Post by a moderator on May 19, 2016 16:49:10 GMT
Either the search function here has some serious flaws, or we don't yet have a thread for Ian Livingstone's mini-series of dumbed-down FF for readers who hadn't even been born when TWoFM came out. That's actually a little surprising, as I know that the books do have some fans here.
My playthroughs of the first two books in the series survived the destruction of the previous FF forum thanks to the Wayback Machine, so here they are, starting with Darkmoon's Curse:
And The Demon Spider:
As you may have gathered, I'm not exactly a fan of the books. Still, I will concede that they're better than the other child-targeted gamebook series I own, the F.E.A.R. Adventures. And Darkmoon has more personality than Razaak.
My playthroughs of the first two books in the series survived the destruction of the previous FF forum thanks to the Wayback Machine, so here they are, starting with Darkmoon's Curse:
Time for another divergence from the main range, as the gap between FF books 58 and 59 saw the publication of Ian Livingstone's 'FF for ickle kiddies' series The Adventures of Goldhawk. Around a year after I completed my collection of the regular run, I came across a listing for the first two Goldhawk books on eBay and, apparently having learned nothing from Ian's last few books, decided to give them a go. And after playing the first one, Darkmoon's Curse, my enthusiasm for the series was so great that I still haven't actually attempted book 2 almost eight years on.
If I remember rightly, my first death was a bog standard 'meet a Vampire, have no garlic' scenario. But my first attempt at the book ended where Ian failed to consider all the possibilities. I went into a shop (Of course there's a shop. At least this one was somewhere a shop had a decent reason to be.) and went for the 'trade items' option, as I had a ring that hadn't been of any use. And got told, 'If you want to trade [thing I didn't have], turn to blah. If you want to trade [different object I didn't have], turn to bleh.' And that was it. No 'if you want to trade the ring'. No 'if you have neither of these items'. So there was nowhere I could go, and I just gave up.
No character generation this time round, as there's only one attribute (Skill) and that's pre-determined. And the series title is actually massively inaccurate, because the eponymous Prince Goldhawk spends the entire book in a coma, having consumed some poisoned soup in the intro. Our hero is actually the reader of the book, who gets Grail Quested into the land of Karazan (and randomly transformed into an exact double of the prince) by Marris the bland wizard.
Not massively surprisingly, I have sidekicks. There's Orlando the ex-Dwarf, who attempted this adventure first, but fell for one of those tree traps that Ian thinks are such fun, as a result of which the dragonfly-eating villain Darkmoon forced him to drink a noxious brew of things likely to make a six year-old giggle, which transformed him into a tin pig. Yeah, whatever. As I recall, he's not as annoying as Littlebig, but his personality is more a product of Russ Nicholson's artwork than Ian's writing. It's not spelt out, but I'm guessing that my other sidekick used to play guitar for a prominent Irish rock band before Marris summoned him to try and save the kingdom, and after some shenanigans involving a Shapechanger and/or a Boulder Beast, Darkmoon did something juvenile to transform him into a sentient sword. His name's Edge.
Anyway, we need to head off to Maggot Manor, Darkmoon's place, to recover the stolen crown that is required for the coronation of Prince Not Appearing In The Book Any More. Before long, Orlando and Edge are arguing because that's what happens when Ian gives you more than one sidekick, and then we reach a river. Tin pigs can't swim, and as I don't have the option of ditching Orlando, we have to use the bridge. Which is guarded by a nutter in spiked black armour (to which Nicholson has added pretty patterns in blue and gold to make the picture more interesting/less scary/clash with the text). He wants half my money, but I'd dather lop his limbs off, Monty Python and the Holy Grail-style.
The combat system is pretty simple, as a result of which I win the fight with a single roll. Continuing on my way, I reach a junction, and a crow stops by to tell me I need to get the Golden Hand wristlet from the Howling Tunnels before confronting Darkmoon. But the signpost points to Longshadow Forest and Vanish, neither of which is the Howling Tunnels, and I happen to remember that taking the wrong turning here guarantees failure, because when Ian decided to simplify FF for the youngsters, he didn't see the need to abandon one-true-pathism.
Heading for the daftly-named village (twin towns Persil and Cillit Bang), I get into conversation with a local known as Sad Sam (who, mercifully, does not resemble the plush toy of the same name). He reveals that things constantly go missing here. Indeed, just today he has lost three items, which are concealed within the accompanying illustrations, and about as difficult to find as the words from this sentence that start with 'i'. In exchange for 4GP, I get to keep whichever of them I can find, so that's his housekey (which has a number on it - hurrah!), a Potion of Invisibility and a different ring to the one that proved so useless in my first attempt at the book.
And the village has worked its baleful influence on my time, so I shall have to return to this write-up later on.
