Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2014 6:13:23 GMT
Merry Christmas and a happy New Year! 
Your CHRISTMAS CHEER starts at 3 points. Try not to lose all of them or you will die of fright.
1
It all started when the butler threw a pot of boiling water at you as you stood outside in minus thirty-Celsius weather. You were singing Silent Night with a group of carollers. Who’d a though the House of Hell was so hard to please? Do you know what happens to boiling water in that type of temperature? It evaporates; it turns to a wondrous mist of ice in midair. No one was hurt thankfully and with a smile, you move in to another song:
We won’t go until we get some,
We won’t go until we get some,
And have a cup of good cheer!
Why are you singing at such a terrible reckless place? Well, somebody decorated it with green and red lights. You can also see a sparkling Christmas tree from the parlour window. Is the pine real or synthetic? Oh, the mansion looks so cozy, except for that corpse hanging off the dead willow at the start of the driveway. At least someone hung a wreath off it, it’s not that dreadful now is it?
You thought about getting even with that butler, how could he be so cruel? What’s the master like? The carolers decide to call it an early night and carpool home. You stay behind because you recognize the smell of shortcake. You head to the kitchen near the back of the house and peek in the window, someone is definitely baking up a batch of tasty biscuits. And someone has adorned the frosty windows with white snowflakes. How sweet and cute.
Will you break into the door, turn to 20.
Be polite and go knock on the front door, turn to 6.
2
As you go to touch the door handle a surge on electricity rushes up your arm! You’re stuck in one spot and trembling violently as you’re electrocuted.
Ooooohh whow ohhh ooooooh ahhhhh!!!!!! You cry out and are blasted into the table and chairs with such a bang that would wake the dead. Men dressed up as reindeer come racing into the kitchen, “What the!”
You’re a crispy critter, and the room smells of burnt flesh and hair.
3
Why on EARTH would you drink something from the House of Hell? Nothing good can come of it you know. It is laced with arsenic. You know what happens next…
4
Soon you hear footsteps approaching. A tall man still wearing his red housecoat comes in. He reminds you of the count from the movie Fearless Vampire Killers. “Greetings, what brings you here on this cold night?”
“Cookies, I want cookies.” You say and get up from the couch to shake his hand. His hand is chilly and calloused and his shake is firm, it almost crushes yours.
“Please, sit down.”
You do as instructed and he sits down in an upholstered armchair just next to you. “Bring our visitor whatever is being served in the kitchen tonight.” He orders frigidly to his butler.
The butler gives you a filthy look and leaves the room.
“I heard you singing outside, why do you think it would brighten up our spirits?”
“This is a time of perpetual hope, a time to give. You have to feel Christmas.”
The man stares at you without any emotion or expression. You wonder if he fell asleep with his eyes still open.
Then finally he blinks. “I see, I too have captured the Yuletide but my butler hates it.”
“Then why do you keep him around? Fire him!”
The lord laughs deeply, “What would Santa think of your impulsive remarks?”
“What would he not think of?”
“Don’t you concern yourself with my help. He is very good at making Valentine cards and handing out candy on Halloween. Oh, yes, Halloween is my favourite holiday.”
“Halloween is not a holiday.”
“It IS to me.”
“Why are you a Wiccan?”
The butler returns, “Dinner is served, do you wish to come through?”
The lord gets up, “Follow me, honoured guest.”
You are taken into the dining room, its red walls and cherry wood floor entices your appetite, you didn’t think you were hungry, but you were wrong. You’re famished, you’re thirsty and your getting a tad tired. On a silver platter sits a roasted turkey. You’re not quite fond of turkey, in fact, you hate turkey. Chicken is okay but not turkey. You’re informed that it’s stuffed with a duck.
Interesting.
So what will you eat? There are no biscuits in sight. This angers you. You can’t enjoy Christmas Eve without cookies!!!
“Never mind the cookies, dear guest, you can have them with milk later. Until then, enjoy what’s before you.” His lordship replies to response of the puzzled look on your face.
What will you eat and drink?
A plate of turkey, cranberries and a chalice of warm mulled wine, turn to 24.
Fruitcake and a mug of hot apple cider, turn to 11.
Tell them you’re not hungry, turn to 15.
5
“Ugh, don’t get me started.” He says. “They give me a headache.”
“But why?”
“Why do you ask so many stupid questions?”
“Are you calling me dumb?”
“Listen, let’s not argue. Enjoy your cigar. Tell me, what do you do for a living?”
