a 15 hour task and you did in 5 minutes- Good job mate!)
Roll 2d6 Add another circuit to breaker
Roll 2d6 Replace a 3-way switch
Roll 2d6 tend to a costumer while the owner steps outside to have a cigarette
Roll 2d6 test your willpower; there's a flask sitting underneath the front counter containing +3drunk vodka.
Roll 2d6 fix the toaster... if you exceeded your score, you smash it to bits with your hammer and tape it back together.
1. If you tended to both costumers and managed to fix everything, roll 2d6 and add 0. He invites you back to work for him again, and if you’re interested. Just redo the above all over again. Make note of #197.
2. If you lost a few costumers but managed to fix everything, roll 2d6 and add 0. He will hire you again if you're interested. Make a NOTE of #197.
3. If you created defective wiring on 1 or 3 routines, the owner will discover this immediately upon inspection. He won't pay you for faulty work or hire you again. Scroll to 2.
4. If you created defective wiring on 4 or 6 routines (disregarding the costumers at this moment because it won't matter now), the owner will not discover the errors immediately and electrocute himself accidentally on the light switch! ADD 1 dead body to your list. Quickly checking the register to make sure it wasn't damaged in any way because you care very much about the property here, you find 200 quid. Leave immediately. Scroll to 2.
5. If you managed to create defective wiring on all routes (regardless IF you tended to the costumers or not!) when the owner trips over the dismantled microwave, he flicks on the light switch and the building explodes!!! The fireball can be seen for blocks in every direction!!! Jobless, penniless now you MUST remove the tool box and ladder from your list, for they have been blown to shards in the blast, and cross RADIO N THINGS off your visiting list seeing the carnage you've created and that there's nothing left of the place now but a black spot. Lose 2 HEALTH points. You are thrown sky-high into the air, the clouds fly by, the ground below and all the rooftops flip and flop! You are twirled upside down. Where did you land? Scroll to15.
198
Well then SIR EDMUND! How will you take down this security guard in your current state? You'll have to attack him with whatever you have on your adventure list? If a chap had a pound of 25¢ lard, he'd batter him with that. Scroll to 184.
199
You're directed onto a balcony overlooking the multi-purpose room below. The auction is underway. A painting is being sold as you peak over the banister. You hear that in half an hour there will be a short dinner break for the guests. The balcony is L-shaped; to the far south you can see a black door.
Do you know about the door the old man spoke of? You can look for it and scroll to that reference now.
If you purchased a stink bomb, you can throw it down there on to the unsuspecting crowd (scroll to 168)
You could creep over to the far end and try the black door (scroll to 183) or step back out into the hallway (scroll to 191)?
200
Diego's Hotel menu:
"We put the yes in French!"
Mango Marinated Steak £600 (+restores 6 lost health points)
Grilled Shark Steak £600 (+restores 4 lost health points & 1 lost skill point)
Stuffed Yam £200 (+restores 2 lost health points)
Seasoned Oysters £300 (+restores 3 lost health points)
Peach Puff Cream cake £200 (+5 happy)
Raspberry Water £100 (+1 health)
Blueberry Martini £250 (+2 DRUNK)
Canadian Ice Wine £450 (+3 DRUNK)
German Beer £150 (+1 DRUNK PER 2)
Cognac bottle £400 (+4 DRUNK)
"Having an Engagement party? We're the ones you want!" We are looking to hire for our catering service; we deliver to places you simply could not imagine. Apply within.
Diego hotel hires you immediately after reviewing your I.D card and certificates. Roll 2d6 and compare to your health score, if equal to or lower you've succeeded in the task; higher and you've failed read the other half of the sentence:
• bring a tray of silver lined sweets to room 303; if not then you've eaten the bonbons
• fire the cook; or be belittled by him and cracked over the cranium with an enormous wok
• be the servant of honor in the penthouse suite; get dismissed by them for drunken conduct ADD 2 DRUNK
• help in the buffet room; or create disorder and disaster by starting a large grease fire with Ritchie's lighter.
• baby sit the royal cousin's eight children; or they get lost in the halls, get drunk off cologne & exhaust you into losing 1 health
• help Mister Royalbutter get dressed, run him a bath and spoon feed him; or you put his clothing on inside out, push him down an elevator shaft by accident and feed him cat food instead of cereal
• offer caviar hors d'ouvre at the banquet luncheon; otherwise you get drunk off the wine +3 and serve everyone raw onions and mud from outside
Add up how many you did successfully, and add 00 to the end of the result. This hotel is very pernickety, if you failed any of these tasks you will NOT be hired here again! Unless you use a CHEAT OF CHANCE to cheat your way back in.
Remember, the rich bastards took your Rolls away, so you must walk from this point on; you can leave the hotel and return to Queen Caroline Street to take the bus, scroll to 15.
Call a taxi if you know the number?
201
If you used the dynamite, scroll to 277.
If you used the Commando C4, scroll to 152.
Were both placed on the doors? Roll 2 d6: 2-3 and only the dynamite worked.
4-5 and only the C4 worked.
6 both worked simultaneously and caused a huge explosion. Half the house on that side has collapsed. Scroll to 227.
202
The king who had it all, but not really: one dark night in medieval times far away, King Jabblejoober had his servant's servants produce a five hundred foot list of all his worldly possessions. He had all the money, he had all the women, he had all the smartest brightest children, he had all the best homes and land any normal man could only wish for and et cetera. He fixed his eyes on portraits of family members now long dead and wondered why he had more than them combined? Then the thought came to him, ‘they are all dead. They could not defy death and become immortal!" The king raised his finger in the air and shouted, "I have everything BUT immortality! WHY oh WHY was I denied this? Nothing is important in this world if I cannot enjoy it forever!?"
A bat landed on his right shoulder in place of the devil and spoke to him, "You're probably thinking that I am the legendary vampyre bat, but you are wrong." It groomed its little feet right there without a care.
"So! Then what use are you!" He flicked the bat off his shoulder and stomped on it to kill it, "-silly bat... arrived to insult me with your lies and incompetence!" and after ending the life of the poor creature, the king felt remorse, "poor little thimble... what have I done to you? You did not deserve this! I should be killed with a bullet to my heart for being so savage!"
As he picked up the tiny furry body a man dressed in a priest cloaked in black robe dived out of the darkness and stabbed him in the chest with a stake. The king was aghast that his sarcasm had come true! Also that his body was beginning to burn profusely; he dropped the bat and grabbed onto the stake sticking out of his chest, "what... is… this madness?"
"It is I the vampyre slayer... for years you've ravaged my village and put fear into the people's hearts... no longer will you live in your luxury of blood and sunny day torment...tonight, I watch you die-" He takes a Polaroid picture... the last thing king Jabblejoober sees is the bright flash. The moral of the story: vampires don't always realize they are immortal until it is too late. Return to 180.
203
You come to a white door with a plaque on it with the letters: Jipwhite etched on it; it is locked and you haven't a key for it. Lock pick skills are useless. There's nothing else in this corner of the hall besides the doors across from you.
Will you investigate them (scroll to 217) leave the area and head north (scroll to 191)?
204
You are met with a tall and skinny young man; his hair is black and his eyes are blue. Something about them rings suspicion. He seems to be clenching his teeth a lot when he's not looking at you, you can tell this because his face is quite bony. He surprises you with a French accent, "I am Victor Bellcrest; I hope you were given all the rules to this house of mine and access to most areas?" He walks you in to the grand foyer. There are two white staircases winding up like long arms to the second floor. Mister Bellcrest is watching your astonishment of the room with a keen eye, "tell me, have you worked in large houses such as this before?"
"Oh yes! I used to work for Emperor Wang in Hong Kong and tended to his many gardens of marigolds and petunias. I also painted a panel at the White House for President Nixon of America and he gave me ten dollars and said well done. Upon returning I drove Prince Charles to Portsmouth that one gloomy week, all I remember him saying was ‘I need to get a picture of the steam ship before it sets sail again! Oh blimey how they all look the same? Hurry up before I throw you in the sea!' Then there was that one time some Arabian dictator hired me. I was forced to scrub out the large oil lamps and lapis lazuli floors with my toothbrush; but I used his instead until the peasants ratted out on me for it, and let me tell you with sand that dusty it is difficult to get out of goat's milk."
Ignoring your banter, he overlooks your portfolio again, "odd, I specifically asked for someone with experience. Preferably older too."
You pick up a batch of fresh roses sitting in a glass vase and smash it to the floor, "you can't get any more experienced than this!" the maids come running, "wenches from the devil's pit? Clean this muddle up, for my back is stinging and I cannot bend over fast enough. What does one do in a place riddled with lazy staff? I might as well quit my job and live in the gutter-" And they clean it up for you in a jiffy.
He gives you back the certificates, "very well, you've proved enough; I am sure you have the to-do list and will require my assistance no further. Now excuse me, I have business to attend to." He struts off then spins on his right heel to face in your direction, "and stay out of the dining room... make sure you heed this warning; the public knows better and would never contravene with my wishes." Scroll to 150.
205
You take a seat and watch someone win the bid on a fancy dollhouse and have a bit of a kip... and when you wake up you discover that everyone is gone. You are the only one sitting in the room. Maids are scrubbing the floors and folding up chairs. Shrugging you shoulders and cursing your own luck, you get up to leave the facility, and ready yourself to return to Parade Lane.
"People like us aren't meant to win things... you get born, and you keep your head down... if you're lucky..." is all that echoes through your head as you walk home on this dreadful rainy night. Your mission has failed, but at least you still have Richie and a free place to live in? The next day you visit Harry the Bastard and sell off what useless happy items you possess... only to drink it all up at the Lamb and Flag half an hour later.
206
"Hello, you must be new here?" She asks of you.
"Yes... I'm Alfred Batman."
"My name is Vanessa Bellcrest. I am married to Victor; you may have already met him?"
You nod and then shake you head ‘no', now you're not sure who you met.
"He is very sweet at times, but he has such a disastrous temper; I don't think I can stand him any more. I want to leave, but he will not let me. I have no evidence that he is a terrible person! All I do is wash my hands and wash my hands and wash my hands."
Do you have 2 love letters in your possession? If you have any one of them or both, you can hand them to her and add her as an ally. If you gave her the love letter with the kisses all over it, she will read it aloud, scroll to 149.
And if you don't have any of the letters, she asks you to bring her more towels. You leave respectfully and step back out into the hall, scroll to 140.
207