Opponents fought
Dark Knight
***
So, leaving Vanish (and the mystery of why one of its inhabitants appears to be attempting to insert a walking stick into a sealed jar of jam), I have no option but to proceed to the forest. There we see a Gnome on a toadstool, and Orlando sneezes (apparently being made of metal doesn't affect the sensitivity of his nasal membranes) and scares off the bird Ian didn't bother to mention when describing the scene. While initially annoyed, the Gnome perks up when I tell him of my quest, because he's a wizard and a hermit. Not entirely seeing the logic there. But he offers a nebulous reward if we retrieve his Firebird before the Orcs eat it, and I'm pretty sure that refusing this side quest is a good way to get killed, so I whack some Stravinsky into the CD player and go bird-hunting.
We find the bird by finding the Orcs which have already found it. I say 'we', but actually it's Orlando's hypersensitive tin nostrils that do the trick. Another fight ensues, and despite being easier (in theory) than the one with the Knight, it takes a lot longer because the dice are less favourable, but I still get in a killing blow before my opponent can wound me. Following a 'spot the Firebird' puzzle that's a little less easy than finding Sad Sam's lost property, I reunite the Gnome with his pet, and am rewarded with the Untradable Ring of Questionable Usefulness. So I could have dispensed with that side quest after all, but never mind.
Continuing through the forest, we encounter a bald man with an implausibly big axe, who's fighting a Treeman. Both combatants request my aid, and I side with the one who isn't an agent of Darkmoon, who rewards me with a Skill bonus (not an issue here, as there's been no 'you can't exceed your Initial score' warning) and some advice every bit as useful as Nicodemus' suggestions about which two ingredients are actually needed for the Zanbar-Away ointment. Thanks a bunch.
So, I must now go west or east, and the wrong turning is ultimately fatal. I go for the one Ian has been seen to favour in the past... and I think that was a mistake. In this village the locals live in fear of a beast with a set feeding time, and guess when we turn up. Orlando suggests that entering an alley would be a very bad idea, so I enter the alley (the book made that decision for me) and wind up having to fight again. Tougher opponent than the Knight, quicker fight than the Orc.
Further down the road, I reach the shop where my first attempt hit a brick wall, and have to go in even though the sign says 'closed'. The proprietor tells me nothing is for sale anyway, and I suggest a trade instead. He gives me three items in return for one, and then loudly accuses me of robbing him as I leave the shop. Guards come running, and we must flee. Picking the direction I should have chosen last time, I hit a dead end and get knocked out.
Coming round in a cell, I discover that the guards have disarmed me but not taken any of the items I was accused of stealing. Or Sad Sam's key, which just happens to fit the lock to my cell. But my escape avails me little, as it leads straight to that encounter with a Vampire, and I missed the garlic again. This book may be for kids, but Ian's as arbitrarily harsh as ever.
Opponents fought
Orc
Skullbeast
If I remember rightly, my first death was a bog standard 'meet a Vampire, have no garlic' scenario. But my first attempt at the book ended where Ian failed to consider all the possibilities. I went into a shop (Of course there's a shop. At least this one was somewhere a shop had a decent reason to be.) and went for the 'trade items' option, as I had a ring that hadn't been of any use. And got told, 'If you want to trade [thing I didn't have], turn to blah. If you want to trade [different object I didn't have], turn to bleh.' And that was it. No 'if you want to trade the ring'. No 'if you have neither of these items'. So there was nowhere I could go, and I just gave up.
No character generation this time round, as there's only one attribute (Skill) and that's pre-determined. And the series title is actually massively inaccurate, because the eponymous Prince Goldhawk spends the entire book in a coma, having consumed some poisoned soup in the intro. Our hero is actually the reader of the book, who gets Grail Quested into the land of Karazan (and randomly transformed into an exact double of the prince) by Marris the bland wizard.
Not massively surprisingly, I have sidekicks. There's Orlando the ex-Dwarf, who attempted this adventure first, but fell for one of those tree traps that Ian thinks are such fun, as a result of which the dragonfly-eating villain Darkmoon forced him to drink a noxious brew of things likely to make a six year-old giggle, which transformed him into a tin pig. Yeah, whatever. As I recall, he's not as annoying as Littlebig, but his personality is more a product of Russ Nicholson's artwork than Ian's writing. It's not spelt out, but I'm guessing that my other sidekick used to play guitar for a prominent Irish rock band before Marris summoned him to try and save the kingdom, and after some shenanigans involving a Shapechanger and/or a Boulder Beast, Darkmoon did something juvenile to transform him into a sentient sword. His name's Edge.