You puff away, “I work in a law firm, but on the side I like to sing with carolers.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, it’s just part of my personality. So, what’s with this house? Are you a millionaire?”
“Yes.”
“I see.”
You both sit there quietly for five minutes drinking and huffing/puffing on your cancer sticks. Finally, you break the silence, “Can I have a tour of your house?”
“No.”
“How come?”
“Perhaps, you would like to see the kitchen?”
“Sure!”
You both get up and he takes you to the kitchen, someone has put a gingerbread house on the table.
“Please, excuse me for a moment; I must use the little men’s room.”
“Yeah, no worries.” You reply.
He leaves finally and you stare at that gingerbread house. It looks tasty with all that frosting, colourful jellybeans and chocolate wafers. There is also a tray of sugar cookies.
Will you eat a cookie, turn to 13.
Try the door, turn to 2.
See what’s baking in the oven, turn to 7.
Chip a piece off the house, turn to 27.
Do nothing and wait for your host to return, turn to 23.
6
After making you wait a few minutes, your sure your legs are about to fall off, that’s how numb they are. Somebody opens the door, it’s the butler, and he doesn’t look pleased to see you. “What do you want?”
“Merry Christmas, can I come in for some cookies?”
“Cookies?”
“I smelt them earlier.”
“I suppose.” He steps aside and invites you in. You are lead into the large parlour and seated by a fireplace. “Wait here,” he informs you and exits the room.
There is a coldness about that man that you will never understand. You watch the flickering tree and notice it’s not a fake one but quite real and someone has decorated it with lights, a string of golden beads and dismembered fingers. Strange.
Will you:
Get up and examine a portrait, turn to 29.
Drink some of the crème liqueur on a nearby table, turn to 18.
Remain seated and wait for your host, turn to 4.
Decide to leave, turn to 22.
7
Someone has fish fingers baking in the oven, you take one out and dip it in a bowl of custard that’s on the counter. Tasty. Little do you know that these fish sticks are so old, far past their due date, that you become wretchedly sick. The noise of you ferociously vomiting attracts three men dressed up as reindeers. They apprehend you and lock you up in the basement. You will be sacrificed to a demon in a portal. Your adventure ends here.
8
The room is lavish, and a beautiful lady is seated in an emperor sized bed. Her covers are fur and who knows what else. It’s expensive let’s not go into too much detail. Have you seen her before? Se hollers angrily at you to “Get out of here!”
You don’t have a brush for her lovely hair, do you? Is this even the correct book? You have stepped through some portal and have transported to a different time. It appears you’re in Craggen Rock! Willow Vale. What the frickin’ hell?!
Her exquisite eyes turn into a fiery volcano and a beam shoots out and burns a big hole in the wall next to you. Lose 1 CHRISTMAS CHEER. You depart the room rather quickly. Turn to 17.
9
It doesn’t matter how much the painting cost or how old it is, the fact is, it creeps you out and you don’t like things that creep you out. So, the only other solution is to get rid of it. It is smashed to bits in seconds. Do you feel better now?
Panting, you sit back down and watch the fire in the hearth, turn to 4.
10
You’re taken up to a comfy bedchamber. It’s been a long day and outside snow is coming down heavily, it looks so perfect and beautiful. You spy movement coming from behind the curtain and shove the drapes aside. A life-size zombie reveals itself and walks in your direction. Its guts are hanging out of its belly, it looks as if other zombies had tried to eat it. Either that or there are cannibals in the house. You hated the Resident Evil video game, it scared you, but this is the real thing! You must fight it before it kills you!
ZOMBIE STAMINA 8 SKILL 7
If you live through this ordeal, you may decide to go to sleep after all (turn to 19) or leave the room (turn to 17)?
11
The fruitcake tastes like shit and the apple cider doesn’t even taste like apple cider. In seconds, the world you know of starts to blacken and you pass out right there.
When you wake up you’re in a cell somewhere in the basement. You will miss Christmas, you will end up on the back of a milk carton as a missing person, and you will live out the remainder of your days as a play thing for the heartless souls of the House of Hell.
12
They seem reluctant to let you use their toilet, but after much begging they let you go. You head upstairs and the butler shows you the place. You open the door and see a man wearing a goat headpiece seated upon the throne. “Hey! Get the hell outta here! Can’t you see the room is occupied?”