Running out the doors; the cool air of the night embraces you; you've exited the mansion without any disturbances. The guards at the front gates are passed out. Just as you reach the last flowerbed, someone tackles you to the ground. His hair is blue and he has earrings sticking all over his face, if you are the caterer; you know him as Jiggyjam! The rotten greedy bastard! Doesn't matter anyhow who he is! He is trying to pry the artefact out of your clutches. Roll 2d6 and compare it to your health score, if the result is equal to or lower than your health your strength is greater than his and with one punch knock him out! Unless the roll was higher than your health score than he bites you in the tackle; yanks the artefact from your desperate hands, hits you over the head with it and runs off. A car is waiting for him outside the gates, so you won't be chasing after him. Have you had about enough of this proposal and have decided to resign the mission (scroll to 222) or you could always run back and grab another artefact (scroll to 182)?
208
The door is jammed on something but you manage to force it open. The room is darker than the hall and smells of intestinal gases.
"Hello." This voice of a man comes quite eerily. You spin around but can't see him... you start punching the air. The voice giggles at your distress. "Don't worry Edward Hitler, I won't hurt you."
The door slams shut and clicks. You're trapped in the bedroom now with this invisible force. Eddie says, "This adventure has gone to bollocks now! I don't think it can get any worse than this"
An apparition appears over by the bed... your eyes squint at it, but your brain can't make out the form, "You look about my size Edward Elizabeth Hitler, except I may need to adjust to your plump bottom."
You scream out a horrific yowl and bang on the door, "let me out of here!" the entity grabs hold of your ankles and pulls you off balance. You are dragged across the hardwood floor until you reach the foot of the bed and dragged underneath that as well. The entity fiddles with your pants, both of you struggle with it...
"Edward... stop resisting me! It will be over quicker if you stop this twaddle of yours!" it eventually removes your trousers...
In minutes, you're slipped across the room and pushed out the door; it closes shut behind you... when you run back up the hallway screaming at the top of your lungs you realize that your old pair of trousers have been changed into new ones... red fashionable flares. You've been molested by the forest trouser ghost who likes to slip onto unsuspecting visitors; looks like you're stuck wearing these ugly things until you leave the mansion, for they are enchantingly snug to your flesh and won't come undone -except the fly- when you need to urinate. Scroll to 191.
209
What you were taught in the Art of Death is never, ever heard. With a well-placed head butt into his gut; he falls over silently and closes his eyes. You hide his body in the cubicle and then the thought occurs to you... he's your size, he would fit on you perfectly- "I think I know what you're getting at... sick pervy writing my fate... LET'S just take his clothes and pass off as a guard SHALL WE?"
Switching clothes with him you feel like a neo Nazi in his uniform; this outfit is soooo 1940s ‘ish; you step out of the lavvy and back into the multi-purpose room. Did you put something in the food earlier? If you did and are waiting for the effects of it, then relax and have a bit of a sit-down. Scroll to 218.
Unless you rigged doors with a bomb, you find to your dismay that the detonator is missing! As a guard now, you will have to make a hasty decision. Will you try the door that is heavily guarded (scroll to 234) create a diversion (scroll to 144) or sit down, wait patiently, and try to buy the artefact from them (scroll to 205)?
210
The rusty ladder crumbles and you fall into a pool of sewage. You spit out a gunk of something rather and trudge on through the muck. Scruffy rats are scurrying along the thin lining of the tunnel. Wondering how this endeavour will ever end you come to a three way junction: one going far off into utter darkness left, one heading right into darkness, and the straight one elevated from the tunnel where you stand. If you have a flashlight, you can investigate the other tunnels.
To go Left, scroll to 229.
To go Right, scroll to 250.
If not or you'd rather not; quickly you climb up onto the tunnel and have to duck your way down it for a couple of meters, scroll to 240.
211
Victor Bellcrest, the tall man with jet black hair grabs you by the collar, "did I not tell you that the lavatory is upstairs? Why are you down here?"
Another man speaks up for you, "he's snooping!"
You answer, "No. I was told by someone that there was also a washing-up room down here? The public ones-"
A chubby man laughs, "He's right you know? They are in the ballroom! I flushed one and it caused the cubicle beside mine to rattle most violently so much so that the pipes bulged."
Mister Bellcrest let go of your collar, "I am worrying too much. I have a funny feeling that a thief is in the house... but I don't always listen to my hunches." You're shoved at the door most sadistically. They continue with their conversation about the flowerbeds and different types of flowers. Do you think it's prudent to threaten them for being so rude (scroll to 156) or you can just leave, who needs them anyways (scroll to 134)?
212
"Fancy finding yourself here again, Mister Hitler!" Yells the judge under his curly wig; he is wearing a black blindfold, like the one brother of Henry Fielding back in the days of debauchery. "What is his crime now? Stealing? Murder? Rape? Lying?"
A young sexy lawyer woman with long blond wavy hair who looks like Kim Basinger comes forward, "All of the above, your honour."
"Vile, quite vile indeed! Send him off to the gallows!"
Do you have more enemies than you do allies? If you've been unpopular in your run, you'll wish you've been a lot nicer because they are here to testify against you. Scroll to 282.
If you have more allies than enemies, they are here too and start a fight with your enemies. "SILENCE in this COURTROOM!" Hollers the blind judge; he pauses to think a few things through. There are more people here testifying that you are being blamed for nothing. This judge knows you and Richie very well; he was the one who sent Keith Three-Eyed Freak to the Tower of London to be tortured with rusty instruments because he gave Richie a black eye in the groin. It is the small things that get horrible consequences in the end, but because you are liked; you are spared.
"OH, VERY WELL! Send the little twerps out of my courtroom! If I see either of you in here again, I'll stick my buckle shoe far up your arseholes until you taste the pinched silver! Now GET OUT, before you make me sick!" Scroll to 292.
213
Do you have towels with you? If you do, she takes them from you quietly and gives you a fifty pound note. Scroll to 206. If not then she shoos you out of the bathroom, scroll to 140.
214
Waking up with a pounding headache, you're relieved not to be dead. Regain 2 health points. Deduct 2 drunk (if any). You are in a dark room lit by the moonlight of one small window. There appears to be vases sitting on shelves, tables and counter tops. Cracking one open you see something spill out...sand...nope...ashes. Too bad you don't own a vehicle you could load these urns up and sell them to Harry the Bastard? You smash open all of them and find 1 wedding ring, 3 gold teeth and 10 shillings. Why did the group of men stash you in here? Who knows? Trying the handle you find it to be unlocked, when you leave; it locks automatically upon closing again. You are in a dark hallway, a junction of sort,
scroll to 140.
215
You tell them that you need Mister Bellcrest's biscuits and coffee; they give you a tray of this and a bunch of scalding towels burned black from the scullery. Someone has left a batter of cake in the open, no one is watching you; you could slip something into the mix and walk out?
Eddie has spotted a collage of fancy wines. Test his willpower by rolling 2d6 and compare to his willpower score, if equal to or lower he grabs a bottle and leaves immediately; if the result surpassed his score, he opens the bottle and drinks it quickly before getting tackled to the floor by the caterers, ADD +2 DRUNK! You are banned for life from this kitchen, returning will only get you beaten to death. Scroll to 150.
216
The eight blood hounds dogs nip and bark at you all the way to the front door (lose 2 happy points). If you have any mace, spray them liberally and they will leave you alone (regain the 2 happy points). When you reach the main entrance and ring the doorbell one if the dogs bites you in the right buttock. A tall man probably in his twenties with jet black hair and icy blue eyes replies to the call; he is not the butler, he is better dressed and unimpressed at your appearance. "What the devil do you want?" he asks in a rather unusual French accent.
"I'm the janitor."
"Oh! Excellent!" he invites you in... "I am Victor Bellcrest, soon to be new owner of this estate. We are still preparing for the auction and the guests have not arrived yet, so I'm praying that you will have the lavatories fixed by then?" he gives you a keen eye at this and leans in for a direct answer. You feel obliged to obey him; he seems to have that characteristic about him. "Don't you worry your royal beneficiary? I'll get them fixed before you can say ‘floats' "
"If you weren't a lofty labour worker, I'd slap you across the face for insulting me. Washrooms are upstairs in the south hall." He sneers at you and walks off down some corridor. You are left standing in a grand foyer; there are two marble staircases curving up to the second floor. Scroll to 150.
217
From the moonlight shining in through a small rectangular window, you can make out the name on the third door at the end of the hall, Holmeszip. Do you have the key for this room? Scroll to that reference now. It will not open with picklock skills. The middle door is quite plain and has scratch marks on the base, trying the handle- find there is no handle or keyhole. Looking inside, it is completely bare of furniture. The last door you discover is unlocked, but has broken hinges; you can enter this room by scrolling to 230. Return to the North hall where the staircases begin their descent, scroll to 191.
218
The audience becomes lethargic and grouchy... the staff and guards fall down where they stand and close their eyes... the only one left with sense if you. Swiftly you walk over to the door. If it was poison that knocked them out you have a full mass execution on your hands. If it was razor blades, a few of them are crawling toward the doors on their bellies; it feels like a night of the living dead in here. You slip through the doorway at the rear of the multi-purpose room, and arrive in the area where all the antiques of the house are being kept.
An alarm rings in the house! Do you know what this artefact you're here to steal looks like? Choose 1 from the list and run out before it's too late:
-A statuette of a crystal statue of liberty
-A statuette of a mother of pearl seated woman
-A statuette of a transparent Hindu goddess holding her chest
-A statuette of a zirconium running woman
Grab one and scroll to 185.
219
The story of the fox and the ant; one foggy night the fox trod up the lane until it's little paws were too sore to continue on, he sat down in the thicket for a rest and wished: "feel sorry for me! I wish I had the strength to carry on without a worry in sight!" just then an ant appeared beside him.
"I heard you little fox, little fox. Why would you wish to be what you're not?"
"I only said I wished I had the strength to carry on without worry."
"I can help you then little fox little fox."
"Really? How? You're not even a morsel for my tongue, little bug."
"Surely, you don't know my powers, fox! Do you want your wish or not?"
"Very well, but hurry for I must get home. I have a hen's coup to raid." The fox waited and waited until he gave up waiting; he left from the bush and galloped on like that of a horse... the world grew larger and bigger... his pace slowed down although his little legs were running hard and fast. When he stopped, not out of breath and not worried about anything anymore; he realized he was turned into a red ant with large feelers and an appetite NOT for chickens but strawberry jam.
The moral of the story: be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Return to 180.