Anyway, we need to head off to Maggot Manor, Darkmoon's place, to recover the stolen crown that is required for the coronation of Prince Not Appearing In The Book Any More. Before long, Orlando and Edge are arguing because that's what happens when Ian gives you more than one sidekick, and then we reach a river. Tin pigs can't swim, and as I don't have the option of ditching Orlando, we have to use the bridge. Which is guarded by a nutter in spiked black armour (to which Nicholson has added pretty patterns in blue and gold to make the picture more interesting/less scary/clash with the text). He wants half my money, but I'd dather lop his limbs off, Monty Python and the Holy Grail-style.
The combat system is pretty simple, as a result of which I win the fight with a single roll. Continuing on my way, I reach a junction, and a crow stops by to tell me I need to get the Golden Hand wristlet from the Howling Tunnels before confronting Darkmoon. But the signpost points to Longshadow Forest and Vanish, neither of which is the Howling Tunnels, and I happen to remember that taking the wrong turning here guarantees failure, because when Ian decided to simplify FF for the youngsters, he didn't see the need to abandon one-true-pathism.
Heading for the daftly-named village (twin towns Persil and Cillit Bang), I get into conversation with a local known as Sad Sam (who, mercifully, does not resemble the plush toy of the same name). He reveals that things constantly go missing here. Indeed, just today he has lost three items, which are concealed within the accompanying illustrations, and about as difficult to find as the words from this sentence that start with 'i'. In exchange for 4GP, I get to keep whichever of them I can find, so that's his housekey (which has a number on it - hurrah!), a Potion of Invisibility and a different ring to the one that proved so useless in my first attempt at the book.
And the village has worked its baleful influence on my time, so I shall have to return to this write-up later on.
Opponents fought
Dark Knight
***
So, leaving Vanish (and the mystery of why one of its inhabitants appears to be attempting to insert a walking stick into a sealed jar of jam), I have no option but to proceed to the forest. There we see a Gnome on a toadstool, and Orlando sneezes (apparently being made of metal doesn't affect the sensitivity of his nasal membranes) and scares off the bird Ian didn't bother to mention when describing the scene. While initially annoyed, the Gnome perks up when I tell him of my quest, because he's a wizard and a hermit. Not entirely seeing the logic there. But he offers a nebulous reward if we retrieve his Firebird before the Orcs eat it, and I'm pretty sure that refusing this side quest is a good way to get killed, so I whack some Stravinsky into the CD player and go bird-hunting.
We find the bird by finding the Orcs which have already found it. I say 'we', but actually it's Orlando's hypersensitive tin nostrils that do the trick. Another fight ensues, and despite being easier (in theory) than the one with the Knight, it takes a lot longer because the dice are less favourable, but I still get in a killing blow before my opponent can wound me. Following a 'spot the Firebird' puzzle that's a little less easy than finding Sad Sam's lost property, I reunite the Gnome with his pet, and am rewarded with the Untradable Ring of Questionable Usefulness. So I could have dispensed with that side quest after all, but never mind.
Continuing through the forest, we encounter a bald man with an implausibly big axe, who's fighting a Treeman. Both combatants request my aid, and I side with the one who isn't an agent of Darkmoon, who rewards me with a Skill bonus (not an issue here, as there's been no 'you can't exceed your Initial score' warning) and some advice every bit as useful as Nicodemus' suggestions about which two ingredients are actually needed for the Zanbar-Away ointment. Thanks a bunch.
So, I must now go west or east, and the wrong turning is ultimately fatal. I go for the one Ian has been seen to favour in the past... and I think that was a mistake. In this village the locals live in fear of a beast with a set feeding time, and guess when we turn up. Orlando suggests that entering an alley would be a very bad idea, so I enter the alley (the book made that decision for me) and wind up having to fight again. Tougher opponent than the Knight, quicker fight than the Orc.
Further down the road, I reach the shop where my first attempt hit a brick wall, and have to go in even though the sign says 'closed'. The proprietor tells me nothing is for sale anyway, and I suggest a trade instead. He gives me three items in return for one, and then loudly accuses me of robbing him as I leave the shop. Guards come running, and we must flee. Picking the direction I should have chosen last time, I hit a dead end and get knocked out.
Coming round in a cell, I discover that the guards have disarmed me but not taken any of the items I was accused of stealing. Or Sad Sam's key, which just happens to fit the lock to my cell. But my escape avails me little, as it leads straight to that encounter with a Vampire, and I missed the garlic again. This book may be for kids, but Ian's as arbitrarily harsh as ever.
Opponents fought
Orc
Skullbeast
So in an alternate reality I went the other way, made all the other right decisions, got lucky in the really tough fight, and defeated Darkmoon, and could thus proceed to The Demon Spider. Which I got at the same time as Darkmoon's Curse and never actually tried playing, so don't expect much in the way of reminiscences here.