Quickly you leave and stand in the hallway. You realise that you will have to find another washroom - but where? The butler has left you alone. What will you do? Your gut is telling you it wants roast beef or a T-bone steak (with gravy) and those petite potatoes you like so much smothered in dill and garlic butter. Your bladder on the other hand is ready to explode and you do a little dance. Will you enter a room called GRIM HOLIDAY (turn to 8) or go back downstairs (turn to 17)?
13
They taste good. You eat a couple of them, then start feeling ill. The frosting is laced with acid. Who would do this sort of thing? The cookies are in fact reserved for Santa. But since you’ve gone and eaten them all his life will be spared. God bless you. You are now dead.
14
He really does not want to converse with you anymore. In fact, he’s sick of your company. He orders the butler to get a few of his henchmen to take care of you. People dressed as reindeer come and get you. You are dragged to the basement and shackled to the wall and are force fed candy canes and pumpkin pie until you are dead.
15
They’re both outraged and offended. The butler pours a pot of boiling hot tea on you and smashes the fancy teapot over your head. The last thing you hear before passing out is a conversation in French and his lordship ordering that you be locked up. When you wake you’re in a small cage in a dark, dank, cold place. There is a small bow-wrapped gift by your side, you open it a find a small handgun with one bullet in it. Nice. So will you kill yourself now or wait to see what kind of torture lies in store for you? Nothing good can come of all this. It’s up to you what you do, but you will never be escaping from this house alive.
16
You want scary in the House of Hell? Are you a sociopath? Stupid perhaps? A fire blazes out of her eyes and sets your head aflame. You scamper all over the room frantically clawing at your face and tripping over furniture in desperation, you can smell your own flesh sizzling under the intense heat. You wonder if those burned at the stake felt this much agony? Guess you shouldn’t have looked at the painting to begin with. If you want to live you’re going to have to test your CHRISTMAS CHEER. How merry are you? How badly do you want to live to see Christmas Day?
Meh.
Who knows what becomes of your corpse. It is soon obvious that the host will not take lightly to arriving at the scene you’ve created. You’ve made a big mess all over the Persian rugs with your unintended death.
17
You walk down the long corridor and soon arrive at the large stairwell in the foyer. Trying not to draw attention to your prowling state, you take a step on the stairs and trip. You topple down the steps and land with a mighty thump on the hard floor below. Roll 2 dice. Make a note of the first amount rolled, roll again, and compare. Is the second result equal to or lower than the first? If so, turn to 31. If it was higher, you have broken your spine, you black out, never to waken again. Your adventure, whatever it was supposed to be, ends here.
18
Just one sip is not enough, you drink the entire bottle of Baileys and now you’re drunk. The butler returns with the master of the house who introduces himself as Drumer.
“I don’t give a rat’s ass who you are, give me some more booze!” you shout and throw the bottle across the room.
They decide to take you up to a spare bedchamber and throw you on the bed. They leave and lock the door behind them. The room is spinning like a disc, soon the lock rattles, and a hunchback comes in carrying a plate of colourfully frosted gingerbread cookies shaped like little men. He also has a glass of milk. You get off the bed and wrap your arm around his shoulders.
“Hello, mate!” you slur out. “You know, between you and me, I think I’m gonna be sick.”
He sighs and walks out of the room. Will you eat a gingerbread man (turn to 26) drink some milk (turn to 3) or go to sleep (turn to 21)?
If you don’t like any of these options you could always leave the room, turn to 28.
19
Sleeping in this house seems okay, you guess, not so bad. During the night something grabs your ankles and pulls you off the bed! It takes hours to fall back to sleep again but when you do it’s only for an hour or two and when you wake it’s Christmas day. Quickly you put your clothes back on and rush downstairs. There are presents under the tree, Santa has been here! Will you rip open the gifts (turn to 25) or wait til the household has woken up least (turn to 30)?
20
The door is locked. Figures. What made you think you could get into the house this way? Just as you’re pondering if you should smash open the lock with the crowbar you carry, you hear loud voices. Two men come into the kitchen dressed as reindeer.
“The master is fickle tonight. What the hell is his problem?”
“He’s on Santa’s naughty list.”
“No silver tuna tomorrow.”
They both laugh and leave the room after they’ve taken what they came in for. You examine the lock and find it is magically inscribed with some spell that you will never crack. Lose 1 CHRISTMAS CHEER point.
Being well-mannered you go and kick the front door until someone comes to answer it, turn to 6.
21
You pass out and when you wake you have the worstest hangover you’ve ever faced in your entire life. It’s as if you drank a whole bottle of absinthe to yourself! It’s Christmas day!!!!!!! Whooh hooh! Quickly you put your pants on and rush downstairs. There are presents under the tree, Santa has been here! Will you rip open the gifts (turn to 25) or wait til the household has woken up least (turn to 30)?