[Deleted]

220
If you rolled a 6 or lower, the artefact slips out of your outfit and falls onto the floor after you give the thumbs-up to him. Victor's jaw drops and his eyes narrow. Remove him from your ally's list. He nods once to someone standing behind you and before you can do anything to defend yourself, you are knocked unconscious… Scroll to 212.
If you rolled a 7 or higher, you retire to your room; it is very plain right now, but tomorrow it will be decorated with expensive electronics and a very, very large booze cabinet. Working for Victor Bellcrest is a dream come true, he doesn't even care that you have the artefact on display on your dresser! You buy out the Lamb and Flag weeks later and rename it to Eddie's Lamb and Flag and force Dick the former landlord to wear a maid's outfit and clean out the lavatory. You never hear from Ritchie ever again, which is a good thing. You never have to pay him any rent! As for the legal will of the house? Only Victor has access to it; so if you were ever promised to it. Too bad so sad.

Because of you, Eddie is playing golf every evening with Hedgehog and Spudgun. Eddie is having BBQ T-bone steaks; has a bird for every night of the week and has four red Italian cars to drive drunk around in when he's not serving his master. Your quest ends, but NOT in the way it was supposed to.
221
The statue is sitting on a button, which is hooked-up to an alarm system. Which wire will you snip with your wire cutters?
The orange one first? Scroll to 232.
The white one first? Scroll to 237.
The purple one first? Scroll to 245.
Pull the wires out from their sockets most violently? Scroll to 196.
You can replace the object of choice with another figurine you might have purchased (scroll to 238) or just take the damn thing as is and fight your way out (scroll to 226)?
222
The police arrive. There is no where to run now. You lift up your hands and with batons are beaten to the ground. Looks like you will be going to court. Scroll to 212.
223
Inside one of the cupboards you find an oval frame with the picture of a man trying to grope and kiss a woman. Keeping that for later, you find odd papers and documents but nothing of use to you. Just then, the sound of voices and shuffling feet scare you under the desk. A man and woman emerge from the hallway. They snog and make love on the desk then leave as quickly as that. Whoever they were, you're glad they're gone. Somewhat. They have left behind a tube of SUPERGLUE. Will you examine the picture now? Scroll to 162.
224
You're let in without question. Of course! You are the butler what do they have to fear from the likes of you? The room has portraits, oil paintings and pictures of farm scenery. Taking out your feather duster and not asking where you got it from, you pretend to dust all the items as you browse through them. There are fancy vases as tall as you and as small as a coffee mug. The figurines attract your attention the most; they are sitting on glass counters, upon closer inspection you see that they are sitting on button rigged mechanism. If not, you could simply remove the piece. Do you know what this artefact you're here to steal looks like? Choose 1 from the list and run out before it's too late:
A statuette of a crystal Statue of Liberty
A statuette of a mother of pearl seated woman
A statuette of a transparent Hindu goddess holding her chest
A statuette of a zirconium running woman
Scroll to 247.
225
No alarm sounds.
Will you cut the white wire now (scroll to 237) or remove the artefact from the counter (scroll to 169)?
226
The guards come in and start shooting up the room with mega gun power. Splinters of great portraits destroyed in your honour rain across the room. Glass explodes and pieces of the ceiling come down in a flood. Crawling across the floor still clutching the artefact, you slip from under their suspicion; they are too busy shooting up a storm. The multi-purpose room or ballroom as the royals prefer to call it is in a chaotic state. Either about forty people have fainted or died, or it must have been the food. There's panic and screams everywhere as you run into the midst of it. Scroll to 185.
227
The entire house seems to have lifted off its foundation... you've blasted half of the house apart! How WILL you ever find the artefact in that mess now!? The room you were trying to get in to has a collapsed second floor sitting on top of it. Thinking the artefact is not quite worth it now, you turn around a make ready to run, but the guards tackle you to the ground and hold you there until the police arrive. Scroll to 212.
228
Using your special key, you slip into the dark and dusty room. Mister Bellcrest is asleep... he wakes up at the sound of you placing the silver tray on his end table. Since you're the butler; he highly trusts you and lifts the sandwich to his lips. Feeling guilty, will you warn him that Victor Bellcrest put a particular ingredient in it? Scroll to 255.
Otherwise, you watch him eat the sandwich and afterwards; he writes you a fat check for three hundred pounds. HOW kind he is, is he not? Without another word, you return to the kitchen to discuss your so-called salary with what's-his-face. Scroll to 246.
229
Turning on your flashlight to see through the gloom, you walk on through thick watery mud for a couple of meters; the smell of shit is getting ever more powerful. The sound of rumbling can be heard somewhere above you. Pacing your steps onward a tidal wave of brown water splashes on you from a grill above, a rat leaps on your shoulders and bites your ear. ADD rabies to your list. Not being able to take this anymore, you trudge back to the junction. Scroll to 210.
230
When you push the door open a loud shriek echoes down the hall. The hinges of the door are very rusty. It is so loud that the dogs outside begin to start barking. Inside, you see a grand bedroom; it smells like perfume in here. On the dresser, you find a wooden box filled with oil vials. Roll 2d6 and compare the results to Eddie's willpower. If equal to or less, he adds them to his inventory for later. If the result exceeded his score, he drinks all of the bottles and throws them over his shoulder. ADD +2 DRUNK. Searching the room, he finds nothing of interest except a woman's pair of knickers, which he puts in his pockets. There’s a chest full of old porcelain dolls (if you possess a Cinderella doll, you can add it to the bunch and ADD 5000 HAPPY POINTS) and a heart-shaped key with useless origin. Eddie leaves the room, pulling the noisy door close behind him. Scroll to 217.
231
Three security guards arrive and try to pull the dogs off of you; you are so desperate to get this artefact you'll stop at nothing to get it! The police arrive and jump on you and with all of this dead weight on you, you walk forward, arms out-stretched and grab another statue from its place. To you horror, a gust of smoke bursts at your face and electrical surge shoots through your body and into the bodies of everyone else touching you. LOSE 5 health points. All of you scatter across the room- if you are still alive; roll 1d6 against you health if the dice result is equal to or lower you manage to wake up before them and run out of the estate with the artefact, scroll to 266. If the result was exceeding your health, you were knocked out cold and wake up many hours later, scroll to 212.
232
An alarm sounds. Scroll to 185.
233
"Thanks for giving us a hand, Eddie; we still have the desserts to prepare. Can you mix the dough first?"
You are handed five bowls, flour, milk, butter, and berries. You can mix match the food with something atrocious in your list such as lard, dog food or bleach etc... if you have any sleeping pills now's your opportunity to use them.
Mix the cake batter and put them in the oven.
Roll 2 d6,
Equal to or lower than your health and he has succeeded in cooking or baking the food properly.
A result exceeding his health and he has caused some sort of dilemma.
There's no money gain here it's just for having fun:
• The temperature is perfect and the cakes brown in their pans; otherwise they come out black in melted plastic bowls you mixed it in, you put it in the microwave for six minutes until every thing is melted and blended together in one giant bowl
• You whip-up and mix the chocolate mousses until thick; else, they turn out too minty, too watery and too salty
• The blue icing you had to create turned out splendid! Otherwise it turned out lumpy, pen ink was used to dye it
• A fruit bowl with special dressing is yours to smile at; if not, then the fruit is mushy and seeds weren't removed
• Jelly tropical bowls are delightful; otherwise there's something god-awful setting within the pineapple jelly
• All the fruit crepes are fluffy; else, you've added too much brown flour, baking soda and cod liver oil to the mix and rather flattened it out with the palm of your hand instead of a rolling pin
• The fried apple chips are sweet and crispy; if not you've incinerated them to black pits and added more and more ingredients to soak up the inches of grease in the frying pan, until it doesn't look like apple anymore
• You stir-up a good onion soup for everyone; otherwise Jiggyjam tosses a lit cigarette in it behind your back
• You're put in charge of decorating the cake with your famous blue icing (however it turned out) you're applauded in the kitchen! ADD the Diego catering service to your ally list; but if the roll was not in your favour then a single sneeze causes you to lean too much into the top layer... your face is covered in white chunks
Eddie has just spotted bottles of red wine set up for display on a trolley...test his willpower by rolling 2d6, if equal to or less he has sighed a breath of relief and leaves the kitchen. If higher, he pops the corks off of three bottles and downs them quickly before he is tackled to the floor by the others, ADD+6 DRUNK!!! scroll to 195.
234
No one, not even the guards pay attention to you as you enter the room; it is filled with portraits and vases. You can see a couple of figurines sitting on counters. This is the trophy rooms of trophy rooms; Mister Bellcrest is a very stylish man! Just think, in a couple of hours, you'll be just as rich as him. Do you know what this artefact you're after looks like? You can grab any one of the items that's in this room, but upon closer inspection you find the sculptures are hooked-up to a button trigger mechanism. If you had wire cutters, you could easily snip of the wires? Or replace the statuette with another statue you may have purchased? Scroll to 256. If you don't have wire cutters, you will have to grab an item and make the best of it:
A statuette of a crystal statue of liberty
A statuette of a mother of pearl seated woman
A statuette of a transparent Hindu goddess holding her chest
A statuette of a zirconium running woman
Scroll to 226.
235
Jiggyjam pushes the trolley with the cake on it toward the multi-purpose room; he looks stressed and gives you the evil eye as he passes by... caterers are finishing up with the tables waiting in the grand foyer.
"Hey, Eddie!" yells an older man, supposedly the one in charge of all of you, "what are you doing up there? You're needed down here! Take one of those tables in the auction room and start serving this shit to the people. Hurry the hell up, I'm not running a hotdog stand here!"
Rolling your eyes at this, you sigh hard and grab hold of the nearest table. You pull it behind you and bring it into the room, smashing intro an empty back row of chairs and dragging them along with you. The table bangs into one of the pillars and comes to a full stop. Removing the lids, you make sure to flip them off and toss them on the floor-
"Sir!" yells the auctioneer from across the room, "shut... up!" When the auction resumes it's immediately interrupted by a knife banging into a large lid.
"Supperrrrrrr-time!!!!!" you holler at the top of your lungs.
"OH Jesus Christ!" the auctioneer replies and pitches a metal statue through a window behind him. Good. Now you have everyone's attention and they line up, you and Jiggyjam serve them; grabbing the biggest spoon you can find you use it to slop the food onto their gold trimmed plates. The elderly women are appalled at the appearance of some of the food "Sir? You should be ashamed of yourself! This food... well... this swine's slop looks just as I am calling it!"
"Ma'am? I'm terribly sorry but-" Food flutters off your spoon and splashes across her face by accident.
"Eddie!" hollers your supervisor, "get the crepes out of the hot oven! They're still in the hell's kitchen. Don’t worry about the people; I'll take over for you."
Thank goodness for that; you are replaced without delay and can now forget about the stupid crepes and get back on with your mission! Did you put sleeping pills in the food? Scroll to 147. If no, did you rig doors with a bomb earlier? Scroll to 201. If you still own a bomb, there is no time to place it now.