No items or attribute changes carry across from the first book, perhaps because Ian didn't think his target audience could handle such tricky concepts, maybe because it was just easier to start with a blank slate again.
So the real Goldhawk is still comatose, the plebs want their new King, Marris persuades book-me to abandon my old life and get crowned, and Orlando indulges in some slapstick hijinks because, y'know, for kids. Then it turns out that Darkmoon's downfall didn't cause his army of evil to evaporate, and my subjects are still getting thrashed on the battlefield thanks to the enemies' use of Skeletons and terror bubbles.
Marris is going to try and get the Silver Elves to burst the bubbles, while I must find his son, who can crush the Skeletons. You see, back when Marris junior was 16, he drank the contents of several bottles from his father's laboratory and got stoned. In the sense of turning into a human mountain. And now he lives on Sunstone Mountain, and can't survive away from there for more than a day because hey, it's magic (and for kids), so it doesn't have to make sense. And to learn the secrets of the mountain, I must speak with the Queen of Pain, who lives in the Dungeon of Despair (though I believe that since this book she has moved to London and now advertises her services in telephone boxes).
As I set off on my new quest, I tell Orlando and Edge not to call me 'King' or 'Sire' or 'Señor Biggles', but just 'Goldhawk'. Which is presumably supposed to be heartwarming friendshippy stuff, but as I'm not Goldhawk and nor is my character in the book, it just gets a bit creepy. It's as if, not satisfied with writing books that force the readers to do things exactly the way he wants them to, Ian now aims to get his readership to renounce their true identity and willingly assume the mantle of one of his creations. Maybe the mid-nineties collapse of FF was a good thing, preventing Ian from turning the fans into an army of brainwashed slaves to help him conquer the world.
Anyway, not-Goldhawk, Orlando and Edge encounter a two-headed man who couldn't be cool if you immersed him in liquid hydrogen. His heads are arguing about which one gets to do the eating today, and as provisions don't matter in this book, I attempt to bribe him with food. In return for a little meat and money, I get told which way to turn at the next junction, and whom to ask about where to go next. And I receive a violin string, which is made out to be worthless, but this is an Ian Livingstone book, so I'm anticipating having to form a string quartet to succeed. And from now on I shall refer to my character as 'Keith'.
Proceeding to the junction, Keith turns as directed, and reaches a village where fat people hold races. At least it's not another pie-eating contest. Strangely, he automatically seeks out the right person, even though it is possible to reach here without having got the clue from Two-Heads. Fat Jack reveals where the Dungeon is, and mentions that the resident Little People would kill you for a brass button. But apparently not taking any brass buttons won't help, so Keith needs to find the right kind of bribe. A couple of obvious choices (and some needless bickering between companions) later, Keith is back on the road, having acquired a book with a quasi-Borgesian title that's almost certain to prove an essential clue later on. And we all thought finding the combination for Razaak's inner sanctum carved on a rock was implausible...
Plod, plod, plod. Edge and Orlando squabble again, and Ian labels a 'joke' that wouldn't even make it into Deathmoor as 'biting wit'. A Horned Shrieker is not amused either, and attacks. Keith kills it with ease, doesn't get the option of taking the horn, but does loot the Shrieker's lair. Knowing Ian, at least one of the items there is essential, and there's probably something lethal in there too. And only trial and error will reveal what's what, so Keith takes the lot, and when he winds up decapitated or melted or turned into a blancmange at least I'll know what Keith II should leave behind if I ever attempt the book again.
That's enough for now.
Opponents fought
Horned Shrieker
***
And back to The Demon Spider. Finding a trail of flaming footprints, Keith decides to investigate. Wonder if he'll encounter a coughing dragon or a nervous lion. And the source turns out to be a Lava Beast, which has just disposed of a remarkably fireproof sack, and then decides to attack Keith. Dialogue has already indicated that Edge is not best suited to attacking this monster, so it's time to try and find out which item from the Shrieker's lair will convince the Beast to chill out. And, unexpectedly, the 'non-sword' option actually makes a modicum of sense, as Keith actually chucks the contents of his water bottle over Lava boy. And, rather implausibly, that mild splashing is enough to petrify the monster. Still not as random as realising from nowhere that Keith picked up a Ring of Ice/Medallion of Fossilisation/Spear of Shivering/Rope of Temperature Reduction. And the sack of scorch-proofing contains more clutter for the Adventure Sheet.