22
You’re not going to bloody wait around forever, so you go to open the front door, and standing there is a seven-foot man dressed in a reindeer costume. Lights sparkle off his antlers and he has a big round red nose. You shudder violently and cover your mouth with your hand in complete and utter disgust and horror. It’s something that you’ve never seen in your life and you have to breathe hard just to keep your heart from stopping. He points a wicked hoof at you.
You holler and slam the door! “DECK MY HALLS!” you’re acting a little over zealous with your severe reaction, it’s just a man dressed up as a reindeer.
You race upstairs then change your mind. WHY are you going upstairs? That’s not the way out. The railing is decorated in that long, shiny holiday stuff that you don’t know the name of. Tinsel? Instead, you head for the kitchen. Once there you spy bars on the windows and cookies on the table.
Will you eat a cookie, turn to 13.
Try the door, turn to 2.
See what’s baking in the oven, turn to 7.
23
When he returns he doesn’t look pleased to see you. What changed? You wonder.
“You must be tired.” He says.
You’re NOT tired, in fact you think you’ve spent enough time in this house and feel it’s time to leave and go home. “I think I’ll be on my way.”
“Be my guest.” He says and lifts his hand up to gesture that you leave out the kitchen door. Now you feel uneasy, but what put the idea there? Will you leave out the kitchen door (turn to 2) decide to spend the night in the manor after all (turn to 10) or talk to Drumer some more (turn to 14)?
24
You eat everything. Lovely. Well, that was a good meal and it didn’t kill you. You and his lordship go into the parlour to smoke a cigar and drink some brandy. Will you ask him why he doesn’t like carollers (turn to 5), tell him you’re getting tired (turn to 10), ask to be excused and if you can use the restroom (turn to 12)?
25
Seriously, this is probably the most rudest thing you can do, it’s not even your house! Someone got a toy car, a bar of gold, a box of chocolates and a strange voodoo doll with a glass face. The Christmas tree shudders and sprouts arms and legs and it attacks you! You try to fight it off but it strangles you with its wires then electrocutes you. The both of you go up in flames. Your life comes to an end.
26
They put salt in place of sugar, how revolting! What kind of sadistic joke IS this??? Lose 1 CHRISTMAS CHEER point. You decide to leave this room. Turn to 28.
27
You snack on it. Mmmm, so yummy to the tummy! But this was a bad idea for soon you start to feel groggy. You fight to stay awake by filling a glass full of cold water and splashing it on your face, slapping yourself and doing a bit of a dance. None of it works so you regurgitate but that’s all in vain. Who does these things to food? What’s the motive behind being so cruel like this? You eventually lose consciousness and when you wake you’re strapped to a torture device in some dark, nasty room. You will live out the remainder of your days being stretched and prodded. The last thing you ever hear is the countdown to the New Year.
28
The house is eerily silent, not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse. Except maybe a zombie? You spy a walking abomination coming down the hall and you thought zombies were fictional? This story is not fictional, it’s all very real. If it were fake you would be somewhere else. This is spare underpants time. You push past the zombie and wobble down the hall. You come to the landing and tumble down the stairs. You make such a clamour that men dressed as reindeers arrive and apprehend you. You’re too drunk to care what they do to you. Do you want to know what they do to you?
They hang you upside down from a tree in the back yard and beat you with red-hot pokers. Merry Christmas, you are now deceased.
29
It is a painting dating back to 1693. It is an old woman wearing a green dress and tall headpiece. Her black eyes are freaky and the wrinkles in her pallid skin stand out perfectly. The artist must have been REALLY talented.
She grins.
You blink your eyes repeatedly. NO. You didn’t just see that. A painting doesn’t move! Or does it? Then a fire burns in her eyes and you can see the depths of Hell in them. Do you remove the portrait off the wall and smash it against a chair (turn to 9) or keep staring, maybe the show will improve. The depths of Hell? Come on, give us a scarier image! (turn to 16).
30
His lordship comes into the room with his butler. He hands you a present that you open greedily. It is a set of keys, which he informs you belongs to his corvette. SWEET! It’s a good Christmas and you’re glad you have stayed and survived the night. You leave the house and drive home in your new car.
This is a Christmas you will never forget. Congrats!
The end.
31
Luckily, you don’t break or sprain anything, and the first thing you do is try the front door. Turn to 22.