None of these? Scroll to 254.
236
The alarms are ringing in your delicate ears. Everyone is staring at you most absurdly. You pause, "um...it needs to be polished because it's a dirty, dirty thing...I'll just bring it back in a jiffy when I'm done with it in the lavvy alright?" Someone eventually shuts the alarm off and brings peace and quiet again. Scroll to 280.
237
The wire cuts open as easy as snipping a thread with sharp scissors. An alarm sounds. Scroll to 185.
238
The alarm doesn't have time to react as you replace the current artefact with something else that will bear the weight on the button in its stead. Did you buy the trolley from the Green Grocers? Scroll to 258. If you didn't, you will have to hide it under your outfit and crawl back down the shitty pipe, scroll to 253.
239
The alarm doesn't have time to sound as you switch the artefact with another useless statue.
Scroll to 169.
240
You go from having to duck, crawl, to pulling yourself up on your belly and slithering. There are many tunnels. The one you're following has a white arrow pointing upward to the main floor. "What kind of a sewer system do you call this!"
Eddie, I will not answer that one.
So you take the arrow's crude advice and take a tunnel stretching up into utter dimness. There's thick grime on the walls causing you to slip down. Your hands find a metal lid, and with all your strength manage to push it aside letting in the light. You squish up into some room, bringing up with you years of shit build-up, which broadens across over the wood floor; the room you have come up in is riddled with portraits and statues. Covered in the brown excrement you place your hands on your hips and examine this intriguing room. Van Gogh and Mona Lisa imitations watch you; figures sit on glass counters and pretty vases rest on wood tables. Do you know what this artefact you're after looks like? You can grab any one of the items that's in this room. Upon closer inspection, you find the sculptures are hooked-up to a trigger mechanism. If you had wire cutters, you could easily snip of the wires; alternatively, you could replace the statuette with another statue you may have purchased? Scroll to 221.
If you don't have wire cutters, you will have to grab an item and make a run for it. The hole you came out of is regurgitating more sludge, looks like you won't be taking that route again.
-A statuette of a crystal statue of liberty
-A statuette of a mother of pearl seated woman
-A statuette of a transparent Hindu goddess holding her chest
-A statuette of a zirconium running woman
If you didn't, it's time to fight your way through the havoc predicted to come your way! Scroll to 226.
241
"HA!" Comes a voice in the dark hallway. It is Victor Bellcrest. "I should have known you were no good for nothing! Now, give me that key!"
"Um... piss off?"
"Why you incompetent little rat!" He takes a swing at you, but misses thanks to Lady Luck by your side.
Victor Bellcrest Health 12
If you beat him, you hold onto the fancy Celtic key and frantically run up the hall- scroll to the reference number scratched into it. Otherwise, if he kicked your ass all over the place, then you will not be waking up in a hospital but a more familiar setting, scroll to 212.