South now, or return to the trail and then go south? Is this another Deathtrap Dungeon pipe set-up? I'm going to guess that it is, and have Keith retrace his steps. Wise choice, as this leads to a fresh discovery (after an odd bit where Keith broods over mental images of the enemy army, the Queen of Pain (whom he's not seen to know what she looks like) and the villain from the previous book (who was defeated, and ought not to be weighing on Keith's mind any more)), and I can see that the 'ignore the interesting things and walk on' option leads to the same section as the 'go directly south' one did. So before moving on, Keith will investigate the leather bag and presumably fight whatever emerges from the cave. Or the half-buried Skeleton, when it animates.
Ah, the ever-popular 'venomous snake in a bag' trick. Must invest in a few of them for trick-or-treaters. So the useful thing here must be in the cave. And it's a kind of test. Violence, generosity or cowardice? Not a very tricky one, and Keith is rewarded with a choice of rings (or a chance to go for greed and probably hit an Instant Death). The gold ring would have been useful in Crypt of the Sorcerer, but based on the cover illustration (oh, and the title of this adventure), I suspect that the silver one with the web motif will be more useful.
Next, Keith encounters a dodgy-looking trader, and checks out the items on sale. The magic carpet looks like a good way to bypass some essential encounters, but the oddly specific combination of items being asked for in return for it suggests that it's important. Buying everything else will cost almost all the remaining cash, but I still don't know what's vital and what's window-dressing, so I'll take a chance on not needing to spend much more. And the incantation to activate the carpet is... well, at least it's not a thinly disguised number. But doing the a=1 thing on it would make some of the forum members cry.
Travelling by magic carpet saves Keith from having to face Giant Sand Worms (let's hope Leesha didn't flee to this book) and other beasts, and then in a thoroughly unexpected twist, a big flying monster attacks. To survive, Keith must reuse the carpet incantation, and the incorrect option provided is a rather rubbish joke with a connection to one of America's big sports. Unless Ian's read the Mad magazine parody of the film Ghost, in which case it's an obscurely smutty gag. Either way, it's a bit rubbish, and only the most inattentive or goldfish-memoried of readers would have even a chance of getting it wrong.
Not long afterwards, the carpet starts losing height, and has to land. No service stations in sight, and even if there were, delays would be inevitable ("Can't get the yarn. Blimey, who wove this? Right bunch of Thalians!"). Orlando is worried that the party might be heading in the wrong direction, and consequently seeks advice from a nearby ascetic whose body is painted with rainbow designs. And apparently in the world where Russ Nicholson lives, rainbows go green-blue-purple-red-orange-yellow. Rainbow Man refuses to help unless Keith solves a puzzle, which is a variant on the one set by Noy in Trial of Champions, with an added complication based on the number of days in two weeks. Karazanian weeks had better not be a different length from Earth or Titan weeks...
Nope, that works out correctly. Our heroes are teleported to a valley, and decide to investigate a ruined temple because Ian says so. The temple starts to collapse at them, but there's a crystal ball on the floor, which is almost certain to be an essential item, so Keith makes a grab for it and oh joy, Ian's just remembered how much he loves the dice death thing. A 50% chance of getting doomed, but I roll the right sort of number and Keith lives to grab shiny junk another day.
The temple has a cellar. Exploring it is sure to be hazardous. And the only way to avoid some kind of hideous death later on, so down Keith goes. Oh, not so dangerous, as it turns out. The cellar merely contains a locked-up musician, formerly a servant of the Queen of Pain, who was imprisoned when she tired of his playing. Can you guess what kind of instrument he plays, and urgently needs to repair? I'll give you a clue: not an accordion.
Further down the valley are some Little People, who inspire yet more quarrelling between pig and sword. Two of the items acquired during the adventure look like they could qualify as a suitable bribe for them, so Keith hands over the one that's less potentially useful elsewhere. There's nothing to indicate that they are dissatisfied, so the adventurers continue along the valley until a cottage comes into view. Pay it a visit, or guarantee failure by missing more vital crap?
Inside, a non-voluntary donation of gold (even though it is possible to have spent the lot by now) summons a Genie, and one of the boons for which Keith could ask is so stochastic that I feel the need to check the paths not taken prior to this, just to see if I missed a clue that the item named is needed. Let's see... boring Instant Death... different Instant Death... rehash of the Run of the Arrow from Deathtrap Dungeon, which works a lot like the eyeball-eating contest from RtFM... idiotic Instant Death (why bother tying alt-Keith up when his brain's already been fried?)... dreary Instant Death... sadistic Instant Death... tiresome Instant Death... No, unless that was the wrong answer to the puzzle (and Ian arbitrarily threw in a reference to the Rainbow Man just to make it look like the right section), the Wand of Control is The Adventures of Faux-Goldhawk's 'Wrench'. Well, Keith gets one anyway, and also finds a brass scorpion, which is the most 'pick this up and die'-looking item yet, but what the heck?