Your CHRISTMAS CHEER starts at 3 points. Try not to lose all of them or you will die of fright.
1
It all started when the butler threw a pot of boiling water at you as you stood outside in minus thirty-Celsius weather. You were singing Silent Night with a group of carollers. Who’d a though the House of Hell was so hard to please? Do you know what happens to boiling water in that type of temperature? It evaporates; it turns to a wondrous mist of ice in midair. No one was hurt thankfully and with a smile, you move in to another song:
We won’t go until we get some,
We won’t go until we get some,
And have a cup of good cheer!
Why are you singing at such a terrible reckless place? Well, somebody decorated it with green and red lights. You can also see a sparkling Christmas tree from the parlour window. Is the pine real or synthetic? Oh, the mansion looks so cozy, except for that corpse hanging off the dead willow at the start of the driveway. At least someone hung a wreath off it, it’s not that dreadful now is it?
You thought about getting even with that butler, how could he be so cruel? What’s the master like? The carolers decide to call it an early night and carpool home. You stay behind because you recognize the smell of shortcake. You head to the kitchen near the back of the house and peek in the window, someone is definitely baking up a batch of tasty biscuits. And someone has adorned the frosty windows with white snowflakes. How sweet and cute.
Will you break into the door, turn to 20.
Be polite and go knock on the front door, turn to 6.
2
As you go to touch the door handle a surge on electricity rushes up your arm! You’re stuck in one spot and trembling violently as you’re electrocuted.
Ooooohh whow ohhh ooooooh ahhhhh!!!!!! You cry out and are blasted into the table and chairs with such a bang that would wake the dead. Men dressed up as reindeer come racing into the kitchen, “What the!”
You’re a crispy critter, and the room smells of burnt flesh and hair.
3
Why on EARTH would you drink something from the House of Hell? Nothing good can come of it you know. It is laced with arsenic. You know what happens next…
4
Soon you hear footsteps approaching. A tall man still wearing his red housecoat comes in. He reminds you of the count from the movie Fearless Vampire Killers. “Greetings, what brings you here on this cold night?”
“Cookies, I want cookies.” You say and get up from the couch to shake his hand. His hand is chilly and calloused and his shake is firm, it almost crushes yours.
“Please, sit down.”
You do as instructed and he sits down in an upholstered armchair just next to you. “Bring our visitor whatever is being served in the kitchen tonight.” He orders frigidly to his butler.
The butler gives you a filthy look and leaves the room.
“I heard you singing outside, why do you think it would brighten up our spirits?”
“This is a time of perpetual hope, a time to give. You have to feel Christmas.”
The man stares at you without any emotion or expression. You wonder if he fell asleep with his eyes still open.
Then finally he blinks. “I see, I too have captured the Yuletide but my butler hates it.”
“Then why do you keep him around? Fire him!”
The lord laughs deeply, “What would Santa think of your impulsive remarks?”
“What would he not think of?”
“Don’t you concern yourself with my help. He is very good at making Valentine cards and handing out candy on Halloween. Oh, yes, Halloween is my favourite holiday.”
“Halloween is not a holiday.”
“It IS to me.”
“Why are you a Wiccan?”
The butler returns, “Dinner is served, do you wish to come through?”
The lord gets up, “Follow me, honoured guest.”
You are taken into the dining room, its red walls and cherry wood floor entices your appetite, you didn’t think you were hungry, but you were wrong. You’re famished, you’re thirsty and your getting a tad tired. On a silver platter sits a roasted turkey. You’re not quite fond of turkey, in fact, you hate turkey. Chicken is okay but not turkey. You’re informed that it’s stuffed with a duck.
Interesting.
So what will you eat? There are no biscuits in sight. This angers you. You can’t enjoy Christmas Eve without cookies!!!
“Never mind the cookies, dear guest, you can have them with milk later. Until then, enjoy what’s before you.” His lordship replies to response of the puzzled look on your face.
What will you eat and drink?
A plate of turkey, cranberries and a chalice of warm mulled wine, turn to 24.
Fruitcake and a mug of hot apple cider, turn to 11.
Tell them you’re not hungry, turn to 15.
5
“Ugh, don’t get me started.” He says. “They give me a headache.”
“But why?”
“Why do you ask so many stupid questions?”
“Are you calling me dumb?”
“Listen, let’s not argue. Enjoy your cigar. Tell me, what do you do for a living?”