242
You arrive at the Car Swapping Party. A giant field somewhere in Central Park. Sultry wives of other men are escorting players to their car. You see Spudgun, a tall, out of shape poor blighter with long black hair. He is holding a coil of tickets. "Hey, Eddie?"
"Did they put you in charge again?" You ask.
"Nah, I just came here on the bus."
"I see. What's with the tickets?"
"They're not real, it's a ploy to fool the pigs. I was arrested last week for selling dope to a minor. Anyways, I got some more stuff if you got any Happy Points to exchange with?"
"Yeah,"
Enlightened, he reaches into his jean pocket and pulls out plastic bags with a pill in each, "hurry, I don't want them to see this or else they'll rumble me again. There is only one pill per whatever HAPPY POINTS you gather, you can keep coming back here to load off your happy points (REMEMBER TO SUBTRACT THE AMOUNT YOU ARE GIVING ME) the rule is if you gave me 50 then you must move on to gathering 100 and so forth. All you gotta do is give me your happy points and i'll give you the good stuff. Listen very carefully, you cannot visit me twice with the same amount of points. And you cannot get TWO of the same quantity! I only have 1 quantity each. Come on, Eddie, I've got lil' mouths to feed!"
"You don't have any kids, Spudgun!"
"Yeah, I know, but I will one day."
50 HAPPY POINTS: "I'll give you £500 QUID, but only this once, and no I will not DOUBLE IT even if you have 10,000 points!"
100 HAPPY POINTS: "1 cheat of chance"
500 HAPPY POINTS: +1 charisma, "you can talk clerks into lowering their prices by simply rolling 2d6 and adding a 0 to the result. For example, if you rolled 7 then added 0, you just got a discount of the item or whatever by 70 QUID! Cool, eh?"
1,000 HAPPY POINTS: "Gheez, Eddie, what you've been doin'? I guess I'm all out of things to give you! Here, take this, and trust me Skull-Crusher made the counterfeit dough, so anyone will accept it as real money." Your eyes widen! It's a list of 1,000 allies!!! and spudgun gives you the £500 pound note shaped like a triangle with a picture of the queen's royal jugs on it.
"See you down the pub later, Chopper Hitler. It's mud wrestling week." Spudgun says. Return to 10.
243
She doesn't hear you come in. She is sitting in her ratty chair sorting through a bunch of newspaper clippings of Pheromone Sprays and XXX-related material. She hasn't a clue you are right behind her. you recognize her photo in a couple of those ads, her tattooed thighs make you cringe. You remember how she screwed you over when you stole that Scottish quilt off that man at the fair and told Keith to kill you during mud-wrestling week. No more pretending to get mumps, and no more Keith and Deirdre chasing you up and down Parade Lane with pitchforks… Shrugging your shoulders you move in to kill her like the ps2 Hitman thriller with your bare hands! There is no sound. Afterwards, her phone rings. You answer it with a woman's voice, "'ello? Yaw yaw, it was nothing. I quite enjoy him. It was just sex it was... no sorry, I shouldn't of bothered you kind police folk. Yaw yaw, you know me by now, always phonin’ an stuff! Heheheheheheheheheheh! Sure thing, officers I won't let it happen again....yarr yarr...you too....cheers...."
Do not add her to your dead bodies list, you dispose of her body upstairs with some lime and acid. Remove her as your enemy as well, for this character no longer exists, including the townhouse, it is no longer playable, so ignore it. Remove all your Most Wanted points. Cross-off the CARNAGE LESSONS you needed to get in here, except for the NINJA LESSONS and the sword.
In the kitchen you find a bottle of sleeping pills. A tube of SUPERGLUE. You also find her purse containing 30 quid and a 20 pound credit to the Used Gift Shop off of Fulham Road. There's also an old service revolver loaded with six bullets inside. Slithering out the back door, you pass a vegetable garden in your quick retreat, you may pull out 12 beets and ADD them to your items list. Now leave before Keith comes home and sees you. You hop a couple of fences before stopping at Talgarth Road (scroll to 201) or you can return to your flat (scroll to 10)?
244
Eddie places the sandwich to his lips... then quickly shakes his head back and forth gesturing a big ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!' HOW can he ever forget the pigeon pellets incident? When he and Ritchie tried to poison that burglar who raided the flat some months ago? Looks like you're going to have to force him to eat the sandwich. Roll 2 d6, if the result of the dice are equal to or lower than your health, scroll to 261.
If your roll exceeded his skill score than he stuffs the whole thing into his mouth, chews once and swallows it; putting on a long expression of someone in agony; the lump slides down his oesophagus by force and enters the holed organ called the enanamusgory, scroll to 257.
245
Nothing happens after you sever the wire. Which one will you cut next?
The orange one second? Scroll to 225.
The white one second? Scroll to 237.
Remove the artefact now without cutting anything more? Scroll to 260.
246
"Ah! He returns! I've sent one of my lady friends up to Happlegrognite after you left." Victor Bellcrest happily exclaims. "It appears I can trust you after all! Tonight," he pats you on the shoulder, "not only do you get a double raise BUT you become my close personal friend. Let's talk about how much I will pay you as a permanent employee-" ADD Victor Bellcrest to your ally list if you haven't already.
A black man dressed in a tuxedo and sporting sunglasses comes into the kitchen, he takes Mister Bellcrest to the far end of the kitchen -out of ear shot- and whispers a sentence into his ear. After he leaves, you and Victor give each the silent treatment and then break it with a bout of forced laughter. "Mister Hitler, there appears to be a problem in the ballroom. One of our artefacts is missing. Silly, the damned things that go missing in such a big house eh? I will be busy tonight, but now that my father is dead; I have no worries about the stupid figurine or owing money to big name Persian princes anymore. They will be killed. You are dismissed for the night. Your room is in the north hall beside the library, 5 am bright and early I expect my baby cham." You smile and give him a thumbs-up like a movie reviewer; he does the same back to you. Looks like the two of you are going to be good friends after all or are you? Roll2 d6... and scroll to 220.
247
An alarm goes off! Quickly you put it back on the counter and pretend to dust it. A guard pokes his head in and observes you for a few minutes with squinty eyes. Hmmm... if you had wire cutters or another item you purchased to replace it, you'd be set, scroll to 251. Maybe you could put this artefact inside your coat and make a run for it (scroll to 236) or heave out all the wires from the mechanism and hope for the best (scroll to 259)?
248
An alarm sounds. Scroll to 185.
249
It looks like it's going to be a long run to the main gates. You start your race to freedom; the dogs see you and chase after you. Security guards blow into their whistles. The obstacle courses facing you are grotesque, but what do you expect for a wealthy estate? Think you can make it out of here in one piece? You have to TEST Eddie's health: a roll equal to or lower and he has passed the test. If the result is exceeding his health score, he has failed- remember, you can use Cheats of Chance to pass a test:
TEST 1 Jump over the hedges and land onto the sidewalk not the empty swimming pool on the other end. If you fail, you kill yourself in the fall.
TEST 2 Run through the golf greens without sticking your foot into a gopher hole and spraining your ankle. You wake up not in a hospital, but somewhere else much more familiar, scroll to 212.
TEST 3 If you have any mace or a gun, you can eliminate both guard-dogs biting at your heels! otherwise you will have to test your SKILL against them, and hope that you out-run them. If the roll failed you, the dogs catch up and tackle you to the ground and hold you there most viciously until security arrive. you'll fall unconscious you wake up not in a hospital, but somewhere else much more familiar, scroll to 212.
TEST 4 Now you must zigzag through the tall flower gardens without running into a security guard. Each guard has a health of 6. When you fail a dice roll you run into one of them in the patch, fight with him until you win the battle. They will KILL you if you lose. Roll again to see if you actually got out of the flower garden or encountered another deadly foe.
TEST 5 Arrive at the front gates under the hail of gun fire! will the bullets hit or miss? Each losing roll you receive, a bullets hit you, lose 10 health points! you wake up not in a hospital, but somewhere else much more familiar, scroll to 212. With one successful roll you open the gates and flee!!!!
Did you live and manage to escape? Scroll to 270.
250
The passage eventually ends at locked gate. You do not have a key to get beyond it. Muck is leaking profusely behind the gate and smells awful. Just as you're shrugging your shoulders your right foot steps on something hard and rolls underneath causing you to trip. Reaching to the thick sewage you find a jar of health weed, if you drink it now you will regain 5 lost health points. There is nothing else down this way. Scroll to 210.
251
The statue is sitting on a button, which is hooked-up to an alarm system. Which wire will you snip with your wire cutters?
The orange one first? Scroll to 232.
The white one first? Scroll to 237.
The purple one first? Scroll to 245.
Pull the wires out from their sockets most violently? Scroll to 259.
You can avoid all this and replace the object of choice with another figurine you might have purchased (scroll to 239) or just grab the damn thing and fight your way out (scroll to 236)?
252
Mister Bellcrest is not too enthused about your safe return. "My, my." he proclaims! "You are quite the brave one I must say?"
"I am?" You look over your shoulder twice to make sure it is you he is speaking to.
"I was told by my lady spy that you did not deliver the sandwich?"
Reply:
"Oh mind your own business!" Scroll to 268.
"I wouldn't forgive myself, while portraying your butler, for letting the person upstairs eat it, for you would get into trouble; and I could not allow that to happen to you." Scroll to 290.
253
Thinking this to be your last option of escape, you squish your feet into the thick muck; you suck in your breath and squish the rest of your body into the pipe. Your feet touch solid cement. You are within the facility of the sewer system. Unfortunately, your precious artefact has gotten stuck in the thick sewage in the pipe and didn't make the journey. If you had hair, you pull it out right then and there in a mad rage! Try as you might to dig you way back to it, it's impossible. Just as you begin to leave, the lid above you in the tunnel pops off and an array of flashlights flicker on you. "There he is! Go on, drop it in... drop it in..."
A metal robot plops down in front of you. This is rather unusual! The lid closes again. It hauls itself up and raises its arms at you; its beady black eyes turn red; a red bolt shoots out and misses you by inches. Running as fast as you can the thing hovers above the mud and chases after you. For hours you're lost down there, until the thing runs out of energy and dies. You pick it up and make your way out of the first lid. You come out on Hammersmith Grove. Well, you may have lost your artefact but you didn't come away with nothing. Getting Harry the Bastard to look at the mini robo; he tells you he will give you twenty grand for it. No argument there! You take the money and spend it at Lamb & Flag and fly to Copacabana the next day.
254
If you had a stink bomb, you could run upstairs and toss one over the balcony? Scroll to 274.
Create a distraction with Chinese firecrackers (if you have any)? Scroll to 299.
Con your way into the heavily guarded room with food? Scroll to 288.
Sit down and try to buy the artefact from the posh group, scroll to 205.
255
As he is ready to bite into the sandwich, you slap it out of his grasp... he spits and mutters at you, ‘crazy oaf! What did you do that for!?"
"Sir! It is laced with vinegar and vodka."
"What!?" He stares at you for the longest time. ADD him as your ally if he isn't already. "By God! You saved my life! I am allergic to Vodka! WHO the devil prepared it?"
"Some skinny guy called Mister Bellcrest... my boss?"
"My son! The little snaking bastard! I will remove him from my will... you are a good-hearted lad you are? Here, take this old skeleton key; I don't think you should be working here. If my son ever found out you betrayed him, he will have you killed." He hands you a fancy metal key entwined with twigs and Celtic designs; the number #265 is carved into it. "Use it when you leave this room but NOT before then! Good luck, I should've had you for a son."
Bidding him farewell, you quietly step out of his chamber. Scroll to 241.
256
The statue is sitting on a button, which is hooked-up to an alarm system. Which wire will you snip with your wire cutters?
The orange one first? Scroll to 263.
The purple one first? Scroll to 269.
The white one first? Scroll to 248.
Pull the wires out from their sockets most violently (scroll to 302) you can avoid all this and replace the object of choice with another figurine you might have purchased (scroll to 260) or just grab the damn thing and brawl your way out (scroll to 226)?
257
The sandwich tasted like vinegar and vodka indeed! Usually poisons come odourless and tasteless, so you won't know until a while later if you will be dead soon or not. You stand there in the foyer waiting for this to happen. Your stomach begins to cramp up; it makes loud rumbling noises. A man walking by gives you a look of disgust- running around the foyer clutching your stomach your intestines bubble and collapse, letting out a foul hot warbled load into your trousers. If you were stuck wearing red flares, it howls and flies off back upstairs leaving you only in your underwear. if you aren't wearing red flares -just your butler pants- then you've just shit them. You bottom is sagging crudely and there's a deadly cloud of pollution surrounding you. So, what will you do now, you filthy sod? Will you return to the kitchen and tell him you delivered the sandwich to Happlegrognite (scroll to 252) or try to make your escape out of the mansion (scroll to 101)?
258
This just might bloody work. The guard standing by the door scratches his head as you roll the trolley out of the room; the look on his face is a confounded one. He doesn't remember letting you into the trophy room! Quickly, you tell him it was an awful tip in there- full of puke and Halloween candy. As you continue strolling on the trolley wheels begins to rattle and squeak. People sitting in chairs in this large room are staring at you, but the auctioneer continues to accept bids regardless. Looking over your shoulder; you find that two guards are following you. You mix a batch of water with cleaning detergent and scour out the floor tiles in a room with two winding staircases; someone pushes you in the back of the head while saying, "hey, stupid! You don't use industrial floor cleaner on these Peruvian tiles you moron! Or drink it! What's the matter with you?"
It's one of the guards. So, taking the wet mop or broom you slap him across the face with it. He bends over and screams about his eyes burning. The others drag him away and leave you alone. Now you are free to leave. Scroll to 177.
259
Taking all the wires in your hand you rip them out of the counters. Sparks and electricity puff up into the air and the lights in the house dim a bit before recharging. The guard pops his head back into the room to take a peak at the commotion, but only sees you dusting the counters and nearby paintings. You scratch your testicles with the feather duster and act as if you just noticed him, "ahem! Do you mind? It's psoriasis."
He clears his throat from embarrassment and not wanting to pass off as a perv; exits the doorway.
Scroll to 169.
260
You prepare to make the quick switch of the two items. Are you in disguise as the janitor (scroll to 238) the caterer (scroll to 151) or playing as yourself (scroll to 187)?
261
He throws the sandwich onto the floor; treads heavily all over it then hails you a rude British salute with both hands! Will you return to the kitchen and claim to have delivered the sandwich to Happlegrognite (scroll to 252) or try to make another escape out of this mansion (scroll to 101)?
262
Everyone has eaten their first meal, so if you rigged the food with pills or another very dangerous or deadly ingredient, scroll to 218.
If you rigged one of the doors with explosives, you find to your disgust the detonator is lost! As a guard now, you will have to make a hasty decision. Will you try the door that is heavily guarded (scroll to 234) create a diversion (scroll to 144) or sit down, wait patiently and try to buy the artefact from them (scroll to 205)?

