Snippet Feedback & Critique Wanted!

[dewfreak83]

Hello!

I'm fairly new to the forums, but was hoping I could get some feedback on my writing style and direction for a mobile gamebook I'm working on.

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There are several settings that can be selected by the player - which randomizes parts of the main story line to help with replay-ability. This setting is war-centric:

Six races settled the land of Argoria, and it seemed that was five too many. War has been raging on between each race for nearly twenty years. For some, they continue to fight out of pride while others fight for greed. As soon as the men came of age they were shipped off to the front lines, more often than not - never to return home.

So it was not uncommon to see nothing but women, children, and the elderly left fending for themselves in each of the townships. Unfortunately, it was not only the six races that bred trouble in Argoria, of which was met with little resistance in each of the feeble communities.

Goblins raided villages, bandits owned the roads, and creatures of the night roamed unchecked. After years of being pillaged and ravaged by the wilds, the elders from each of the six races agreed to form the Heroes Guard: an order sworn to protect all the townships within Argoria.

This is my story.

This is how I became part of the Heroes Guard, a glimpse of the wonders I saw... and the tragedies I bore witness to.

[champskees]

Dec 11, 2014 22:00:39 GMT dewfreak83 said:

Would this mean completely different choices are available dependent on the settings you selected? Or are you saying just the text in a common paragraph would change?

[dewfreak83]

Both actually.



Some text will change in certain situations - taking advantage of, or acknowledging, that you come from a war-torn childhood / life. But more importantly (for replay-ability) the primary plot is chosen based on the setting and other factors the player describes about their childhood.

There will be a pool of 9 story arcs to be randomly selected for the player based on their choices. There are about 12 short-stories planned that are generic "events" that won't change regardless of the setting, plot, or character-specific choices. 

Thanks for taking an interest! You can check out more about the game here: www.underbytestudios.com/heroes-guard/

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I'm a programmer by trade and a wanna-be artist and writer. I mostly just want to make sure my quality of writing isn't so poor it puts people off. So any feedback is welcome!

[thealmightymudworm]

Hi there, welcome to the forum.

Dec 12, 2014 11:00:52 GMT dewfreak83 said:

I mostly just want to make sure my quality of writing isn't so poor it puts people off.

You needn't worry, it’s quite engaging.

Possibly a bit more description could fit into the first paragraph - you’re leaving a lot of the scene-setting to the reader’s imagination. (No doubt you’re saving most of the detail for later but it’s good to get the reader involved from the start). Maybe something either about the races or the terrain or the general sight and sound of the battle added to colour the second sentence.

The sentence beginning ‘Unfortunately’ is a little awkward. Dropping the word ‘of’ would help.

Just my two pence to take or leave. It looks promising - good luck with it.

[dewfreak83]

I get you - "A little more show, than tell"?

I'm so glad I stand a chance at making this happen story-wise. It is easily the hardest part of the entire project! I look forward to more great feedback - and I can take brutally honest feedback!

[dewfreak83]

I'm trying to randomize a few aspects of the game - not everything is choice-driven. I'm hoping this is one aspect that helps to improve replayability of the game. In one such case, I'm randomizing the prologue of the book which is meant to inform the player they are writing in a journal, trying to recall their past. A few examples:

Mistakes
Was I wrong? Did I make the right choices that brought me here? I’m no longer certain. In this journal I’m attempting to recount all the decisions I made. The mistakes that haunt me. Perhaps I’ll find forgiveness with myself for those I failed. But I did some good didn’t I?

Last Will and Testament
Here-in is contained my final will and testament. But first, you will learn how I obtained my possessions. For that in itself is perhaps my greatest asset. I give you my journal, filled with adventure and wonder.

Parent to Son
This journal of tales is dedicated to my Son. When I no longer walk on this world, you can still hear my stories of adventure and adversity. To my greatest treasure of all with Love.