You puff away, “I work in a law firm, but on the side I like to sing with carolers.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know, it’s just part of my personality. So, what’s with this house? Are you a millionaire?”
“Yes.”
“I see.”
You both sit there quietly for five minutes drinking and huffing/puffing on your cancer sticks. Finally, you break the silence, “Can I have a tour of your house?”
“No.”
“How come?”
“Perhaps, you would like to see the kitchen?”
“Sure!”
You both get up and he takes you to the kitchen, someone has put a gingerbread house on the table.
“Please, excuse me for a moment; I must use the little men’s room.”
“Yeah, no worries.” You reply.
He leaves finally and you stare at that gingerbread house. It looks tasty with all that frosting, colourful jellybeans and chocolate wafers. There is also a tray of sugar cookies.
Will you eat a cookie, turn to 13.
Try the door, turn to 2.
See what’s baking in the oven, turn to 7.
Chip a piece off the house, turn to 27.
Do nothing and wait for your host to return, turn to 23.
6
After making you wait a few minutes, your sure your legs are about to fall off, that’s how numb they are. Somebody opens the door, it’s the butler, and he doesn’t look pleased to see you. “What do you want?”
“Merry Christmas, can I come in for some cookies?”
“Cookies?”
“I smelt them earlier.”
“I suppose.” He steps aside and invites you in. You are lead into the large parlour and seated by a fireplace. “Wait here,” he informs you and exits the room.
There is a coldness about that man that you will never understand. You watch the flickering tree and notice it’s not a fake one but quite real and someone has decorated it with lights, a string of golden beads and dismembered fingers. Strange.
Will you:
Get up and examine a portrait, turn to 29.
Drink some of the crème liqueur on a nearby table, turn to 18.
Remain seated and wait for your host, turn to 4.
Decide to leave, turn to 22.
7
Someone has fish fingers baking in the oven, you take one out and dip it in a bowl of custard that’s on the counter. Tasty. Little do you know that these fish sticks are so old, far past their due date, that you become wretchedly sick. The noise of you ferociously vomiting attracts three men dressed up as reindeers. They apprehend you and lock you up in the basement. You will be sacrificed to a demon in a portal. Your adventure ends here.
8
The room is lavish, and a beautiful lady is seated in an emperor sized bed. Her covers are fur and who knows what else. It’s expensive let’s not go into too much detail. Have you seen her before? Se hollers angrily at you to “Get out of here!”
You don’t have a brush for her lovely hair, do you? Is this even the correct book? You have stepped through some portal and have transported to a different time. It appears you’re in Craggen Rock! Willow Vale. What the frickin’ hell?!
Her exquisite eyes turn into a fiery volcano and a beam shoots out and burns a big hole in the wall next to you. Lose 1 CHRISTMAS CHEER. You depart the room rather quickly. Turn to 17.
9
It doesn’t matter how much the painting cost or how old it is, the fact is, it creeps you out and you don’t like things that creep you out. So, the only other solution is to get rid of it. It is smashed to bits in seconds. Do you feel better now?
Panting, you sit back down and watch the fire in the hearth, turn to 4.
10
You’re taken up to a comfy bedchamber. It’s been a long day and outside snow is coming down heavily, it looks so perfect and beautiful. You spy movement coming from behind the curtain and shove the drapes aside. A life-size zombie reveals itself and walks in your direction. Its guts are hanging out of its belly, it looks as if other zombies had tried to eat it. Either that or there are cannibals in the house. You hated the Resident Evil video game, it scared you, but this is the real thing! You must fight it before it kills you!
ZOMBIE STAMINA 8 SKILL 7
If you live through this ordeal, you may decide to go to sleep after all (turn to 19) or leave the room (turn to 17)?
11
The fruitcake tastes like shit and the apple cider doesn’t even taste like apple cider. In seconds, the world you know of starts to blacken and you pass out right there.
When you wake up you’re in a cell somewhere in the basement. You will miss Christmas, you will end up on the back of a milk carton as a missing person, and you will live out the remainder of your days as a play thing for the heartless souls of the House of Hell.
12
They seem reluctant to let you use their toilet, but after much begging they let you go. You head upstairs and the butler shows you the place. You open the door and see a man wearing a goat headpiece seated upon the throne. “Hey! Get the hell outta here! Can’t you see the room is occupied?”
Quickly you leave and stand in the hallway. You realise that you will have to find another washroom - but where? The butler has left you alone. What will you do? Your gut is telling you it wants roast beef or a T-bone steak (with gravy) and those petite potatoes you like so much smothered in dill and garlic butter. Your bladder on the other hand is ready to explode and you do a little dance. Will you enter a room called GRIM HOLIDAY (turn to 8) or go back downstairs (turn to 17)?