263
The alarm echoes. Dropping the artefact and bumping into everything, you stir up mixed emotions for what's about to happen next. Scroll to 226.
264
You step into the multi-purpose room. The caterers are gesturing for you to come over to the buffet and help them with the food, but you have other plans. Will you try the heavily guarded door now? Scroll to 224.

[Deleted]

265
As you run by a portion of the wall, it glows then darkens again. You run back and the wall glows again... the key... the key is attracting something. You find the keyhole and open a narrow door inward. There's a spiralling staircase descending into dusty cobweb infested blackness. Quickly you run down them and trip over your own feet, the steps are too small and seem to be growing smaller. You tumble head over feet, feet over head all the way to the bottom. You come out a panel on the side of the house and the key crumbles. "Well, that was a strange experience." You begin to close the panel and find that you are next the main entrance. Scroll to 101.
266
You leave the grounds of the Bellcrest estate for good, you hope. Nothing but you and the artifact stands in your way... quickly you run to Spudgun and Hedgehog's, together the three of you pawn off the artifact. Just as Harry the Bastard is about to hand you eighty thousand pounds in cash, the police arrive and beat the three of you to the floor. You're handcuffed and lead outside,
"I demand to see my lawyer!" You holler.
"Yeah, me too!" Hedgehog yells in succession
"And me too, if I have one?" Spudgun says gently.
"SHUT UP!" the officer yells. "We received a phone call by an anonymous caller that one of YOU three STOLE a precious item from Bellcrest!"
Eddie slows down, "hang on a sec, that wasn't us!"
"WHO was it then?"
"Richard Richard... my flat mate over on Parade Lane 11; I overheard him vouch for it this morning... I thought he wouldn't go through with it though being the great loony that he is? But you see, the pigs' get us mixed up all the time! It's actually not me you're truly after? My friends will tell you that too!"
They both agree.
"Then WHAT was that thing you were selling in the broker?"
Hedgehog quickly replies for you. "Oh! That was a lamp shade."
"I thought it was a marijuana roach holder?" Spudgun asks him.
"No, that one was made of a tin can-"
You're set free. The three of you go back into the pawnshop to Harry the Bastard's dismay. He gives you your money.
"Here, Hedgehog, HAVE 30 thousand pounds!" Eddie happily cries out, "Spudgun! HAVE 25 thousand quid!"
"Excellent! Let's all go down the pub and drink it up before the wives come looking for us!" Dave Hedgehog orders.
"NO!" Eddie shouts, "Let's buy out Lamb & Flag first THEN drink before your wives come looking for us!"
"Good idea; sorry, I wasn't thinking straight there for a second."
"Nor was I-"
"Let's go."
267
Nothing happens.
Are you in disguise as the janitor (scroll to 238) the Caterer (scroll to151) or as yourself (scroll to 187)?
268
His reaction is laughter; the complete opposite of what you expected. His face is blushed from laughing so hard at your abrupt attitude, "I swear I never would see the day when the help talk back!" He stops his outburst and grabs you by the shoulder, "you're not really a butler are you?"
"None of your business- again?"
"It is my business..."
"And I am a butler!"
"Then you would have delivered that sandwich!" He nods to someone standing behind you, and before you can react something knocks you over the head. You wake up hours later, not in the hospital, but a place much more familiar, scroll to 212.
269
No alarm sounds.
Which wire will you cut second?
The white one? Scroll to 248.
The orange one? Scroll to 285.
Decide not to cut any more and remove the artefact (scroll to 226) or rip out the wires in a mad rage (scroll to 296)?
270
A cop car crashes through the gates, knocking them off their hinges; you run up over the vehicle blocking the path and exit the grounds of Bellcrest, hopefully for good this time.
Did you steal the statuette of a Hindu Goddess? Scroll to 283.
If not, whatever you grabbed you immediately take it to Harry the Bastard and he gives you 500 pounds for the item. Immediately afterward you use 300 to bet on Speedy Gonzales and lose all of it, and the rest you drink off at the Lamb & Flag. It was a long day indeed, and you never intend to go out on another adventure for the fun ever again, unless you're drunk enough too.
271
Drops are falling on your cheeks in a rapid succession... "Hi, baby... still want more of me do ya deary? Well come on over then!" Eddie whispers with a smile on his face... he is still asleep. A clap of thunder wakens him. His eyes open and a hang-over seems to put him in an irritable state. "Bollocks! It was only a dream." He gets to his feet, soaked through and a bit wobbly. Looking around, he recognizes the street as East Parade Lane, "blimey! How the hell did I get here?"
Just as he is about to leave his toe stubs into an object. The artefact! You have it! Eddie can't conceal his joy. "Quickly, let's pawn it off at the pawn shop and drink our merry way down the Lamb & Flag!"
You are the player of this literary game, do you agree?
If you do then Eddie buys you whatever you want on the tariff and menu at the pub. Merry Christmas and Happy Halloween! Your adventure ends soundly.
If you disagree and think Eddie should put the money toward something more worthwhile. Roll 2d6. If Eddie gets an equal to or lesser dice result compared to his WILLPOWER score, scroll to 301.
If the result exceeded his current WILLPOWER, the artefact falls onto the road and shatters; then all the shards wash down into the sewers before he can rescue any. Once again Eddie is left penniless in his life and cries with his face in the gutter, but at least he got out of the estate safe and sound.
272
Before you go upstairs, let the author of this game interject with a bit of advice for you- when you step onto the second floor -even for a millisecond- time will have jumped forward downstairs. You will not be able to explore the main floor again after that. So, still want to go upstairs (scroll to 191) otherwise (return to 150) and decide where you want to go next.
273
You enter the trophy room. There are many pictures, vases and ornaments in here all ready for auction. You spot a couple of statuettes sitting on glass counters. You notice upon closer inspection that they are hooked up to a wire mechanism. Do you know what this artefact you're supposed to steal looks like? If not you will have to take a guess and add one of these to your list:
A statuette of a crystal statue of liberty
A statuette of a mother of pearl seated woman
A statuette of a transparent Hindu goddess holding her chest
A statuette of a zirconium running woman
If you purchased any wire cutters, you can try snipping the wires, scroll to 256.
If you bought a replica doll at the antique shop, you may try replacing the artefact with the replica, scroll to 151.
Pull the wires out from their sockets most violently (scroll to 65) or just grab the damn thing and brawl your way out (scroll to 226)?
274
You run upstairs very quickly. On the second floor you head for the balcony that overlooks the multi-purpose room. No one has noticed you left. Mercilessly you toss it up over the banister... and wait... There is a nasty explosion, which knocks you into the wall. You're beginning to wonder if it was a stink bomb or not? The entire room is shrouded in smoke that stinks like an old Medieval French town. Looking over the railing you can see a few people moving about down there; the room starts up in panic now and gunshots riddle the foggy air, bullets hitting the wall behind you. You crawl over to the doors leading back out onto the landing, and quickly descend the stairs. When you stumble all the way to the bottom of them, you see that the foyer is smoky too. Caterers and other staff members are running about in fright. Quickly without further adieu to this charade, you run back to the room that was heavily guarded earlier. People are coughing, vomiting and crying. The smell of poo is quite powerful. If they used your bathroom at least once they'd have nothing to cry about and be used to the stench just like you! Scroll to 176.
275
He doesn't expect it and you knock him out cold. Quickly, you hide the body in a refrigerator... alive or not. "Quickly! There's NO TIME!" Eddie shouts at you (the reader) and slams the fridge door with a loud bone crunching slam!
A woman dressed in a long peachy gown strolls in carrying a cast iron frying pan, if you've been to the guest room; you recognize her immediately. "What do you think you are doing to my lover?" She asks in a whispery Frenchy sort of accent.
"Um... we were going to eat him for brunch tomorrow... he insisted."
"Liar!" She forcefully whispers as if out of breath. "How could you!"
Mademoiselle Vampyre Goddess Health 4
If you somehow lost to her, she thwacks you repeatedly over the noggin; the sound of the frying pan hitting your head attracts security. Scroll to 212.
If you win against her and her pitiful frying fan, scroll to 101.
276
There's nothing wrong about the floors, but you scrub at it anyway with whatever mixture you have. You watch the auction from the doorway. Do you know what this artefact you here to steal looks like? Make a quick note of one of the items to your list before going to the number. So far, all that was sold in your interest was:
A bronze bucking bronco sold to an old retired couple, scroll to 287.
A large moose head sold to a tall scrawny young man with curly hair, scroll to 284.
A statuette of a Hindu goddess sold to two Arabs, scroll to 293.
Antique porcelain doll sold to a little girl, scroll to 281.
Antique wall clock sold to a lesbian couple, scroll to 289.