Later, our heroes encounter the Grim Reaper, and must answer two questions correctly to be allowed to pass. The first one is about a colour, so Ian's obviously seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail. And the second one is 'count the skulls Russ has included in the accompanying picture'. Why not ask something challenging, like "What is your name?"
Keith succeeds, and plods on to the dungeon, where he fights a Goblin, hears a cry for help, investigates and rescues a trapped miner who somehow didn't realise he was in the Dungeon of Despair. The miner offers advice that would almost be a clue about that wand if it were a) more specific and b) offered before the Genie encounter. Helping the miner activates the brass scorpion, which is a (not necessarily lethal) trap after all, but also leads to the acquisition of yet another McGuffin.
Next, our heroes encounter the mouse that Darkmoon was transformed into at the end of the previous adventure, and then get threatened by his ghost, even though he's blatantly not dead, and gloating about returning to normal, wreaking revenge, sequel blah. Keith rummages through his bags and eventually finds the item that will save him this time round, and the ghost of Darkmouse actually says, "Curses! Foiled again!" Come on, Ian, you can do better than this.
Keith and compadres fall into a web, and along comes the Queen of Pain, a human-faced Giant Spider (Nicholson has, with no obvious textual support, made her face green). She insults the tin pig by calling him 'pig face', and prepares to feast on Keith, but item x shrinks her to the size of a coconut, enabling Keith to use item y to force Queenie to spill the beans about Stonehammer. And then he spares her, because obviously an evil, intelligent spider-creature that's only as big as a coconut could never harm anybody, right?
Onward to the mountain where Stonehammer resides, and another of the billion or so pieces of tat picked up along the way helps persuade him to aid the Karazanian army. The fight is going badly until he intervenes, and then the Orcs counterattack and Keith only survives because of another artefact he picked up. Leading into a fight with an Orc that has a higher Skill than Keith could ever get in this book. At least the odds were potentially even for the nasty fight in Darkmoon's Curse.
And even if Keith hadn't lost Skill during the adventure, that combat would still have proved fatal for him. All those years I was failing to get around to attempting this book, I didn't miss anything worth doing.
Opponents fought
Goblin
Orc Warlord*
Oh, and the number of items acquired during the adventure which served no purpose whatsoever: 6. Including that book, so I guess someone bet Ian that he couldn't fit the phrase, 'The finger is not the moon' into a gamebook (and lost).
No items or attribute changes carry across from the first book, perhaps because Ian didn't think his target audience could handle such tricky concepts, maybe because it was just easier to start with a blank slate again.
So the real Goldhawk is still comatose, the plebs want their new King, Marris persuades book-me to abandon my old life and get crowned, and Orlando indulges in some slapstick hijinks because, y'know, for kids. Then it turns out that Darkmoon's downfall didn't cause his army of evil to evaporate, and my subjects are still getting thrashed on the battlefield thanks to the enemies' use of Skeletons and terror bubbles.
Marris is going to try and get the Silver Elves to burst the bubbles, while I must find his son, who can crush the Skeletons. You see, back when Marris junior was 16, he drank the contents of several bottles from his father's laboratory and got stoned. In the sense of turning into a human mountain. And now he lives on Sunstone Mountain, and can't survive away from there for more than a day because hey, it's magic (and for kids), so it doesn't have to make sense. And to learn the secrets of the mountain, I must speak with the Queen of Pain, who lives in the Dungeon of Despair (though I believe that since this book she has moved to London and now advertises her services in telephone boxes).
As I set off on my new quest, I tell Orlando and Edge not to call me 'King' or 'Sire' or 'Señor Biggles', but just 'Goldhawk'. Which is presumably supposed to be heartwarming friendshippy stuff, but as I'm not Goldhawk and nor is my character in the book, it just gets a bit creepy. It's as if, not satisfied with writing books that force the readers to do things exactly the way he wants them to, Ian now aims to get his readership to renounce their true identity and willingly assume the mantle of one of his creations. Maybe the mid-nineties collapse of FF was a good thing, preventing Ian from turning the fans into an army of brainwashed slaves to help him conquer the world.
Anyway, not-Goldhawk, Orlando and Edge encounter a two-headed man who couldn't be cool if you immersed him in liquid hydrogen. His heads are arguing about which one gets to do the eating today, and as provisions don't matter in this book, I attempt to bribe him with food. In return for a little meat and money, I get told which way to turn at the next junction, and whom to ask about where to go next. And I receive a violin string, which is made out to be worthless, but this is an Ian Livingstone book, so I'm anticipating having to form a string quartet to succeed. And from now on I shall refer to my character as 'Keith'.