13
They taste good. You eat a couple of them, then start feeling ill. The frosting is laced with acid. Who would do this sort of thing? The cookies are in fact reserved for Santa. But since you’ve gone and eaten them all his life will be spared. God bless you. You are now dead.
14
He really does not want to converse with you anymore. In fact, he’s sick of your company. He orders the butler to get a few of his henchmen to take care of you. People dressed as reindeer come and get you. You are dragged to the basement and shackled to the wall and are force fed candy canes and pumpkin pie until you are dead.
15
They’re both outraged and offended. The butler pours a pot of boiling hot tea on you and smashes the fancy teapot over your head. The last thing you hear before passing out is a conversation in French and his lordship ordering that you be locked up. When you wake you’re in a small cage in a dark, dank, cold place. There is a small bow-wrapped gift by your side, you open it a find a small handgun with one bullet in it. Nice. So will you kill yourself now or wait to see what kind of torture lies in store for you? Nothing good can come of all this. It’s up to you what you do, but you will never be escaping from this house alive.
16
You want scary in the House of Hell? Are you a sociopath? Stupid perhaps? A fire blazes out of her eyes and sets your head aflame. You scamper all over the room frantically clawing at your face and tripping over furniture in desperation, you can smell your own flesh sizzling under the intense heat. You wonder if those burned at the stake felt this much agony? Guess you shouldn’t have looked at the painting to begin with. If you want to live you’re going to have to test your CHRISTMAS CHEER. How merry are you? How badly do you want to live to see Christmas Day?
Meh.
Who knows what becomes of your corpse. It is soon obvious that the host will not take lightly to arriving at the scene you’ve created. You’ve made a big mess all over the Persian rugs with your unintended death.
17
You walk down the long corridor and soon arrive at the large stairwell in the foyer. Trying not to draw attention to your prowling state, you take a step on the stairs and trip. You topple down the steps and land with a mighty thump on the hard floor below. Roll 2 dice. Make a note of the first amount rolled, roll again, and compare. Is the second result equal to or lower than the first? If so, turn to 31. If it was higher, you have broken your spine, you black out, never to waken again. Your adventure, whatever it was supposed to be, ends here.
18
Just one sip is not enough, you drink the entire bottle of Baileys and now you’re drunk. The butler returns with the master of the house who introduces himself as Drumer.
“I don’t give a rat’s ass who you are, give me some more booze!” you shout and throw the bottle across the room.
They decide to take you up to a spare bedchamber and throw you on the bed. They leave and lock the door behind them. The room is spinning like a disc, soon the lock rattles, and a hunchback comes in carrying a plate of colourfully frosted gingerbread cookies shaped like little men. He also has a glass of milk. You get off the bed and wrap your arm around his shoulders.
“Hello, mate!” you slur out. “You know, between you and me, I think I’m gonna be sick.”
He sighs and walks out of the room. Will you eat a gingerbread man (turn to 26) drink some milk (turn to 3) or go to sleep (turn to 21)?
If you don’t like any of these options you could always leave the room, turn to 28.
19
Sleeping in this house seems okay, you guess, not so bad. During the night something grabs your ankles and pulls you off the bed! It takes hours to fall back to sleep again but when you do it’s only for an hour or two and when you wake it’s Christmas day. Quickly you put your clothes back on and rush downstairs. There are presents under the tree, Santa has been here! Will you rip open the gifts (turn to 25) or wait til the household has woken up least (turn to 30)?
20
The door is locked. Figures. What made you think you could get into the house this way? Just as you’re pondering if you should smash open the lock with the crowbar you carry, you hear loud voices. Two men come into the kitchen dressed as reindeer.
“The master is fickle tonight. What the hell is his problem?”
“He’s on Santa’s naughty list.”
“No silver tuna tomorrow.”
They both laugh and leave the room after they’ve taken what they came in for. You examine the lock and find it is magically inscribed with some spell that you will never crack. Lose 1 CHRISTMAS CHEER point.
Being well-mannered you go and kick the front door until someone comes to answer it, turn to 6.
21
You pass out and when you wake you have the worstest hangover you’ve ever faced in your entire life. It’s as if you drank a whole bottle of absinthe to yourself! It’s Christmas day!!!!!!! Whooh hooh! Quickly you put your pants on and rush downstairs. There are presents under the tree, Santa has been here! Will you rip open the gifts (turn to 25) or wait til the household has woken up least (turn to 30)?