277
Nothing has changed in the multi-purpose room. The auction is still emanating as if the explosion didn't happen. On a good note, the metal doors you placed the dynamite on have been knocked off. Quickly, you get up and run over to where you put the explosive; inside the dusty room, the one that was so heavily guarded is a mess of old relics and valuables. mostly thrown across the room. There's an item sparkling underneath the rubble is a statuette of a woman carved with her arms hugging her chest, a Hindu goddess is it. Picking her up and brushing her off, you see shadows arriving in the dusty clouds. There's a broken pipe in the floor spurting with thick sewage; you simply have no choice, you will have to squish your way into the pipe (scroll to 253) or run out of the closed door on the far end of the room (scroll to 185)?
278
You find the door unguarded. Scroll to 273.
279
Immediately upon seeing you, a guard grabs you by the arm and takes you into the multi-purpose room, "what the hell were you up to commoner?" He forces you sit down on one of the chairs and stands nearby. He doesn't seem to trust you, so you must pretend to show interest in the auction for a while. After a time, he leaves you alone. These are the options you have left: since you are not really playing any of the major objectives, do you know about the old man's secret closet? If so, scroll to 294.
Did you place something in the food earlier and are waiting for the effects of that? Scroll to 218.
Dynamite or C4, if you have any of this; you can use it to rig one of the doors in the foyer (unless you have already), scroll to 161.
Booze, if you have any of it in your list you can make yourself +9 drunk (if you're not already) and create a diversion as a drunkard, scroll to 144.
Sit down patiently and actually try to purchase the artefact from the auctioneer, scroll to 205.
Give up and go home, scroll to 286.
281
ADD the description of the artefact you stole to your list. Hiding it in the lining of your kit, you briskly walk out of the room; As you step into the grand foyer someone grabs you by the shoulder and yanks you aback; it's Victor Bellcrest, "where are you going in such a hurry?"
"To drive the Limo into the pool! Where else would I be going?"
"Before you do that, there's unfinished business I need your help with?" He doesn't let you go and drags you along with him. You're lead into the kitchen where he prepares a sandwich, picks up a vial filled with clear liquid and sprinkles the tomatoes with the odourless content. He hands you the tray of food, "Good, now take this up to the Happlegrognite room. When you are done, return to the kitchen and we'll start negotiating your salary. Worked for royalty before you claim? HA! You'll love it better at Bellcrest estate, there's something about your personality I admire; as my employee I believe we are going to make a perfect team. In my care, you'll never scrounge around for pennies ever again! How does that sound?"
"Yeah but you put something on this!"
"Vinegar with a touch of vodka. now hurry up or I'll fire you right here and then have you beaten you to death!"
"Right O!" Spinning on your heel you march out of the kitchen with the tray. You hear him tell you he was only jesting about the beating you to death charade. Laughing like a crazed madman, you carry the tray over to the grand foyer. Now what?
You could deliver the tray to the Happlegrognite room (scroll to 228) leave the tray on the staircase and make your escape once again (scroll to 101) or eat the sandwich, return to the kitchen and declare you delivered it (scroll to 244)?
281
The little girl's clutches are like steel vices. There’s no way you can pull the doll away from her. She lets out a massive shriek and all the glasses and windows in the room shatter. Security guards grab hold of you and hold you down until the police arrive. You pass out because of the screaming of the girl. Scroll to 212.
282
Tsk, tsk, tsk! in the end ALL of your enemies get even with you; they lift you up high like a martyr, but not quite and carry you off out of the court house. You are handed over to a bunch of grubby sailors, who spare you from being hanged 18 century style like in some old Dickens novel. Do you have untreated rabies? Scroll to 166.
If not and you had anything in your possession, your enemies rob you dry of it all. You will be serving out a few years in the Navy, by then, you would have been converted into a sailor too and the love of land roving is a thing of the past.
283
Harry gives you 80 thousand pounds! You're beside yourself with utter astonishment; who'd a thought? Quickly you call up Spudgun and hedgehog; together the three of you take the first plan to Bangkok and drink the rest of the money there. Eventually stranding yourselves and having to call Hedge's wife to come get you.
284
"What in the Samhain blazes do you think you're doing!?" he shouts at you as you both play tug of war with the moose head. "Get... off...my... moose!"
Tall fawlty man health 6 (all you need do is beat his score only once) he seems awfully desperate to keep it. If you lost the first roll the antler slips from your sweaty grasp and you fly into a bunch of chairs. You're held there by security until police arrive to collect you, scroll to 212.
If you win this great tug O war! Scroll to 177.
285
No alarm sounds. Do you want to cut the white wire now (scroll to 237) or remove the artefact (scroll to 267)?
286
What a sorry waste of a sad, orphaned life. Eddie walks home with his hands in his pockets, head hanging low, and kicking pebbles along the rain drenched sidewalk. I'm sorry that you decided to call it quits. Perhaps you will try again later?
287
You run passed them and grab hold of the bronco; they won it for 50 quid. It's quite heavy too, but might sell for a pretty penny at the hockshop. Whistles toot behind you but you run as fast as you can through the house. Scroll to 249.
288
If you purchased any treats such as lemon tarts from Purrfectly Priced, food from Diego hotel, Seafood Plaza or the Green Grocers; you will be able to bribe your way in, but there are 3 guards- you will need any 3 equal items for each man. For some reason, they don't want to share the smorgasbord of food the caterers prepared and throw it on the floor. The guards are starving and while they argue over the food that you gave them, you manage to slip into the room unnoticed. Scroll to 273. If you seriously don't have any good food for these gentlemen then you will have to find another plan. Return to 254.
289
The lesbians aren't too pleased that you're trying to steal the clock they won for 300 quid. The one seems quite brutish.
Lesbian butcher health 5
If you manage to overcome her, add the clock to your list and scroll to 117.
If you lost, she and her wife kick the crap out of you until security stops them, and you pass out. Scroll to 212.
290
"How touching, oh so very touching, mister butler! But quite frankly I don't trust you anymore." This is his answer to your ass-kissing remark. "Sugar coat me all you want with those well-placed words like the rest of you ass-kissers below stairs. The fact remains, you have betrayed me."
Well, so much for that ruse.
Maybe you should give him a laddy good punch for such a smart tongue (scroll to 275) or wait around and see what his next intention is (scroll to 300)?
291
Harry the Bastard offers you 50 quid for the item. You may sell of any other items you own, and when Eddie invites you to drink with him, YOU the reader pause; if you agree, he buys you a drink at the Lamb & Flag and drinks the rest of his money to himself.
292
You are congratulated on your successful court appearance. The hot lawyer gives you her phone number. Do you have the Hindu Goddess in your possession? Scroll to 283. If no, but any other item from the estate, scroll to 291. If you came out empty-handed, all is not lost; you still have your life and your freedom to look forward too. Game over.
2
You hide in one of the cubicles and wait for the Arab who stuck your head in his spit; he comes in to use one of the urinals. You dump a bunch of water behind him and when he is done, he does a fancy dance in the puddle and finally slips. The Arab knocks himself out cold. Above all, it looks like it was an accident and not intentional. Oh well, so much for him. ADD the Hindu goddess statuette to your list and scroll to 177.