Proceeding to the junction, Keith turns as directed, and reaches a village where fat people hold races. At least it's not another pie-eating contest. Strangely, he automatically seeks out the right person, even though it is possible to reach here without having got the clue from Two-Heads. Fat Jack reveals where the Dungeon is, and mentions that the resident Little People would kill you for a brass button. But apparently not taking any brass buttons won't help, so Keith needs to find the right kind of bribe. A couple of obvious choices (and some needless bickering between companions) later, Keith is back on the road, having acquired a book with a quasi-Borgesian title that's almost certain to prove an essential clue later on. And we all thought finding the combination for Razaak's inner sanctum carved on a rock was implausible...
Plod, plod, plod. Edge and Orlando squabble again, and Ian labels a 'joke' that wouldn't even make it into Deathmoor as 'biting wit'. A Horned Shrieker is not amused either, and attacks. Keith kills it with ease, doesn't get the option of taking the horn, but does loot the Shrieker's lair. Knowing Ian, at least one of the items there is essential, and there's probably something lethal in there too. And only trial and error will reveal what's what, so Keith takes the lot, and when he winds up decapitated or melted or turned into a blancmange at least I'll know what Keith II should leave behind if I ever attempt the book again.
That's enough for now.
Opponents fought
Horned Shrieker
***
And back to The Demon Spider. Finding a trail of flaming footprints, Keith decides to investigate. Wonder if he'll encounter a coughing dragon or a nervous lion. And the source turns out to be a Lava Beast, which has just disposed of a remarkably fireproof sack, and then decides to attack Keith. Dialogue has already indicated that Edge is not best suited to attacking this monster, so it's time to try and find out which item from the Shrieker's lair will convince the Beast to chill out. And, unexpectedly, the 'non-sword' option actually makes a modicum of sense, as Keith actually chucks the contents of his water bottle over Lava boy. And, rather implausibly, that mild splashing is enough to petrify the monster. Still not as random as realising from nowhere that Keith picked up a Ring of Ice/Medallion of Fossilisation/Spear of Shivering/Rope of Temperature Reduction. And the sack of scorch-proofing contains more clutter for the Adventure Sheet.
South now, or return to the trail and then go south? Is this another Deathtrap Dungeon pipe set-up? I'm going to guess that it is, and have Keith retrace his steps. Wise choice, as this leads to a fresh discovery (after an odd bit where Keith broods over mental images of the enemy army, the Queen of Pain (whom he's not seen to know what she looks like) and the villain from the previous book (who was defeated, and ought not to be weighing on Keith's mind any more)), and I can see that the 'ignore the interesting things and walk on' option leads to the same section as the 'go directly south' one did. So before moving on, Keith will investigate the leather bag and presumably fight whatever emerges from the cave. Or the half-buried Skeleton, when it animates.
Ah, the ever-popular 'venomous snake in a bag' trick. Must invest in a few of them for trick-or-treaters. So the useful thing here must be in the cave. And it's a kind of test. Violence, generosity or cowardice? Not a very tricky one, and Keith is rewarded with a choice of rings (or a chance to go for greed and probably hit an Instant Death). The gold ring would have been useful in Crypt of the Sorcerer, but based on the cover illustration (oh, and the title of this adventure), I suspect that the silver one with the web motif will be more useful.
Next, Keith encounters a dodgy-looking trader, and checks out the items on sale. The magic carpet looks like a good way to bypass some essential encounters, but the oddly specific combination of items being asked for in return for it suggests that it's important. Buying everything else will cost almost all the remaining cash, but I still don't know what's vital and what's window-dressing, so I'll take a chance on not needing to spend much more. And the incantation to activate the carpet is... well, at least it's not a thinly disguised number. But doing the a=1 thing on it would make some of the forum members cry.
Travelling by magic carpet saves Keith from having to face Giant Sand Worms (let's hope Leesha didn't flee to this book) and other beasts, and then in a thoroughly unexpected twist, a big flying monster attacks. To survive, Keith must reuse the carpet incantation, and the incorrect option provided is a rather rubbish joke with a connection to one of America's big sports. Unless Ian's read the Mad magazine parody of the film Ghost, in which case it's an obscurely smutty gag. Either way, it's a bit rubbish, and only the most inattentive or goldfish-memoried of readers would have even a chance of getting it wrong.
Not long afterwards, the carpet starts losing height, and has to land. No service stations in sight, and even if there were, delays would be inevitable ("Can't get the yarn. Blimey, who wove this? Right bunch of Thalians!"). Orlando is worried that the party might be heading in the wrong direction, and consequently seeks advice from a nearby ascetic whose body is painted with rainbow designs. And apparently in the world where Russ Nicholson lives, rainbows go green-blue-purple-red-orange-yellow. Rainbow Man refuses to help unless Keith solves a puzzle, which is a variant on the one set by Noy in Trial of Champions, with an added complication based on the number of days in two weeks. Karazanian weeks had better not be a different length from Earth or Titan weeks...