22
You’re not going to bloody wait around forever, so you go to open the front door, and standing there is a seven-foot man dressed in a reindeer costume. Lights sparkle off his antlers and he has a big round red nose. You shudder violently and cover your mouth with your hand in complete and utter disgust and horror. It’s something that you’ve never seen in your life and you have to breathe hard just to keep your heart from stopping. He points a wicked hoof at you.
You holler and slam the door! “DECK MY HALLS!” you’re acting a little over zealous with your severe reaction, it’s just a man dressed up as a reindeer.
You race upstairs then change your mind. WHY are you going upstairs? That’s not the way out. The railing is decorated in that long, shiny holiday stuff that you don’t know the name of. Tinsel? Instead, you head for the kitchen. Once there you spy bars on the windows and cookies on the table.
Will you eat a cookie, turn to 13.
Try the door, turn to 2.
See what’s baking in the oven, turn to 7.
23
When he returns he doesn’t look pleased to see you. What changed? You wonder.
“You must be tired.” He says.
You’re NOT tired, in fact you think you’ve spent enough time in this house and feel it’s time to leave and go home. “I think I’ll be on my way.”
“Be my guest.” He says and lifts his hand up to gesture that you leave out the kitchen door. Now you feel uneasy, but what put the idea there? Will you leave out the kitchen door (turn to 2) decide to spend the night in the manor after all (turn to 10) or talk to Drumer some more (turn to 14)?
24
You eat everything. Lovely. Well, that was a good meal and it didn’t kill you. You and his lordship go into the parlour to smoke a cigar and drink some brandy. Will you ask him why he doesn’t like carollers (turn to 5), tell him you’re getting tired (turn to 10), ask to be excused and if you can use the restroom (turn to 12)?
25
Seriously, this is probably the most rudest thing you can do, it’s not even your house! Someone got a toy car, a bar of gold, a box of chocolates and a strange voodoo doll with a glass face. The Christmas tree shudders and sprouts arms and legs and it attacks you! You try to fight it off but it strangles you with its wires then electrocutes you. The both of you go up in flames. Your life comes to an end.
26
They put salt in place of sugar, how revolting! What kind of sadistic joke IS this??? Lose 1 CHRISTMAS CHEER point. You decide to leave this room. Turn to 28.
27
You snack on it. Mmmm, so yummy to the tummy! But this was a bad idea for soon you start to feel groggy. You fight to stay awake by filling a glass full of cold water and splashing it on your face, slapping yourself and doing a bit of a dance. None of it works so you regurgitate but that’s all in vain. Who does these things to food? What’s the motive behind being so cruel like this? You eventually lose consciousness and when you wake you’re strapped to a torture device in some dark, nasty room. You will live out the remainder of your days being stretched and prodded. The last thing you ever hear is the countdown to the New Year.
28
The house is eerily silent, not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse. Except maybe a zombie? You spy a walking abomination coming down the hall and you thought zombies were fictional? This story is not fictional, it’s all very real. If it were fake you would be somewhere else. This is spare underpants time. You push past the zombie and wobble down the hall. You come to the landing and tumble down the stairs. You make such a clamour that men dressed as reindeers arrive and apprehend you. You’re too drunk to care what they do to you. Do you want to know what they do to you?
They hang you upside down from a tree in the back yard and beat you with red-hot pokers. Merry Christmas, you are now deceased.
29
It is a painting dating back to 1693. It is an old woman wearing a green dress and tall headpiece. Her black eyes are freaky and the wrinkles in her pallid skin stand out perfectly. The artist must have been REALLY talented.
She grins.
You blink your eyes repeatedly. NO. You didn’t just see that. A painting doesn’t move! Or does it? Then a fire burns in her eyes and you can see the depths of Hell in them. Do you remove the portrait off the wall and smash it against a chair (turn to 9) or keep staring, maybe the show will improve. The depths of Hell? Come on, give us a scarier image! (turn to 16).
30
His lordship comes into the room with his butler. He hands you a present that you open greedily. It is a set of keys, which he informs you belongs to his corvette. SWEET! It’s a good Christmas and you’re glad you have stayed and survived the night. You leave the house and drive home in your new car.
This is a Christmas you will never forget. Congrats!
The end.
31
Luckily, you don’t break or sprain anything, and the first thing you do is try the front door. Turn to 22.