294
Whether you grabbed a glass bottle of Chloroform; a vial of salmonella; a vial labelled hydrochloric acid; a vial of Cyanide it still instils fear. You hold it up and threaten everyone with it! An old woman stands up to your hostility, "that looks like water!"
"Smell it!" You top off the cork and give the old bag a whiff; after smelling it she twirls on one heel and faints on the spot. "Water, indeed!" You step forward, "It's very potent stuff, one drop of it, and this whole place will go up into one giant mushroom cloud!"
Everyone lines up to smell the ingredient in your vial. Appalled by their ignorance you let them! And eventually, everyone in the multi-purpose room has collapsed on the floor at your feet. Well then, there's nothing much left to now then head to the room that was once heavily guarded. "Water? I don't believe such lack of knowledge; you'd figure the English would know better?" Scroll to 273.
295
Nobody pays any attention to you. As you pretend to sweep up the floor, two large Arabs push by you and head into the multi-purpose room. One returns, spits on a tile, grabs you by the head and forces you to the floor! The gob is wiped off with your forehead. "Ah! Very clean British person...good job... but NOT as clean as my country, so go and clean out the toilet now." After the brute is finished having his way with you; you decide now what you're going to do next:
You can mop up the lavvy in the multi-purpose room, scroll to 276.
Did you place something in the food earlier and are waiting for the effects of that? Scroll to 218.
Dynamite or C4, if you have any of this; you can use it to rig one of the doors in the foyer (unless you have already), scroll to 161.
Booze, if you have any of it in your list you can make yourself +9 drunk (if you're not already) and create a diversion as a drunkard, scroll to 304.
Sit down patiently and actually try to purchase the artefact from the auctioneer, scroll to 205.
Give up and go home, scroll to 286.
296
Taking all the wires in your angry grasp, you yank them as hard as you can out of the glass counter. There's no sound of an alarm- as you sigh a breath of relief and grab the artefact of choice and the counter explodes. Shards of glass fly everywhere, all of the paintings, vases shatter, and the room fills with smoke. The walls are on fire and you're sitting somewhere in the rubble. You try to rise up and stand on both feet again, dizzy, seared, but still clutching the artefact, and mangled wires in your grasp. The door busts open and five security guards charge in; you stagger like an evil dervish and collapse into a burning picture of Mona Lisa; they open fire blindly into the room and kick at everything in sight. Women are screaming and men are hollering- all hell has broken loose in the estate. After falling to the floor you pass out. Scroll to 271.
297
One guard picks it up and hands it to you. "You dropped this, sir."
"Oh, thanks; I really hope I don't lose it again." You walk off...
"And a jolly good evening to you too, sir," They wish at you.
You finally leave the Bellcrest estate for good!
"Astonishing! Okaye dokaye, what should I do with it?" Eddie asks of you, the reader, the player. "I think I should pawn it off at Harry the Bastard and drink it up at the Lamb & Flag?" If you agree, Eddie buys you whatever you want down the pub. After all, Harry the Bastard gave him 80 thousand pounds! If you disagree and think he should put the money toward something more meaningful, scroll to 301.
298
No one cares you posses the artefact. You merrily skip through the gates of Bellcrest hopefully for the last time. Quickly you run to get Spudgun and Hedgehog, all of you go to Harry the Bastard and negotiate a payment for the artefact. Harry gives you 80 thousand pounds!
"Here, Spudgun, have 25 grand!"
"Hedgehog, have 30 thousand pounds!"
Hedgehog is beside himself with glee, "great, thanks, Eddie chopper!"
"Ah, ah, ah- Eddie butler from now on..."
"Oh right, sorry."
Spudgun belches, "I just had a wonderful idea, let's all go down to Curries and give the strippers 10 thousand and then go and buy out the Lam' & Flag after we're drunk!"
"Yeah! Good idea Spudgun," Hedge exclaims, "hey, I really wish I would have brought my cam-corder."
"Why? To make a film of our glorious moment?" Eddie replies with a smile.
"No, to sell it. Remember? I mentioned it yesterday?"
"Hey!" Spudgun is pointing at YOU, "who's that?"
Eddie steps forward kinda laughing, "oh! I almost forgot; this is the person who helped me nick the Bellcrestian artefact... nice bloke no doubt."
"What if he's a girl?" Hedge replies most concerned. "Girls play games too don't they?"
"Well then, she is more than welcome to join us to a drink?" Eddie answers most excitedly.
Everyone agrees!
"Excellent! Okay dokey, what should we do with our money then?" Eddie asks of you, the player. "I think we should drink it up at the Lamb & Flag?" If you agree, Eddie buys you whatever you want down the pub. After all, the artefact was worth 80 thousand pounds!
If you disagree and think he should put his money toward something more meaningful. He yanks the money out of your Godly invisible clutches; places a boot into your gut and punches you in the nose- Eddie leaves you to soak up rain on the damp sidewalk, "put it toward charity and a big house for myself? You stupid git this is my life savings! How else am I going to stay a drunken hound everyday and travel to the West Indies later on?"
"What a bastard?" Hedgehog tells Eddie about you.
"Nothing more than a baked bean he is!" Spudgun exclaims.
"Bird or bloke... no one takes my penny and runs off."
They walk away whistling to the tune of The Good Life... Hopefully you wake up before the street patrol arrive; they don't take too kindly to scraping adventurers off the street.
Cheers!
299
You light up all the firecrackers and toss them into a sizzling fish fillet... the outcome is more disastrous than colourful. There's a huge fireball explosion which catches most of the pillars on fire... a grease fire has jumped everywhere! Everyone begin to panic and choke. You try to fan out the mess but the fire grows bigger. Someone hands you a fire extinguisher and on purpose you knock out a few nearby guards investigating. The extinguisher bursts open and all the white foam spurts all over the place; you try your best to avoid the fires and rather spray the people instead. You can try the door that was once heavily guarded now? Scroll to 278.
300
He nods to someone who is standing behind you. You don't have time to react before you're hit over the head with a heavy object. You wake up to find out that you are in a very familiar place, not the pub, not the hospital or the window of Barbarello's Women's Fitness Centre, but a courtroom. Scroll to 212.
301
He yanks the artefact out of your Godly invisible clutches; places a boot into your gut and punches you in the nose! Eddie leaves you to soak up rain on the damp sidewalk, "put it toward charity and a big house for myself? You stupid git this is my life savings! How else am I going to stay a drunken hound and travel to the West Indies later on?"
Eddie walks off whistling to himself the tune of The Good Life. Hopefully you wake up before the street patrol arrive; they don't take too kindly to scraping adventurers off the street.
302
Are you in disguise as the janitor (scroll to 196) the caterer (scroll to 65) or as yourself (or a.k.a nazi Eddie or electrician) (scroll to 296)?
303
You must be able to get to a +9 level of drunkenness somehow; Or already be this intoxicated. Otherwise you will have to choose a different option.
You stop mopping the floor. "What do I look like to you people?" You throw the mop down and stagger about, resting on the nearest individual and suddenly consider his wife, "Hey," you nearly shout pointing in her face an accusing finger. "Didn't I see you at Lily Linneker's love Bureau?"
"Do you mind, sir?" yells her husband. "That is my wife you are speaking to!"
"Well, yes. I know that because I saw her profile-!" *hiccup*
The jolly fellow stands up and punches you in the jaw and insults you with "go lick a lavvy bowl, you RUPERT PINCH-BUCKLED WANKER!"
Wiping the blood off your fat lip you cuff him back, his wife stands up, you cuff her too! Three people stand up to confront you and you quickly box them off! The security guards finally grab hold of you and halt all this meaningless violence.
"You can't treat me like this!" You yell. "This is an outrage! I am the special guest of honour! I am Lord Hitler!"
"Who shit in your Corn Flakes this morning?!" one the security guard's bellows out at you.
"That's…how did you know about that?" This really did happen to you one morning. "Were you there?"
"Shut it!"
"What?"
"Get back to work or I'll can your ass!"
Your confused as to where this conversation has gone and shrug your shoulders. He grabs the mop you were using and sticks the end up your trousers most crudely- looks like your drunkenness ruse hasn't quite paid off.
Did you place something in the food earlier and are waiting for the effects of that? Scroll to 218.
Dynamite or C4, if you have any of this; you can use it to rig one of the doors in the foyer (unless you have already), scroll to 161.
You can mop up the lavvy in the multi-purpose room, scroll to 276.
Sit down patiently and actually try to purchase the artefact from the auctioneer, scroll to 205.
Give up and go home, scroll to 286.

[Deleted]

MAP

[thealmightymudworm]

Thanks for this Tammy!
It looks pretty impressive, and it’s great to have something on here to mark Rik Mayall’s passing. I’ll give it a go over the next day or two.

For anyone who isn’t familiar with Bottom, brace yourself...


(includes classic chess scene before inexplicable merging with Doctor Who)