Nope, that works out correctly. Our heroes are teleported to a valley, and decide to investigate a ruined temple because Ian says so. The temple starts to collapse at them, but there's a crystal ball on the floor, which is almost certain to be an essential item, so Keith makes a grab for it and oh joy, Ian's just remembered how much he loves the dice death thing. A 50% chance of getting doomed, but I roll the right sort of number and Keith lives to grab shiny junk another day.
The temple has a cellar. Exploring it is sure to be hazardous. And the only way to avoid some kind of hideous death later on, so down Keith goes. Oh, not so dangerous, as it turns out. The cellar merely contains a locked-up musician, formerly a servant of the Queen of Pain, who was imprisoned when she tired of his playing. Can you guess what kind of instrument he plays, and urgently needs to repair? I'll give you a clue: not an accordion.
Further down the valley are some Little People, who inspire yet more quarrelling between pig and sword. Two of the items acquired during the adventure look like they could qualify as a suitable bribe for them, so Keith hands over the one that's less potentially useful elsewhere. There's nothing to indicate that they are dissatisfied, so the adventurers continue along the valley until a cottage comes into view. Pay it a visit, or guarantee failure by missing more vital crap?
Inside, a non-voluntary donation of gold (even though it is possible to have spent the lot by now) summons a Genie, and one of the boons for which Keith could ask is so stochastic that I feel the need to check the paths not taken prior to this, just to see if I missed a clue that the item named is needed. Let's see... boring Instant Death... different Instant Death... rehash of the Run of the Arrow from Deathtrap Dungeon, which works a lot like the eyeball-eating contest from RtFM... idiotic Instant Death (why bother tying alt-Keith up when his brain's already been fried?)... dreary Instant Death... sadistic Instant Death... tiresome Instant Death... No, unless that was the wrong answer to the puzzle (and Ian arbitrarily threw in a reference to the Rainbow Man just to make it look like the right section), the Wand of Control is The Adventures of Faux-Goldhawk's 'Wrench'. Well, Keith gets one anyway, and also finds a brass scorpion, which is the most 'pick this up and die'-looking item yet, but what the heck?
Later, our heroes encounter the Grim Reaper, and must answer two questions correctly to be allowed to pass. The first one is about a colour, so Ian's obviously seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail. And the second one is 'count the skulls Russ has included in the accompanying picture'. Why not ask something challenging, like "What is your name?"
Keith succeeds, and plods on to the dungeon, where he fights a Goblin, hears a cry for help, investigates and rescues a trapped miner who somehow didn't realise he was in the Dungeon of Despair. The miner offers advice that would almost be a clue about that wand if it were a) more specific and b) offered before the Genie encounter. Helping the miner activates the brass scorpion, which is a (not necessarily lethal) trap after all, but also leads to the acquisition of yet another McGuffin.
Next, our heroes encounter the mouse that Darkmoon was transformed into at the end of the previous adventure, and then get threatened by his ghost, even though he's blatantly not dead, and gloating about returning to normal, wreaking revenge, sequel blah. Keith rummages through his bags and eventually finds the item that will save him this time round, and the ghost of Darkmouse actually says, "Curses! Foiled again!" Come on, Ian, you can do better than this.
Keith and compadres fall into a web, and along comes the Queen of Pain, a human-faced Giant Spider (Nicholson has, with no obvious textual support, made her face green). She insults the tin pig by calling him 'pig face', and prepares to feast on Keith, but item x shrinks her to the size of a coconut, enabling Keith to use item y to force Queenie to spill the beans about Stonehammer. And then he spares her, because obviously an evil, intelligent spider-creature that's only as big as a coconut could never harm anybody, right?
Onward to the mountain where Stonehammer resides, and another of the billion or so pieces of tat picked up along the way helps persuade him to aid the Karazanian army. The fight is going badly until he intervenes, and then the Orcs counterattack and Keith only survives because of another artefact he picked up. Leading into a fight with an Orc that has a higher Skill than Keith could ever get in this book. At least the odds were potentially even for the nasty fight in Darkmoon's Curse.
And even if Keith hadn't lost Skill during the adventure, that combat would still have proved fatal for him. All those years I was failing to get around to attempting this book, I didn't miss anything worth doing.
Opponents fought
Goblin
Orc Warlord*
Oh, and the number of items acquired during the adventure which served no purpose whatsoever: 6. Including that book, so I guess someone bet Ian that he couldn't fit the phrase, 'The finger is not the moon' into a gamebook (and lost).